first, what are you doing to work on you, since you are all you are in charge of?
I am now more open about my feelings. I openly accept alternative viewpoints as valid. I used to be very black and white. I have started sharing details of my experiences of my parents D. Never really talked about it. I have started talking more freely with her and not requiring her to ask several questions to get the “whole story”. I am speaking confidently again. I am volunteering at a local charity. I am spending time with family that I sort of alienated in the past. I am sharing thoughts of those experiences with her. I am making great eye contact. I am talking calmly almost all of the time. I am listening to her and others. I am telling my kids I love them much more. I am being much more patient with them. I am hugging them much more. I am playing with them more. I am spending a lot more quality time with them. I am much more confident about myself. I am shaving every day. I am wearing better clothes around the house and in public. I am working out a lot. I am keeping my appearance up in general. I am starting conversations about other people’s experiences/issue and showing true compassion for their situations. I joined the YMCA which she wanted to do for over a year. I am having phone conversations out in the open….used to leave the room. I am more positive and upbeat in general. I am consciously trying to avoid negative statements. I am listening to music more. I am watching much less TV. I am paying her compliments about her appearance (not too frequently). I am occasionally telling her I admire her strength for how she is dealing with this sitch while working so many hours at her stressful job. I am complimenting the improvements she is making in her running. I am asking frequent questions about the people in her life that are dealing with physical ailments. I am acting “As If” as much as possible. I am going out with friends as much as possible There are more……..
second, if you are so sure she's riddled with guilt and that she regrets her choice, why doesn't she say she changed her mind or wants to give it another go?
Is it really just stubborn pride that keeps her on track for leaving,
**I think she is being stubborn to try to prove her strength and independence.
or
Does she think you are making it so much about her being "wrong", that it would be impossible for someone with a shred of self respect, to come crawling home?
**I don't dwell on her being wrong. At least I don't think I do. I am not shy about telling her that I don't agree with her decision. Maybe I should be. I know she knows I don't want the D. I am not going to tell her again. I do think that she has taken such a hard stance on this and so many people know about it that it would be difficult for her to pull back. I think she thinks she would look weak. I think this is a big issue.
I'm just asking but yes, i do get pick up a lot of judgement in your tone here. I know you are angry, but own that. It's okay to be angry.
** I do think I'm judging. I don't think the punishment matches the crime. She is not herself. She told me tonight that she is "being forced to be someone she is not right now". My response was "why is that" and she asked me to stop and I did. What will she feel when she returns to herself? She is going to hate herself. She is going to hate what she has done. I absolutely and unequivically believe that. She is hurting a lot of people including our sons.
Don't feign concern if it's just anger. Though showing her the anger is a bad idea, it's understandable if you feel it. Just vent here, and not on her.
**I appreciate this. I try to control may anger as much as possible. I slipped a little tonight. I need to be strong enough to take some time when my anger starts to mount. Nothing good comes from the alternative. It only validates her jaded views.
Denying the anger doesn't teach you how to cope with it.
Did you ask her best friend about her "keeping things inside" b/c you were simply probing for more info? Like what?
I can honestly say that my only concerns were for my wife. She is an emotional mess. I am concerned about her. She is not equipped to deal with what she is experiencing. I just wanted to make sure she was venting to someone.
