you are a bit all over the place.That means you are not behaving with consistency which is key to her trusting your changes. Not you talking about them but by being the changes.
**My emotions still have an affect on me and it affects my actions. not good. I feel I have lost a golden opportunity to change and allow my W to see those changes. She is going to move out and therfore will not be able to see them. I know there are other ways, but not as good as day to day interactions. Maybe it will help. Maybe space will help her heal. I know I control myself only but if I change and she doesnt see it because she isn't here, how will she come back? My hope is fading. I need to be the best I can be regardless.
You'll say you feel empapthy for her one minute and you're angry the next.
**I empathize with her pain. I also feel she is making a poor decision and that decision is going to cause immense pain, financial hardship and problems for all of us. That does make me angry and frustrated.
You also forgot how you got here. Of course your w doesn't trust the changes b/c you only made them after she said she wanted a divorce.
she was lonely for a long time inside this marriage. Her needs went unmet for a long time and now you want to put all this on her and how wrong she is...
**I have tried to articulate to her that I know my inability to express my love for her had driven her to where she is. Again, I don't feel her decision to D and not even consider alternatives are good for anyone including her. I do need to reduce her guilt. I guess I don't know how to do that on this issue. it is her decision.
Most of your changes are vague character claims like "being more patient" but in truth when it gets tough (here) you lack that trait.
**Absolutely. I need to walk the walk more. Talk is cheap.
Whereas Volunteering at the hospital is a good specific GAL.
Since I'm a L I have to say I'd suggest your w see one to get clarity and you are not the neutral party she needs info from. Nor do I think she's "dependent" on her L but you also said you hoped she was talking to someone. Well which is it, you want her to talk to someone or you want to control who that is?
**Just want to make sure she was confiding in someone to help her cope. Preferably someone not charging $300/hr.
The L won't be your worst enemy b/c she'll tell your w what to expect financially and if it's as grim a picture as you paint I'm sure she is torn.
But that is not necessarily guilt.
Back off, be kind.
**I will try. We did make the commitment to not speak of the D in the house anymore. Trying to keep it away from the kids as much as possible. I think this will help alleviate the tension. We were getting along pretty well before the details of the d started creeping into conversations more frequently.
Work on your real issues which are the piece of this puzzle you own.
Stop all this obessing about her under the guise of concern.
Even if it's real it isn't in your control.
**Very true.
and it reeks of control...again, back off big time. Be there for your sons. Do YOUR work and only yours.
Let some good memories resurface in her and create some for your boys. Don't argue with her anymore...it's just forcing her to defend those choices over and over and you are cornering her.
Plus you didn't answer my earlier question which is telling.
