Do what I can but still have questions 4

[25yearsmlc]

Sw

I admire how much you are trying and reading. Good for you! I caution you a bit about reading conflicting info and approaches b/c it can undermine any and all the approaches if you never give one of them a genuine complete effort. make sense? I don't agree with Fertel and wondered (I began his book in the store and left it there) if he assumes talking to community about a marriage is some hens bitching about their h's and getting riled up. To say "never" do it is too rigid and black/white for me. Also counterintuitive. We invited people to our wedding and asked anyone to object if they had reservations and essentially marriage IS a community event and a societal concern.

Not getting IC for you when your spouse is checking out of the m seems crazy but, to each his own.

Just decide if DBing is what you want to do and if it is, do THAT and try the other stuff if and when you are sure DBing has not worked...that's my .02 there.

So even after my little bit of a mess up this morning, I must have done enough things right. H just called me out of the blue (he NEVER calls me during the day) to ask me about S13, who had a doctor's appt this afternoon.

Baby steps count...good.

Sometimes I wonder if our M is like tug-of-war. We just keep pulling in our own directions and no one wins. The key to winning is loosening your pull slightly and throwing the other person off balance and then yanking really hard to pull the rope in your direction.

God, I hope that's not what works. I don't want any "winners" in my m if it means someone has to "lose". And that's what you are implying. Has your h ever said he feels manipulated by you?


That is what happens every time I DB for a while, then I let him have it how I really feel in an arguement and he ends up doing what I want. Isn't that strange?

Yes it is strange and It's not DBing. Getting him to do what you want isn't the goal. Restoring the marriage is. Do you see the difference?
What does it meant to "yank really hard" or "throw them off balance"? Does it mean to do a 180 and get them wondering? That part I get. But I don't get the yank really hard or the "get them to do what you want" part. At least not the DB way. Did you finish reading the Divorce Remedy book?

RE the present issue--over all, the issue is he wants you to justify his return to the marriage, correct? And yet he's also partying with his peeps, we hope there's no OW and in a nutshell, he's not doing any of the "work" but wants you to convince him to stay? And you both are struggling with depression? Is that more or less it? I just need to make sure I got that straight.

RE the short term goal of expressing yourself authentically when he asks for something you don't want to give (the real goal here is you guys honestly communicating without making the other one "wrong", Not just getting him to stay home. If you use guilt to manipulate it will backfire.

No marriages last and are happy, with guilt as the motivator. It leads to resentment and passive aggressive behavior and that's IF they stick around...they rarely do. So...let's look at another way of handling this type of request.


You want him to stay home this weekend, instead of partying with his friends for 3 days and then returning in a nasty mood to boot.

Instead of owning that--which wasn't unreasonable, btw- you chose first to deny it, then inwardly resent it, then try to guilt him into staying, and it backfired. Pretty much bad choices from start to finish...do you see how it would have been better the first chance to say the truth, calmly and leave out the judgement?

Instead of saying that his going means he's selfish, doesn't care about the family, or prefers the company of others (which we all do now and then)

you just say how YOU FEEL...e.g.,

"Thanks for asking b/c actually yes I do mind you leaving to party for the whole weekend and leaving me with the kids the whole time.
*This is a holiday weekend and I wanted to have a break myself (if true, admit that, if not, leave it out) for some part of it, AND
* the kids wanted to do 'x' and 'y' so it's not fair to them to cancel that,
but it's much harder on me to do it without you there too, AND
*I don't want to be alone each night of the weekend b/c I wanted to be intimate with you some or all of those nights.
* And truth be told, it hurts my feelings a little that you want to leave again, and I'm a tad envious (if true) that I don't get to go do that myself --very often/ever/with you."

See Soccer, by telling him how you feel without making him "wrong" for asking, is not something he can really get angry about. You just told how you felt. And what you said was all true (only say the parts that are authentic for you obviously) and it was not judgemental...you didn't make him "wrong" for asking. If he still chooses to go, at least you know you were honest and he cannot claim you "said it was fine but now you are angry. This is your fault!"

Just a suggestion.


The call went perfectly. I was pleasant and happy, didn't pursue, and exited the conversation first. All 180's for me. I guarantee he is wondering what the h___ is going on. I could almost laugh about it.

is he still going? Assuming he is, that doesn't mean you didn't do some good 180s. It's good you see that.

I hope you'll consider the less manipulative and more honest approach to answering questions/requests that you have to, when you think it'll be tough.

Women tend to do this more than men but both do it. We say yes when we mean 'no" and it's easy to say we are trying to please or to be loving and kind. But that kindness loving argument ONLY works when we don't resent them for taking us up on our answers, and even then, I prefer honesty.

My h asked me if he could go on a big hunting trip the same weekend of my high school reunion (which he forgotten the date of, & which I planned to attend on my own, across the country). I would prefer he not go, truth be told. But it's important to him to go and he doesn't ask often. So I told him that's my HS reunion weekend but since it's also his one chance to go with that guide & it matters so much to him,

I'd say yes and I'd get childcare...but yes I told him about my previously made plans he had forgotten about. (I didn't cover it up to avoid HIS discomfort and then seethe).

I told him what I was doing to make his plan and my trip both happen. Not to brag about my "heroic sacrifice" but to be honest and to show him love.

He offered to make the arrangements for our youngest but I chose to handle it b/c I know the better sitters. Point is, I said "yes" b/c I love him and he feels loved when he knows that I'm doing something for him b/c of that. A "win win" so to speak.

Make sense?

Were you afraid that if you told him you did mind (but assume you didn't add in the part about his screwed up priorities, etc) but that he could go if it was that important to him, that he'd get angry and go anyhow?

Can you imagine a scenario in which HE

1) chose not to go but was not miserable at home this weekend, (fuming with resentment), OR

2) chose to go but felt good about your answer; OR

3) chose to go but wished he'd stayed home b/c you and kids were more fun/loving...

MAYBE--Try figuring out what an answer that achieves one of these would look like.

Soccerwife you can feel good about your progress even with some mistakes along the way. No one gets all this right, let alone fast. And the WAS has their own delayed reaction to our changes too...

Good luck, keep reading (but choose ONE approach at a time!!)