Hi all, first post here, though I've been on other forums for a while.
Without going into too much detail initially, here's my story...
In January of this year, my wife told me that she was done. This came after me asking her to try and figure out why she had been unhappy last fall. Her answer, after talking with someone who remains anonymous, was that the problem was me. We had been through tough times before, but always had the love to fall back on. This was different; from that moment onward she has said she didn't know if she wanted me to be a part of her life, and in May that got amended to she knew that she didn't want me. We have 3 children, ages 6, 3 1/2, and 2.
Before I found out about help books and websites, I began my own somewhat lacking version of the 180. I got much of it right, but I missed the emotional part big time. Although she had never said that she wanted it to work out between us (since January), she didn't switch that to she was done until I made a few more mistakes.
Regardless, I reached the point of becoming more aware of my emotional behavior about 2 months ago, but by that point I think she'd already passed the point of no return. We seem to be relatively on the same page as far as how we got to where we are (neglect in marriage, though she still points the finger at me and not at herself at all), but we are far from agreeing on where to go from here.
The last several months, since June or so, it's been relatively calm, but in early August when I asked what her intentions were, she reiterated she was done. We both were upset, but agreed to work together for the best course. She asked me to move, I initially agreed, then later came to my senses and said I couldn't walk out on my children. Though we have both been seeing IC, we haven't yet seen an MC. I explained, which made her angry at first, that I couldn't in good conscience walk away from my children's everyday lives without knowing I'd done everything possible to make it work.
She said that she didn't like it, but would go. A few weeks later, she gets angry because I'm still around. We'd been able to go do some things together, I though and still enjoy each others company. However, she told me she was trying to be nice, and really didn't like being around me. I got upset (oops) and told her to stop pretending. Don't be nice if she doesn't want to be, and don't go anywhere with me if she doesn't want to go. Unfortunately, she's the one who usually has the plans, so I get left behind a lot. I say that I can't live in an environment where she despises my very presence, and inform her that I'll start looking for an apartment A.S.A.P.
In my fix-it personality, I find things that I haven't brought up yet that somehow may make sense to her, or so I think. I bring up a reasoning appeal: the next 2 years are going to suck but will eventually get better. The major difference in paths will be the impact on the kids lives. From a reasonable person point of view, I think this may make her think a bit. She gets defensive, says that I'm throwing things in her face to hurt her (I was advised shortly after that it's all going to hurt, I can't stop that but I can't not be honest). I don't want to hurt her, but I'm done letting her drive the bus.
Since she came to me in January, she's driven the direction we've taken to not work on our marriage. The things I've done have had no impact, and she's decided that even though she's the one who wants out, I should be the one to move out since she's the breadwinner. She doesn't value my 6 years as a Stay at home Dad, and views the house and its contents as hers. This is a sticking point for me. I don't want anything but to not have to leave my children...
The day after I try my reason appeal, she comes and says that she thinks it would be best if I stayed in the house for a smoother transition from marriage to divorce. She wants to work out what we think will be best. She thinks it will be easier for schedule, finances, and the children. I tell her I'd be glad to stay, and am very glad that she wants to work together. I mention that we haven't been working together since January, that she's been driving the divorce process. I say again that I'd be glad to work together, regardless of the outcome, just to have some sort of agreement would be nice.
She gets upset when I tell her that she's been driving the divorce, and the bus, and leaves the room saying, "I guess we'll talk about it in therapy".
...........
Okay, that's the quick story. There are far more details that may shed some light, and I'm happy to answer questions if asked. Now for my current issue.
Every time anything positive is said, I gain a little hope. In and of itself, there is no issue with that. The problem arises when she notices via my disappointment when something doesn't pan out the way I was expecting. I need a new perspective that allows me some hope while diminishing my expectations. As I've read on other topics here and other places, there is the conflict of her still caring, and her trying to detach herself from me. Difficult to watch, and I'm sure difficult to do. It throws me for a loop, and I need a better way to handle it.
She doesn't respond well at all to non-communication, it makes her very angry. Our best and most comfortable time together is usually talking about the kids or her job/life. I don't bring up my life, she isn't interested anymore, but she can't seem to stop talking about her life to me. I listen and respond minimally, but she keeps going. I want to her to see the impact that not having me around will have, but I don't want to push her further away by not interacting. This is the most difficult aspect of the 180 for me.
I love the DB book and process, and I can see the benefit for myself, it's just such a hard fit for the type of person that my wife is. Or perhaps it's also hard fit for Fix-it's like me.
