I've done much reading here as well as Michelle's 7 Step book - when school doesn't get in the way......
Wife and I talked again last night. I'm still not hurt by the things she says because I really do see it differently.
- I love you/ not in love -> CHECK - I've been miserable for years -> CHECK - I (my wife) bends over backwards until she can't take it -> CHECK - Nobody changes -> CHECK - Nobody cares until she has a foot out the door -> CHECK - She's furious/angry with me -> CHECK - We've grown apart -> CHECK - She doesn't trust me at all -> CHECK - Doesn't want to be married to me -> CHECK - She feels trapped -> CHECK
This is all interesting. It's almost like diagnosing flu-like symptoms. There's so many people here in this forum that say the exact same things about their situations. Makes me wonder how we can't seem to pinpoint a direction towards a known resolution. We are all different as are our spouses, but the feelings seem so "expected". When my wife tells me these things I find myself checking off a mental list. Hell I'm practicly finishing her thoughts ( not out loud of course ).
I know we're supposed to look for clues that what we're doing for ourselves is working....... Hmmm. Tough one. I may have seen something in what she said last night. For a few months now I've been in my happy place, at home and at work. I feel great! She finds my laid back approach annoying as of late. Question is - Why? Expressing my love and affection in email, voice and text several months back only served to push her away. So could it be that my distance is giving her pause to "consider" me and that bothers her? Interesting for sure......
I was very non-confrontational with her during our talk and very careful knowing she will not believe much of anything I say so I focused on getting her to explore her own thoughts. I asked her questions about feelings she said she has and she could not answer them. This makes me believe she's not even considered "why" she feels the way she does. Kind of like - Don't question why we breath air, we just do!
I chose my words very carefully with her. I took a baby step that was a bit of a giant leap, but if you don't test the water with your toe, you won't know how cold it is. I attempted to reassure her that if at some time her back gets sore from sleeping on the living room floor, she could come to bed to sleep and I would not take it as a sign or read into it. I do not expect results. I just threw something out there for her.
I told her I enjoyed these talks. She doesn't believe me and I understand that. Who in their right mind wants to hear that the person they love so much hates them? I told her it's because it provides me with insight as to how she's feeling and it allows her to release frustration at me. Where I used to be defensive, I sit in quiet consideration.
The one thing I'd like her to do, an experiment if you will. I told her that I'd be just fine if she told me every day that she doesn't love me and doesn't want to be married to me. I told her she could do that every day or every couple of days. I don't believe she'd follow through with it. I don't hurt much anymore and the experiment would allow her release and that is usually followed by questioning ones motivations.......
