Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[In_Shock]

LC4 - I'm scared to set those boundaries. I mean - how? We sit in the living room together at night. It's really pretty much the only time i get to see her anymore. I don't want to make her leave.... but I also eat myself alive having to watch this. I see this little smile on her face and I imagine what they are saying. Sickening.

I am afraid if I tell her it's disrespectful she may intepret it as controlling - maybe use it as an excuse to move out - or ????? I guess instead of 'as iffing' right now I'm "what iffing..." LOL.

Thanks Virginia for removing me from moderation.

[Julz]

I felt exactly how you feel now in the first few weeks. Even know I find myself crying at the drop of a hat - but those moments are now fewer and far between (I am 3 months in).

[In_Shock]

open wound. She just got home and headed straight for the shower. I'm trying to remind myself ---- DO NOT PURSUE DO NOT FOLLOW DO NOT DO R TALK BE LIGHT AND FUN!!!!!!!!

Wish me luck. The way the night usually progresses from her is she will sit on the other couch and text OP for the next 2 -2 1/2 hours. I will do something in the other room for a change. At least I won't have to see it in my face and I can look busy too. Nonchalant! wish me luck!

[Luckyclover]

Oh Mary! : ((BIG HUGS))

Your sitch sounds so similar to mine. It sucksucksucks sitting in the same room as them and watching them texting the OP while we sit on the couch and fight the urge to ask them to come watch the movie and cuddle.

I know in my sitch I've talked about how H texting what I perceive as an OW makes me feel badly. He blinks, confused.. frustrated... then angry. Then the comments begin, like "What, am I not allowed to have friends?" or "You need to make some new friends, I have." or "I am sorry that this is hurting you to see... I'll just go over to her house again." or... etc, etc...

Sigh. I've learned not to open that can of worms. He's going to talk to her come hell or high water.. and am I going to stop him? No, I just drive him further away when I bring it up.

And I totally get what you mean about "how can someone she's known for 2 weeks usurp my position?".... I asked my H, point blank, a similar question. I'm known him for 16 years, 14 of them together... I have been through so much for him, done so much for him, held his head when he cried, picked him up when he was broken... for 14 years... and this new friend you've made and known for 2 months means just as much to you? He answered me with a yes.

Dear goodness.... welcome to the crazy train. They say don't believe 100% of what they tell you and 50% of what you see. It's hard when them seem so convinced tho'.

Lol... don't suppose you live anywhere in Canada, do you? I'd love to bring my kids (S5 and D4) over for a playdate with your little one.

You're doing the right thing, I think. The texting is going to continue whether you're in the room or not... so remove yourself from it and GAL in another room.... whatever you can find the emotional energy to do. Take a bath, read a book, run on a treadmill, learn guitar... just get away from the EA. Put yourself first... even in small ways, if that's all you can do at this stage (I'm still learning how to do this, all over again.... it's funny how we forget)... your son needs a stable center spoke in his turning bicycle wheel world.

I'm riding the same crazy train you are... so similar. It stinks... and this is my second time on the train. Only way to survive is to open the cage door and let the WAS out on the journey that they are intent on taking without you.

Fingers crossed.

[In_Shock]

((((((lucky))))))) right back at ya! Girl, it's gonna be a rollercoaster and we gotta have each others' backs. Wish I DID live in Canada. (I'm in the US midwest) I think we could have a great time with a playdate for the lil guys.

I knew u and I had some similarities. OMG isn't the txting the most disrespectful thing you've ever seen??? HEARTWRENCHING is the word. Since I snooped in her texts (bad bad mistake for my emotional wellbeing) and know that they are exchanging pet names and ILY after a few weeks, I've been a wreck.

She and I have been through so much together also. We've gone through so much like you and H, and I have consistently tried to do what I could to make her happy. I heard someone else on this board say that it seems like those of us who gave and gave did not receive in the measure. Maybe when we detach...?

Wish I could meet someone and forget my spouse of 13 years in a few short weeks- and be just fine with moving on.....Text ILY's and call them things like 'my beautiful whoever.."(sarcasm alert)

Same as your H - my SO gets so defensive "it's just a friend. I'm enjoying having a friend." BS. I know she says we are 'broken up' as of 6-18, but we live together, take care of our sweet little guy, so it's totally inappropriate IMHO. She even ignores him --- she is physically present, but in no way here for us at all. Am I right or am I a neurotic controlling b like she thinks??

