Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith

[Valeska19]

Here is a title to my old thread.

Too Tired To Fight

Brief Overview.
W and I have been separated for almost 5 months due to "I love you but" and "finding herself". D-Bomb dropped on July 9th. July 31st, I found out she is officially dating again. There is no contact unless it is about D.

Journaling...

The reason I didn't name my thread "Too Tired to Fight pt 2" is because it no longer applies to my sitch. Because I'm not too tired to stop fighting. I plan to keep fighting for the rest of my life.

I think the biggest realization that I have made in the last 5 months is that it's truly not about saving my m, it is about saving me. You hear it on the board all the time, but it's hard to understand... especially when you are new to this kind of pain. It's hard because we are in our own fog. A fog of pain and confusion where our only goal is to save our marriage.. NO MATTER WHAT. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the "save our marriage" mentality (lord knows I still wish I could) but we can twist it to not only pursue and beg, but to stop from detaching, or be paralyzed in so much fear we can't make decisions. We can use that goal to keep things status quo because we focus soo much on fixing the "unit", we don't look at ourselves. The individual that makes up 50% of the unit. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not sure I can really describe it.

So when I say I plan to keep fighting for the rest of my life, I don't mean for my marriage. I mean for me. Just because my validating and understanding didn't stop my w from walking out the door. Nor did my 180s stop her from walking out of my life, didn't mean it didn't save me. For me, DBing goes way beyond my marriage, but into all r's. It's hard and it's sad, but every day I become more okay with the fact that even though I am working on me it doesn't mean my m will get better. I am learning to be okay with the fact that this hardship is in my life so I can become a better Val.

I'm learning who I want to be at that's why I labeled my sitch what I have. I've been challenged by wonderful people on this board to condense my goals and set actions. I know I don't have everything figured out yet and probably won't for awhile, but it seems that my 13 goals can be achieved from those four words. Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith.

For my w, for myself, for sitch, my friends, my family, co-workers, and even people I've never met. It just seems that if I do my d@mndest to have every interaction, action, etc come from that place.. things will be alright. Better than alright, it will be great.

I consider this a moment of clarity in the craziness and emotional rollercoaster of what is - my current life.