Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

AC, will return to your questions later (you have some good stuff, there), but right now I just have a little time at work, and need to type up what is going on now.

A couple of nights ago, I woke W up to ask her a question. Fairly trivial, and I won't muddle this up by specifying. She was a little irked that I had woken her up for that, so I apologized and let her go back to sleep.

Last night, when I got home, W was completely cold with me. After the kids were in bed, I asked her what was wrong, and she was still angry about my having woken her up, as she has been complaining of sleeping poorly lately, and she felt as though I had showed total disregard for her. I apologized again, and admitted I had been inconsiderate. This did not warm her up any, but I have been learning to be honest with my faults, apologize sincerely, then leave the forgiving up to her, instead of continuing to beg forgiveness, which doesn't really seem to do any good.

I went to bed, and when she came later, she opened up the converation again. OK, no problem. She was talking about how my treating her inconsiderately was not a mistake, because a mistake is when something happens a few times and then changed, and she stated that I have been continuously treating her as if she doesn't count. She made this point a couple of times (I having said nothing until this point), and then I finally opened my mouth to speak(I had been taken aback by her statement that I had consistently treated her as not counting, and had intended to ask her, respectfully, to tell me how I had done this). This was a HUGE mistake. She became livid, and said, "And now you're going to interrupt me?! You're an @$$hole!" I apologized for interrupting her, but didn't dare speak a word beyond that. She climbed into bed, and said "*%$# you!" then turned over to sleep. As she was presumably done speaking, I started to speak again. I did not even get the first word out, when she said, "I don't want to hear it! #*%& you!"

Now, I know that surrendering the bed is not a good strategic move. But W had, apparently, laid down her terms. She had spoken her utter contempt for me, and wanted that to be the last word of the conversation. I didn't think that staying in bed, nice and cozy with her, when she had spoken like that to me, conveyed much self respect on my part. I took my alarm clock and went to sleep on a couch we keep in the basement. W poked her head in and shouted down the stairs to remember to take my alarm clock and cell phone.

I came back upstairs, told her I had already remembered my alarm clock, but thanked her for reminding me to take my phone (I was on call for work, last night). I also apologized for interrupting her, and explained what I had intended to ask, explaining that I was very sorry to hear that I had been treating her so disrespectfully. She did not answer my question, but did say "thank you," in response.

I still went downstairs rather than trying to climb back into bed with her, I'm not sure why. It wasn't until I got a call from work, and had to come upstairs (cell phone reception is pretty poor in the basement) that I decided to get back into bed.

I didn't try to cuddle with her, just to establish a respectful presence. She pulled a bit of bedsheet on which I had laid out from under me and put it on top of me. I interpreted this as an expression of the fact that she hates it when I lie on top of covers she is laying under (she feels restrained). Later, I wondered if this had been an invitation to get closer. If it was, then I might have been seen as rejecting her. I know that when I have pulled away from her affection after arguments in the past she has taken it as rejection (honestly, I had just felt disrespected and felt uncomfortable accepting her affection at that point. I needed to know that she didn't hold me in contempt before I felt comfortable opening up to her advances. It was kind of what I needed in order to respect myself.) Anyway, I kind of wish I had come closer to her this time - her thanking me for what I had said showed a kind of appreciation for my point of view such that I could have lived with getting closer at that point.

So, fast forward to today. I have been upset and depressed all morning. I didn't mean to mistreat W at all. I feel so powerless - knowing that I can mean the best for her, and it means nothing, because I can still be treating her with (from her point of view) total disregard. It's hard not to ask myself if I am even capable of being a good husband for her. I feel so clumsy and stupid. And lonely.

Anyway, I needed to put that up here. If anyone has anything to offer that could help...I'm not exactly sure where to go from here. What do I do or say when I get home from work tonight?