Totally confused

[Telemark]

Alone, I read a post on this board that talked about the mind of a WAS and the mind of a LBS. Paraphrasing here...

We (the LBS's) are pretty firm in our decision to stand for our marriages. Sure, we all have days (and nights) like you've described above, where we want to just give up and move on. But for the most part, we hang in there for months, even years, because we believe in our marriages, in our spouses and in our commitments to God and to each other.

Our WAS's are constantly second-guessing their actions and decisions...do I stay? Do I go? Am I doing the right thing? What will this do to our kids; to our families; to our friends? Where will I live? Will my S want me back if I decide to come back?

I have been both; 12 years ago I was a WAS. It was hell. I still have regrets and baggage from that part of my life that I may never be able to completely let go of. As much as being the LBS hurts, I'd rather be that than what I was 12 years ago.

When we are able to think about our own well-being and look toward the future for ourselves, then we are able to take back some of the power our S's have stolen from us.

[alone]

Thanks Telemark,

I appreciate the look into the mind of a WAS. I know from the talks with him the confusion that he has. I also realize that most WAS do regret what they did to their families. I try to be understanding and help him in any way that he will let me. I am glad that we are still talking and doing things together and that the time together is good.

I am slowly taking steps forward for myself, I need to take my time and make sure that I do not rush into any decisions that would close the door.

I hope that you are holding your head up during this time in your life. Sorry that you have to be going through this again.

[alone]

Yesterday was a good day for me. My mood was up and I had a productive day. Sleeping last night was not so good like most nights.

While husband was at the house on Sunday he commented on waterfall what a great job we did. He also went around with me and talked about bushes that should be removed and which ones we really need to cut back because they are overgrown. While he is here later today he is going to help do a few things in the yard. He has not helped here in about 2 months. I do not know if this is a good sign or not.

I do not expect much interaction tonight between the 2 of us. I am looking forward to our dinner and talk, but at the same time a little nervous.

[alone]

When husband came over last night we fixed gravel path and worked on pump for waterfall so we have more water output. He said that we need to get a truck load of gravel to add to the path. On the waterfall he commented that now if we have to replace the pump in the future he knows what to do. I thanked him for his help and he said that it felt good to do stuff around the house and wanted to know if there is anything else he can do tomorrow.

Also he asked if I would get a battery for his garage door opener if I was out today. He has asked me nor let me do anything for him since he left. Don't know what all of this means.

I guess tonight when we talk I will get more insight into what his thoughts are.

[alone]

Tonight husband came over and we talked, he is going to come home tomorrow to work on our marriage. He said that he talked with his counselor and that it is the right time to take this step and that he feels it is the right thing to do.

I know that we have a lot of work to do and to make sure that we do not fall back into the same old habits. Also I am worried about the mid life monster taking over him again that he wants out. I guess it is one day at a time.

Need to read MR book again and make sure that I work on this correctly and keep doing what I am doing for myself. This is a scary step as I feel hope for the marriage but at the same time I don't want to get hurt again.

[alone]

Husband has been home since Thursday evening. We have not had much chance to talk since we have had company, niece starting college in Wyoming we dropped her off yesterday and sister in law is still here. Husband has been very helpful and nice. But what I don't understand is after 30 years how I now seem to have cooties. It hurts to know that if I was the OW he would be in the same bed with her and hold and kiss her. I am not even thinking about having sex with him, I just want to hold hands and be held.

What is the thinking of these men when the come back home? Will this change? Is our marriage really that far gone that he can't hold me? I just want to give up at times. I just want to feel loved.

[~¤DG¤~]

I think it is great that you have the opportunity to work on your M.
Just take things one day at a time. I think counseling is a must for you as well.

I wish the very best for you.

[alone]

Visiting kids and grandchildren in California. Wish that I could just forget about everything and be the fun loving person that I used to be. I do have fun and enjoy being with the family, but then at times I get sad and let my emotions of what has happened get a hold of me. Felt really depressed yesterday, found out the husband has a trip to Vegas in October for work. I do not trust him to be there by himself. I did check and there is a meeting there then. It is amazing to me that all of the years of my love and trust in him and can be wiped away in just a short few months. How do you ever trust in them again. He is in Chicago now for work and did not have a problem with that. I guess since Vegas is closer to San Diego where OW is that I feel that she may be going there. Even if he told me that she was not going to be there, I do not know if I would believe him.

How will I ever trust in him again? The circumstances that have happened have me questioning everything. I know that I need to take one day at a time and that we have made progress. I should be happy with that but happiness seems so faraway at this time.

[alone]

Got home last night had a good time with family. Husband is supposed to be home Friday from Chicago. He was thinking of going hunting this weekend with Brent. I was hoping that he was not going to go since we have not been alone since he moved back home. He had made comments about he did not know if he should go or not. Today he called and asked me if it was ok if he went this weekend. Told him that I know that he really wanted to get an Elk this year and that I also would like to have him home. But I will clean out the freezer this weekend so we have room for the meat. He said that he would see if he can get a flight out tonight or earlier tomorrow. Said that would be great. I let him know that I will not be home until 1:30 - 2:00 tomorrow going hiking then to lunch with a friend.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and have made a list of the small steps that we have been making.

1. Husband moved back in.
2. Husband talking about future events with me.
3. Talking about things that need to be done around house.
4. Him going to individual counseling.
5. Calls me everyday while we have been apart since moving home.
6. Asks me if I mind if he goes hunting.

I know that these are little things but they are things that 3 weeks ago would not have been happening. I have to just always keep in mind little steps in the right direction are better then no steps.

I still long for the intimacy that is missing and I hope that it will follow soon. For now I will take the little things and not expect overnight miracles.

[alone]

Talked to H he is not going hunting this weekend. He will be home until the 8th. I am so afraid. Have I been to hurt to make this work? Am I just trying to protect myself? I am tired of hurting so much and him coming home and sleeping in a separate room is going to hurt. I just want to be loved by my husband and at the same time I am afraid that it may be to late. I feel like running away.