Wife is having MLC & I am not sure what to do...

[Willing1]

I see that this isn't uncommon but obviously, it is to me and is the most challenging crisis I have ever experienced. My wife of 17 years and the mother of our teenage son, who I love and adore, said she wasn't happy and asked if I was. She thought I would be relieved to hear her share this news and that maybe we would figure out a way to make a change without hurting our son (separation, I guess). I was not relieved. I cried, sobbed, & cried some more. I was (and still am) devastaded. I never saw this coming. I always thought our marriage was for life and that we could work through anything that life ever threw at us. I am not sure how much her turning 51 has to do with it or the job she hates or the fact that our son is a senior in high school and we will be empty nesters soon. I do know that I failed to meet her emotional needs and that she clearly needed more physical touch than I provided. Her sexuality is really high now and mine dropped a few years back. I do take prescription testosterone and that helps but her level of desire seems to be effecting every aspect of her life. She started talking to an old school friend and likes the attention he gives her. I know she sees that this isn't right and is not good for our marriage but likes the attention he is providing. I don't believe anything is going on than the talking / texting but it hurts. I realize I have work to do on myself and I started seeing a therapist last week. My wife has seen a therapist twice in the last 3 weeks and I have asked if she would agree to us both talking to someone as a couple in addition to the individual sessions. She is agreeable but reluctant and has made no real comittment to any day or time she would go. It has only been 18 days since the 'bomb' and I am trying to be patient. Any tips on how I can leave her to work through her part without pushing her further away would be helpful. Some days are better than others....we are having more 'intimate' time than ever and I have started massaging her neck and back at night so that she can relax and fall asleep which seems to help both of us. We are good, kind, stable people that really loved each other and have built a good life together, or so i thought. How could this have happened? Oh great, more tears. I thought I was all cried out....apparently not. Thank you all for writing down how you felt and what you did to deal with your situations. This forum is the 1st place on the web that has given me any hope at all. Bless you all. Mike

[dbmod]

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[LITB]

Mike,

I am sorry you find yourself here, however this is the best place to be given the circumstances. The first thing usually recommended to all newcomers is to read the Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. There is helpful information all over this website.

I am going to post the 37 do's and donts that has been shared by sandi2....one of the many great members of this community.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[Willing1]

Holy cow. I had better start with a small steps because that list you provided looks rather impossible. I can see the wisdom in those items you listed and clearly they were born from experience (with lots of pain, I am sure). More importantly, I can see where I would not want my spouse pushing, prodding, begging, or manipulating me into saying something I didn't feel just to make her feel better at a time I was hanging on by a thread. This must be the case for her....no sense asking for items she doesn't have and therefore can not give me. I can see she is giving all that she can. So, I will be the best I can be today because if helps me and is the right thing to do. I will be a true friend to her....so much so, that I need to let her make her own way. God this is going to be long hard road isn't it? Mike

[LITB]

Yes, this is challenging and it takes time and patience. I'm gonna bump your thread as everyone is on full moderation when you first begin posting. The more you post, the quicker you will he removed from moderation.

Please get The Divorce Remedy to read. It will be good to keep you occupied over the long weekend. Weekends can be slow as people are GAL (getting a life). Do you have any plans? What are you doing to take care of yourself? Has your W pointed out any of your shortcomings and how you contributed to the demise of your M? What are your 180s to address any of her complaints?

The first chapter of the DR(Divorce Remedy) is on this website. I'd link it for you, but I am posting from my phone.

Have yourself a good weekend Mike and take care of yourself. That is one of the ways to draw your W back to you.

[NTX_Dad]

Sorry you had to visit here Mike. It's a long, tough process. I have learned on here and in the book that its most important to focus on yourself. Take care of yourself and do things that make you happy. The list above is good stuff.

[Willing1]

Thank you both for the comments / suggestions. I do have a copy of the book heading my way (hopefully it will be here today) and I did read the 1st chapter. I have been to local recreation center to see what classes i might take that would get me into some immediate action while i plan out a little more 'long term' approach to 'doing for self'. It does seem like I am able to take actions for the right reasons now that will help me to grow and not try to make that some kind of "I'll show her what she is missing" type of thing. I back slide easily but at least I am aware of it now. I do have a great support group available and have been making much better use of that. This isn't a group of people that need to know (or ask) what the specifics are or take sides. This a 12 step deal that I have been a part of for a long time. For today: be kind to self, dress nicely, read a book, take a class, relax, go for a walk (the dog appreciates that) and try to avoid wallowing in the sad stuff. I believe those may be lofty goals but at least I have a plan. Enjoy the long weekend everyone! Mike

___________
Me: 49
W: 51
Together 24 (M 17)
SSon 31
SDaughter 28
S 17
Bomb Dropped 8/12/2011
The rest remains to be seen.....still hopeful

[Willing1]

I have to admit that up until last night, I have been thinking we were different. I guess I thought my wife would snap out of this in short order and we could return to sanity. I don't suppose the details matter but I am no different than any other member here. My wife is no different than any other wife going through this mess. Right now, I would rather stay in denial but that, obviously, is not the answer. I have to say the thought of crawling through another day of this emotional nightmare makes me terribly sad. The thought that there will be many, many, more days like this, I find overwhelming. I can't tell if I am depressed or angry half the time. I care for my wife but wonder if this might be best for all of us if one of us went to live somewhere else. Our son is 17 and I am sure this will be tough on him but kids are smart. He must know what's going on (at least a little bit) already.

