Do what I can but still have questions 4

[soccerwife]

I am not trying Fertel's approach as a whole, just going through for additional advice that applies to DBing. I have to get H on board before I bother with Fertel's program for real.

I knew you were going to think I was manipulating H. That was not my intention. It was totally and accidental guilt trip. I meant to smile and be sarcastic like you suggested but just couldn't pull it off when the time came. i am not going to attempt anything like that again until he actually says he wants to work on M. He is just not ready for honest communication. I am giving him the space and freedom he thinks he wants.

Just touching on the rope again... every time I DB for a while (throwing him off balance) and then he stops distancing a little, I go ahead and give him some honesty (yank the rope hard while he is still off balance) and he ends up giving some sign that he wants to work on M (he falls and I "win" the tug-of-war). I don't really mean that I win (just in the tug-of-war analogy).

Our sitch in a nutshell: He is miserable but claims I am perfect and there is nothing I could change that would make him feel differently. At the moment, I believe him that there is no OW. He asked me to mutually agree to D and after much thought and a session with Laurie, I decided that was against my most deeply held beliefs. I told him I will not agree to or aid in D but I understand he wants out. I also told him I intend to be his wife as I promised and help him figure out what will actually make him happy (because he admits that D may not make him happy either). So, yes, we are both in depressions... me because of the stress and him because of multiple life crisis that hit in the last 2 yrs. After our last major argument a week and a half ago when I told him I will not agree to D, he sent me a txt the next day that he would go to MC with me if I wanted. I put the ball back in his court and told him to make the appt if he liked, so I really don't know if he is willing to work on M or not. And the time is NOT right to ask.

All of the things you suggested me saying to him about this weekend "party", he would consider pursuing at this point and that is why I first chose to just say, "No, I don't mind". He has made it VERY clear to me that he does NOT want to spend time with me and does NOT enjoy my company. He will not be persuaded to stay home because I wanted to spend time with him. That would repulse him. And in truth, I didn't have any plans for the weekend but I just don't appreciate not being allowed to make any.

Of the three senarios you laid out, I can't see him doing any of those. He went even though I and the kids wanted him home and he probably won't feel too bad about it and he will come home in a terrible mood because he doesn't want to be here. But he IS going to get a loving re-entry.