Pair that with "I don't know where this relationship is going" (with the OP) and my emotions are all over the place. I can't believe a few months ago we sat in the livig room at night watching movies, reading, doing puzzles, etc... and you know....talking to EACH OTHER>

[In_Shock]

for some reason she's changed her mo tonight from texting to messaging in facebook. Not any easier to deal with. Maybe worse because the messages seem to be longer --- so my mind is reeling with ---- what? WHY? more serious discussions?

Again, I can't believe I have ever let anyone have this much control of my emotions. It is pure insanity.
All i want is to get ahold of myself. I can't seem to do that.

She is brushing me off when I try to do as my DB coach suggested and distract her from the online/text discussion. She kept looking annoyed like why would I have the nerve to try to talk to her when she' obviously so busy

I said, "I'm sorry, are u having a serious convo?" She said :"Yes"
Me:"Is everything ok?"
Her: "Yes, it's fine."
She can't even be bothered to look up at me when she's typing. Heaven forbid.

My stomach is in knots. I just come her to write because I know you guys know how i feel == how can I cope? Anyone have any magic COPING SKILLS for DBers????

[Luckyclover]

She's not the same spouse right now. My H wasn't (and now isn't) either... altho' we don't want to (I reallyreallyreally don't want to) we have to detach and move on.. with or without them. They're sinking and they'll take us down with them if we don't let go.

It's time to take a journey of our own. I let my H know the last time that I'm going to walk down the road and he's more then welcome to run up and catch up with me, if he wants to.

Gotta become strong beautiful people... the kind of strong, beautiful, kind, loving people that only a fool would leave. And maybe one day after our WAS have seen their path through to the bitter end and have seen that the grass isn't so green.. maybe they'll look at the prize they left behind. Maybe they'll be willing to do the work to get it back.

I know that's a lot of maybe's... but what's the alternative. Stay miserable?

[Luckyclover]

"She can't even be bothered to look up at me when she's typing. Heaven forbid. "

Oh my gosh... Me too... I know. H says he's going to spend part of the evening with me and watch a movie with me (before he goes back to her house to spend the night) because he really wants us to stay friends (I want that too and I'm really trying...) but he's not really "here"... he's on the computer while the movie plays and I sit on the couch, typing away. (Then the night will end with him getting up to leave and saying "K, isn't doing too well tonight. I've got to go help her out before she hurts herself."

I hate the overwhelming feelings of jealously that well up in me. What an ugly feeling.. I'm not this person.. this ugly, jealous, paranoid person. I really hate what I've become and I know it's super unattractive.

Coping mechanisms... I find other things to busy myself and my hands with while he texts/talks to OW. I keep my mind as busy with other things as I can and I try not to engage him or ask him any questions about what they're talking about. I try and turn myself off... like a light switch. Go dark.

Of course... I fail all the time and my emotions end up prompting me to open my big mouth and say something about what he's doing. Everytime I do, I make it worse.

[In_Shock]

I keep hoping this infatuation will blow over, but it seems to be intensifying.... she is sharing her childhood traumas with the OP right now. It came out that she is sharing some very intimate details of her life... OMG that is so painful. I think I will just go to bed.

I tried to stay out of the room as much as i could. Didn't last long enough and now this is MUCH worse. Will I make it? I am detaching as much as possible. Being as unintrusive as possible. Talking as little as possible except for upbeat convo. But nights are now hell. How long can I do this? Patience. Patience. But my insides are dying. I feel almost as if I'm already dead, waiting for someone to put the dirt on me.

I know I repeat the same things a lot but I think a lot of us do, and it helps....so....i cannot believe this person who I've loved and shared a life with for so long would so calously disregard my feelings in every possible way.

Does she really hurt while she's talking to the OP?? She HAS to know how this makes me feel. Do the WAS have any f ing feelings at all for us?????????? (vent over) Goodnight!!!

[In_Shock]

Yes, and if i'm not mistaken your H won't admit things with K either? Right? Do they sell some sort of a "Easy Quick Ways to Emotionally Devastate Your Spouse"? that your H and my SO got ahold of??? Sure seems that way

Yes, those d*** emotions get me every time. I want to be playful, fun, someone she enjoys being around and won't want to leave forever....but I am not superwoman. Watching this is some sort of torture --- the crazy train is worse than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams and I never thought I'd be here.