Do what I can but still have questions 4

[soccerwife]

Finished a couple more Phases and CD's of Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness program and now I see that many of the long-term DBers have also went through that program. So many of the phrases/advice/pieces of wisdom that were given to me on my threads came from that program..."go into it with no expectations", "make the changes for yourself, not to save your M", "the only thing you can control is you", etc.

Some key differences that I have noticed so far:
1. DBing is really for the LBSer, someone who is trying to get back an uncooperative spouse and the information is much more specific along those lines. Whereas Marriage Fitness works best for those who have the cooperation of thier spouse. Although marriage Fitness does have the lone Ranger Track, it just isn't as specific or offer as much support (especially individualized support).
2. Mort Fertel is strongly opposed to seeking ANY outside help. He believes that a couple should NEVER talk to friends or family about M issues because he says it violates the privacy of M. He goes further to say that a couple should NOT go to MC until they have a good R. He says that the only outlet for frustrations in your M is your spouse, IC with a professional, or through journalling on your own.

DB, on the other hand, is very pro-community as is demonstrated by this forum. If I didn't have some way to get out my frustrations by getting feedback from people, where would I be? Probably still depressed or worse! And if I hadn't confided in the right family member or friend at the right moment during the evolution of all of this, I would not have been able to do all of the self discovery.

I started this entire journey by first reading, "Save My Marriage" by William Doherty. It is a wonderful book and talks about how he believes M's should be more community supported. Maybe that is why I disagree with Fertel that you should NEVER seek advice from family and friends, but my experience is that they want to save my M just as much as I do, just because they love me and can see how much I want it.

3. Lastly, Fertel's program so far is not about action-oriented goal setting. I have not found a single exercise useful yet. Maybe that is because I figured out all of that stuff on my own months ago, even before I started to DB. But I can see it being useful to a couple who just realized they have a problem but has done no self-exploring yet. I am not saying I haven't learned anything from him, I have learned a couple little things already, but so far, DBing has been more help to my sitch.