I didn't hear a great deal from my wife during the day as she was with the kids, but I got a few calls and texts, telling me how the dentist had went and what clothes my daughter wanted me to buy her!!!!
I finished work and went to the gym, I got out early as I had my second AA meeting.
When I left I had a missed call from my wife, I called her back, and she was asking if I could drop our son off at football, but it was fine as she had already left with him.
I said I would meet them there as it was on my way home, and I would stay a small while.
I got there and was talking to other parents, everyone was commenting on my weight loss and my toned chest!!!!felt great!!!
At that my wife pulled up, usually she would just drop off our son, wave, and drive off, but she pulled up right next to me smiling, she was really relaxed and nice, we chatted about the kids, my daughter was in the car showing me her sweets she had bought, my wife then got somemore and gave them to me, saying she knows I like them!!!!, this seems quite trivial to you guys, but was a big gesture to me and a big turnaround!!
She was asking about my meeting and asked me to call her when it was over, I agreed and she left waving.
As I walked over to another parent, a mother, who knows what's going on between us, and is a good friend to us both, she asked me with a smile on her face what was going on between me and my wife? I said nothing why, she said that she hadn't seen us like that for over a year, and thought we were back together!!!!, I just said that we were getting on great and I was hopeful, but not getting carried away!!
I went home, got changed and went to my meeting, it was great, I just sat and listened and related to everyones story, I had bits of everyone elses issues in me and could really understand a lot of my issues.
I came away and rang my wife, she was full of questions again, what was said , did I say anything, how did I feel, etc. We spoke as I drove, and she asked me was I coming over the house, I asked did she want me to, she said there was no real reason, so I just said I speak to the kids. My son came on the phone telling about football, etc, then asked was I coming over, not sure if she had told him I was??, when I asked did he want me to, he said yes he wanted a cuddle, so I told him to tell his mum I was coming over to give him the cuddle he wanted, I did'nt want to seem pushy.
I got there and both kids ran to the door and were cuddling me and kissing me, they only saw me the night before!!!, I was laughing with them, my wife was busy doing things in the house, she was coming to talk for a while then left us to it.
I was there about 20minutes, the kids were telling me they loved me etc, as I was about to leave my wifes phone rang, and she said she had to take it, I said fine, speak to you tommorrow, kissed the kids and left.
I live about 10mins away, as I got home I heard the phone ringing, but it stopped by the time I got in, I knew exactly who it was, as only she has my home number!!!
I didn't call her back and just continued to make something to eat, 5mins later it rang again, I answered and she was full of apologies for the phone call she took when I was there, tellin me it was her aunt and she had to take it, I was totally fine about it, told her not to worry and forget it. She said that out daughter had told her off for going on the phone when I was there and she should have been talking to me!!!, we both laughed, she said that our daughter would now swap her for me anyday of the week and laughed about it.
I told her that I am so grateful for having my kids back, I had lost them through my own actions, my daughter hated me, didn't want to be next to me, and it was all through drink and my moods in drink, and that I can see how upset I had made her and my son, and that I would never do that again.
My wife then said right out the blue, that she was still hurt by the things I had done, that she still had strong memories of things I had done and the hurt I had caused.
I told her I know exactly what I have done, I know exactly the hurt I had caused and that I was so sorry, and that I promise to never drink or hurt her again.
I said she was right to leave me, that I was somebody else during that 5-6 year period, that I was embarrassed by the things I had done, and know the hurt I had caused.
I said I didn't think, as there was so much hurt, that we had a future together, but promised I would always love her, and never do anything to hurt her again.
She said that I didn't know how much she loved me, and again mentioned the AA meetings she attended to try and get help for me. I thanked her for everything she did, and again told her that I was sorry, and that I promise never to drink or hurt her again, I told her she was the love of my life, we had loved each other from being 16, and that I missed my best friend, but loved the fact we could talk on the phone and that I could her her laugh.
This was really powerful, emotional stuff, our daughter was messing about in the background, so I just told her to go and sort things out with the kids, and that I would speak to her the following day.
This was a serious 1hour long conversation about the past, the hurt, her feelings, she never got angry, but she is hurting still. I get the feeling she wants us all back together, but is scared, scared of me slipping into my old ways, and scared of being hurt and the kids being hurt again.
I just have to maintain these changes in my life, my thinking and my emotions.
I am a happy person now, not the tired, moody, miserable, drink dependant person I was.
So what do I do now?
Do I back off again, and give her space? Or do I pursue and try and heal her wounds??
All very confusing, so for now I shut up and do nothing!!!!
