Do what I can but still have questions 4

[soccerwife]

Yes, I was focused on the "what if" future there for a while. I just had questions about what to do in every case, no matter what he says to me, I want to have at least thought about my response. You know, be one step ahead of the game.

I am pretty much prepared in case of the best or the worst discussion ("I had an A", or "I decided I want this to work"). I still have to do some thinking about my response to "Your papers are served", which I am almost 100% certain he hasn't started yet.

Anyway, I thought about all that enough for the time being. I have given more thought to what you said about being honest with H about how I feel about him leaving for a "party" for the entire holiday weekend. I have also thought about how that relates to forgiveness.

I woke up at 4am feeling down with the urge to get a hug. Instead of doing so, I decided to exercise discipline and determine what emotion was really working through me. It was a little anger about the weekend and of course some hurt that he would rather spend it with someone else. So, instead of being angry with both him and myself (for not saying anything to stick up for myself) and letting the anger turn into resentment that I have to forgive at some point, I decided I should think of something to say that shows my disappointment by being funny/sarcastic, but not snotty.

"See you tomorrow." (pretending like I thought he was only staying one night like was originally what was agreed upon to which he will probably say he isn't coming back until Sunday evening).

then with a smile if I can pull it off, "Oh, I thought you were spending one night, if "partying" all weekend is what makes you happy, see you Sunday, have a great time dear."

I won't have to say any more than that to get my point across that I disapprove and that he should know what is important in life. It won't likely change his mind to come home when he should but it will plant a seed in his head that he is not acting in the best interest of his family and at some level, I know he will feel bad. He has said on numerous occasions lately that he doesn't want to be selfish and take too much time to himself (I think that is a positive sign that he wants to work on things). So, I will still have to forgive him for his actions, but I won't have to forgive myself for being dishonest with both him and myself.

As Laurie questions, "will this bring him closer or push him away?" I think this approach will bring him closer than me not saying a word to stick up for myself or the kids (for losing time with dad all weekend). H still gets to do exactly as he wants, I am not pursuing, and he can feel bad about it on his own time.

Wish me luck! I hope I can end the conversation and not let all the other emotions come out too. Discipline... and then I start feeling bad because I just went downstairs and he had moved the laundry from the washer to the dryer for me, something he has only done maybe 6 times EVER. It appears he may be trying.