This has not been a good night. I rcvd a note from my atty about the procedural thing from earlier in the week. My W decided to get her atty involved. It prob cost us about $750 that didn’t need to be spent. My W told me I can’t control her and that she decided to get follow her atty’s advice because she "trusts" her. This is going to get expensive.
I, like everyone, despise attorneys (no offense, some of my best friends fit the label). I hate the thought of paying them for nonsense. I fear my W may be getting sucked in to dependency on her atty. I approached her and shouldn’t have. I need to learn to take time to cool down. I didn’t raise my voice but did say things I regret. I almost immediately sent her a text apologizing for regressing into my old “tone” when I was talking to her. I told her I am trying to kill that part of me but sometimes regress. It is not who I am or who I want to be. No meaningful response from her.
I was supposed to go out tonight and did for awhile. I really didn’t have anywhere to go. I came home and entered my room through the back door and had zero intention of letting her know I was here. I want to give her space. She opened the door and saw me sitting in bed and it scared the bejesus out of her. She was irritated.
We are going to sit down and talk about the D next week. Division of assets, living arrangements, custody, etc. I hate to think about it but know it is a big issue for her. I have been fighting letting her have the kids overnight away from home but now realize that riding this D out in the same house is a pipe dream. My kids are going to feel pain and all I can do is minimize it as much as possible.
I have been holding onto hope that my W would have an epiphany but now know it’s not going to happen.
She told me tonight that she hopes we can one day be friends but right now she is being forced to be someone she is not. I asked her "why is that" and she asked me to stop. I did. My God. How can you go through something like this realizing you are not being yourself? What happens when your “self” returns? Further strengthens my belief that she will one day feel unbelievable remorse for what is happening.
My poor boys. They are going to see their mother move out of our home. They are going to be subjected to over a decade of shuffling between homes and dealing with new love interests and spouses to their parents. Why? Because their Mother can’t accept the changes their Father is making are genuine in this moment. She is “someone else” and can’t trust it. What a frickin tragedy.
