...that secret from which one never quite recovers, that even in the most perfect love, one person loves less profoundly than the other.

Thornton Wilder
"Bridge of San Luis Rey"

I sent this email to W yesterday:

"It was really nice to see you on Monday.

When I asked you what do you want to do your answer has been bothering me.

You said you wanted to divorce because you didn’t think I could accept you the way you are.

W please don’t make a decision based on what you think I want or what you think I will do or how I feel.

You don’t know what that is.

So I will ask you again and I want YOUR answer. What do YOU want? For your own reasons.

So you will not have any regrets.

Why do you want a divorce?"

I have realized some things over the passed several days. I have been trying to reconcile my love for my W and sharing a life with her.

Or not sharing a life with her.

All the while the fear of what happened in our M looms large. Pin pointing it is difficult but I think it is this:

When it came down to a choice between our M and a choice of something against it and/or against herself she chose the path of destruction. She chose the short term escape rather than the long term commitment.

I will never know the depths of the pain she felt during these times. She did tell me on Monday that it was like torture that she could only choose to make it stop by running away and that was not helping our M.

So the question becomes is it safe?

This is not a question for me as much for her. If I do not believe that she knows the difference between a loving choice for me and our M and one that is not, then I should have made tracks a long time ago.

That person is there. She is scared. She doesn't trust herself. She does not believe herself to be lovable. Because of what she has chosen in the past. So the easiest way for her is to say what she believes:

"We should divorce because you don't like me."

For me? If she does believe and begin to trust herself again.

Maybe I could too?

There is nothing to do here until she does.

My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am