I am beginning to really hate the nights. It's about 3:30 am and I can't wait until the sun is up so I can get out of the house. This really stinks....I read a hand full of your posts (NTXSadDad and LITB) and I don't know how either one of you survived it. I felt terrible for both of you and I only read a small amount about you stories and your pain.

___________
Me: 49
W: 51
Together 24 (M 17)
SSon 31
SDaughter 28
S 17
Bomb Dropped 8/12/2011
The rest remains to be seen.....less hopeful than the prior day

[arkham21]

I know how it is to think your situation is different from everyone else's. I feel now that I'd been blind/arrogant to believe that we were different - better - than everyone else.

I found that accepting the reality was the first really, really, really difficult thing for me to do. It hurt like hell for several days, and I found myself crying in the bathroom at work or in public where no one would bother me (I was trying to get it all out before I went home, so that I wouldn't be begging, crying, and generally breaking down in from of my H). It's overwhelming, but you can get through it to the point where you reach a level of acceptance, and then you can begin to take care of yourself and push on with DBing.

I forced myself to deal with my situation, and for a time, I tried to "fake it 'till I'd make it" with my DBing. Even if I didn't feel any of the peace or calm that I longed so desperately for, I forced myself to smile, watched what I said around H (making sure I was pleasant, supportive, and not bringing up the subject of my feelings or our R), and tried to concentrate on fun. He was suspicious at first, but eventually relaxed. I thought ahead about how I would respond if he brought up R (which was essentially to tell him that R was not the priority now, but him taking care of himself and me taking care of myself, and that I would be supportive no matter what), and practiced it so that I wouldn't crack emotionally in front of him. Of course, I messed up a little the first few times (breaking into tears), but I refuse to beat myself up over it. The little victories (ie knowing I was able to keep control) do help my spirit a lot.

Eventually, I found I could concentrate better on DBing and GALing. I mean, I'm far from alright, and there is a very deep hurt and longing inside of me, but I'm certainly better now than I was in the first week. I am still filled with so much doubts and fears, and I know it will take much longer to deal with that, but I think I'm able to manage my thoughts and emotions better than before. That means the world for people in our situation.

I hope you can soon get yourself to the point where you can focus on taking care of yourself, and GALing. It takes a lot to push aside thoughts of your relationship to give way to taking care of yourself, but it's something you can control and do consciously.

Hang in there, Mike.

[Telemark]

Hello Mike,

I am sorry to see you here, but this is a great resource to help you deal with your situation. Like you, my W also started an online relationship with an old high school "friend". Be very careful and aware of that relationship, but do not snoop - don't check her cell phone for TMs, don't check her e-mail, don't try to pry into her Facebook account (if she has one). I say this to you because I did all of those things for the 5 months my W stayed in our house while we were "separated" (separate bedrooms, avoiding each other...very uncomfortable) and it accelerated her exit out of the house.

The painful fact is, there is nothing you can do to change her mind, her attitude or her actions. All you can do is control your own attitude and actions. Do not bring up your marriage or reconciliation; she is not interested in thinking about that. She is the center of her own world right now, and your place in her life has been demoted. There is no logical reason or explanation for this; don't try to find one or pry one out of her.

Be as physically active as you can be. Walk, run, bike, join a gym...anything to keep your body moving. Distract and occupy your mind with anything other than the situation.

Now...I'm going to give you my opinion regarding the high school "friend", and some people on here may disagree with this. If you get a chance to read about my situation, you will see why this is such a sensitive area for me. You need to determine what you will and will not tolerate regarding your W's relationship and involvement with the friend. An MLC is one thing; an EA is another. As long as she is getting her emotional needs met by someone else, anything you do to improve yourself or your situation will be ignored or not noticed. I can't tell you where the line should be drawn, but I can tell that I let my W's EA get completely out of hand right in front of me and it caused her to lose what little respect was left.

Detach as much as you possibly can, then detach some more. Don't lose your self-esteem or self-respect. Those are yours, and nobody should be able to take those away from you.

Post often; soon your "moderated" status will be lifted and they will appear as soon as you post.