An Apology from my MLC ex-wife

[MHL]

Well, I went over to my XW's last night to set up a TV that her mother gave her. The TV she has is starting to go so her mom gave her an old one.......27" behemoth.....it was more about me getting it out of her car and in the house than it was hooking it up. Som' b!tch was heavy!!!!!

She usually drives out to get my S11 on Tues and Thurs. I volunteered to bring him to her place and pick up dinner on the way.....she offered to pick up some beer. I guess the beer made it more social.

The 3 of us sat down in her small little kitchen and ate subway and her and I had some beers before I lugged the TV into her house.

It was nice, she was very nice and accomodating, she offered to get me things and make sure I was comfortable. My XW is a cat person and apparently there was a stray cat under her deck that had some kittens and she was showing me the 3 little kittens running around going in and out of the house. The kittens provided the icebreaker and laughter that was needed to put everyone at ease. The beer probably helped too.

I still found myself not totally looking her in the face and I was definitely more reserved in my demeanor but I was not uncomfortable and I was not thinking how messed up in the head she is/or used to be.

She was trying last night, I am pretty sure. There were butterfly touches she was doing, she was trying to be funny and keep it light.

Tables are totally turned from 2 years ago. I am the WAS.

I have changed.....I know it. I am a totally different person than I was 2 years ago.....I sense that she has come back from where ever it is that she went........thing is, I am not where she left me.

We finished eating and then I brought in the TV and set it up. My son plopped down on the couch and watched TV and my XW and I popped another couple of beers and sat in the kitchen and talked.

I showed her pictures of me and the kids from the cruise we took over spring break.......I knew she would enjoy seeing pictures of our D14. We talked about the cruise the kids and I took and she stated that she had not been on a "real" vacation since the last time we all went as a family on a cruise in spring of 2009, just weeks before she met OM. (he is not in the picture)

She then asked about my upcoming trip to Mexico with my girlfriend. We talked about it and I stated that I was looking forward to a week long break from no kids and no responsibility.

She stated that she wished she could take more than three days in a row from kids. When she said that, the thought crossed my mind that she had been on many, many kidless 3 day weekends with other men, friends and whatever over the last 2 years. The nice thing is that I did not feel pain, resentment, nor anything other than the fact that is how she felt. It was just information......"conversation fodder".

As I reflect back on it.......I can remember being in utter anguish and pain knowing she was off at the beach or a winery or the mountains or where ever with the other men. I remember thinking how unfair it was, how she was living the life with no responsibilities at all........now I am living the life for real.......I am doing well and taking vacations and my life has moved forward without her.

I wonder if she connects the two situations like I do???

She went on to ask a little bit about my girlfriend, what she did for a living and about her kids. Nothing deeper. It felt a little funny telling her about my girlfriend, but I have nothing to hide and I did not rub her face in it.

I did not ask if she was dating anyone........don't want to know. I do not think she is but I am not going to ask.

It got to be around 9 pm and my S11 needed to get to bed and I needed to get home to my D14 so I said I needed to go b/c of D14 and she said okay. I kissed my son goodnite and she walked me out. She thanked me for helping with the TV and I said "no problem, anytime." I told her good bye and turned and left. No hugs or anything like that just 2 friends saying goodbye.

I am left thinking this about my XW..........

I will continue to be friendly with her........it is who I AM.

It feels better, I don't feel like a doormat or like I am being taken advantage of because I do not view myself as a victim..........

Why am I not a victim????

My LIFE IS GOOD!!!! I made it that way, I am happy.

I am the MAN she fell in love with so many years ago, but now I am even better. The thing that is different is that I am that MAN she fell in love with.....for me.......not for her.

I sense that she may want there to be more than friendship between us, I am not sure I would want that or to even explore that right now.

I am going to continue to be friendly to her and probably even be her friend again.

I will say this.....it is nice to do what feels right for a change. I do not have to do what is counter intuitive anymore.

I am still trying to shut down the automatic protection mode of operation around her............I had a little success this morning when she dropped off our son's stuff from last night.

She came in the house and we talked a minute or two about some things and then I gave her a very warm smile as I was saying good bye........she stopped and smiled back warmly.

It was nice.

Sorry for the length.....guess it was more journaling than anything.

Cheers