To DB, or not to DB, that is the question.

[Endeavour]

I don't know how you can take his bombs seriously. Is it at the point where they go in one ear and out the other? On a serious note, if you can detach from these bombs, I think your mental health would improve. It may be that he's pushing buttons, expecting a particular reaction. Could this be his way of indicating he wants to talk?

A part of me doesn't take the bombs seriously anymore but I think my distress is coming from the fact that I'm questioning whether I will ever trust him again. It feels like the long slow death of our M and I think that's what I'm reacting to.

Our M hasn't been healthy for about a year or so and neither of us did anything to make it better, so I take responsibility for that, but I've lived with a lot of fear. Fear of D, fear of hurting the kids. Fear of the future.

As for his way of using the bombs to talk, perhaps. He's more open during his bomb drops, and after as well for some unknown reason, but then he withdraws again. And we repeat the cycle.

He's been repeating this cycle for 20 years whenever we go through a trouble spot. I'm not sure he can stop it. But then when I'm feeling very low, I blame myself. As in perhaps, I am the wrong person for him and if he was with the right woman, he would be normal. And I'm just the wrong woman and I do this to men.

I think you need to just make photocopies of that bad boy.

I almost spit my coffee out when I read that. Literally. Thanks. I needed a good laugh.

Frankly, I think he's very, very confused. I don't think he knows what he wants. He's reading all these books, he's talking about the same things all the time. He's all over the map. He's searching.

I agree but I'm getting angry that he holds all the power when it comes to our M and our family. I know that's my ego talking but I'm tired of feeling rejected and humiliated.

I'm going to chalk this one up as a positive. I haven't read the book myself, but I have a general idea what it's about. I believe matches up pretty well at least one of your hot buttons on your list. I think it's good he wants to read it.

Well, he texted me last night (he's still texting me while we're both in the same house) to let me know that he bought the ebook. I ordered it for him off Amazon but it hasn't arrived yet so he's obviously very eager to read it. But I'm not even going to speculate (or consider it a positive) at this point because I have very little faith left. Sadly.

It may help to let go of it, though. If I haven't learned anything over these last 3 1/2 years, I've at least learned that everybody, and I do mean EVERYBODY has their junk. I think everyone thought the same of me, too. Getting it out there helped me, at least. It's helped me to help other people, too. Once people know I'm not perfect, either, they will share more.

Yes, you are right. I think it's time for me to let go. Part of me feels guilty because the friend that is asking is 28 years old and I feel like I should be an example for her. She pursued the friendship with me and I have no idea why on earth she wanted to be friends with a 40 year old woman. Although, I know she looks up to me for a variety of reasons, and I feel like I shouldn't burden her. I'm not sure I'm even making sense but obviously I feel a sense of shame about all of this...

Thanks again, jb. ((()))