Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[AntoniaB]

Thanks B. and B. Really helpful comments from both of you that I need to hear.

I had a naturopath appt. today; I haven't seen her in a year and so we spent nearly 2 hours going over everything. Here are some things she observed in case they help others. This will be long, but I figure giving you a lot of specifics might help if you're working through any issues I am:

1. The lack of being able to detach from the ex even after the divorce is all a part of still being co-dependent (and the ex's reaching back in bits and pieces reflects that this is still an issue for them). I think we often rationalize that it's a good thing because we see it as evidence of this lovely unbreakable connection between us, almost like we are revering this bond and putting it on a pedestal. BUT. When the thing that makes either of us reach out is because of NEED--as in, we MISS the person/their insights/their way of helping us when things are tough, we are actually still not able to stand on our own. We're still co-dependent, from afar. We reach out with expectations of any sort, even if the expectation is simply acknowledgement, then it's still codependence. She said not to romanticize this but to sort of see it as a problem that must be overcome to be our own people able to "exist" without the other.

2. When we say that we can't be in another relationship ever again/don't see ourselves in any other relationship romantically, we are also romanticizing/idealizing what we had in the marriage to such a degree that we are willingly closing ourselves off from links to other people (this would also be true if we held back in NON-romantic relationships for fear our trust would be broken). She said this practice, which so often happens to betrayed spouses, makes them suffer needlessly for the actions of their betrayer. She said that it also is at odds with all the things we do to GAL. Like, if we take all these steps to become new people with new lives, but then we hold back in our personal relationships, romantic or not, based on "trust" issues or fears that whatever we have with some person will "never measure up" to what we had in our marriages, then we are defying the principles of GALing and we are contradicting our own progress AND idealizing our pasts so much that we put them on a shelf and say, "that's it. I had that in my life. I'll never have it again and no WAY will I have better." She said the reverse is true, that likely we WILL have better relationships if we get rid of that idealization.

3. She said it is extremely important to not identify ourselves by this wound forever. As in, it is natural to gravitate to people when we're in the process of healing who have either gone through this or something similar, or people who we sense can help us through the process (I told her I just became friends with an older woman who initially reached out to me when her daughter, my girlfriend, told her I was going through a divorce. We have the divorce "in common" and seem to have an instant "bond" through that, although we also have other shared interests). She said it is important to start to seek out new connections with people NOT because they identify with our trauma but because they are just people with shared interests. As in, don't "become" your wound. Don't let it define you. Don't assume that you "are" your wound first and foremost. Yes, it was a part of your life that deeply changed you, but you're also YOU and there is a whole other you separate from it, and THAT is the person you eventually want out there making new friends and sharing with others.

4. Nourish, nourish, nourish. She said that every act that we make that is for ourselves and ourselves alone is part of this. So....you take the time to make yourself a lovely meal and enjoy it, that's nourishment, literally/figuratively. You take a walk through the woods alone, nourishment. You have a party and invite your friends and laugh, nourishment. Any act you make that is meant for you and NOT for your marriage/in memory of your marriage/with your ex or stbx in mind is part of self-care. EVERY act of self-care, she said, is a step away from co-dependence on another. The more you see that taking care of your own needs and yourself is entirely possible, the more you see that you do not need the ex in your life to be ok.

I think this is just another way of talking about GALing, but it helped me to see it from a different point of view. Like, I do a million things that fit this concept already and did them without thinking or with attaching negative thinking to them. I thought of them as "survival" techniques. As in, I mow my lawn, I take care of my yard, well, that's "survival" because I was "left" to "fend for myself." So I do the things AND THINK OF HIM WHEN I DO THEM. Or, I avoid making dinner as it reminds me that I am alone, so I don't eat well at all. If I do make dinner, I am conscious of the fact that I've just made dinner "for one", and I feel let down, because this is not what I want.

Well, she's saying look at it the opposite way. You mow your lawn because it is an act of removing the co-dependence from your life. It is an act of self-care. You make your dinner because you are CARING for yourself. In a way, you're saying "there is no one as important as me right now who needs to eat this meal. That's WHY I'm eating it alone."

5. The root of human suffering comes from one thing: being angry or sad or disappointed that things did not play out the way you wanted or planned. If you had PLANNED to be divorced or separated, you'd be thrilled with your life, right? But you didn't. In fact, this is probably one of the biggest things you feared would ever happen. You will cease to suffer if you can just stop being angry for things not going your way. Suffering is like a temper tantrum that never ends. And to go with what Beatrice mentioned about the inner child, it's like we're giving all the power to the inner child instead of the self-realized adult. We have to quiet the inner child.

I hope this has helped. I think my naturopath is very wise and she told me that she feels priveleged to watch all these transformations in my life, and says that as hard as this process is for all of us, that our ability to really look deeply and learn from it is a gift we should treasure. It makes us more passionate people who live more fully as a result.