I just can't be sure it didn't exist before the D. Not that it really matters. Anyway, the refi is done so I can start house shopping. I am starting to hate this house. I just want out. If it wasn't for my youngest D I'd move to my dad's out of state but that is not a possibility, so instead the long slow torturous recovery process instead. I should be a warrior princess by the time this is done with my own set of brass balls!
I got a divorce recovery book today. Some of what I've read made me realize I can do this the hard way or the easy way. So I've decided since eventually I'm going to be over this I should probably just start acting like I would when that happens. Basically I buried the hatchet with the ex. I told him that I won't be nasty about him having someone over because he is going to start seeing someone eventually anyway. Besides My D has already met her and likes her. Also I brought up the subject of the holidays. We will try having Thanksgiving together(just the meal not the whole Macy's Day parade experience) and Christmas morning presents opening. Does anyone else do this. My dad doesn't think it is a good idea.
We have had separate Thanksgivings for the past two years and plan to for the third year. XW always has her mom and sister over for Thanksgiving and since I'm no longer related to them I see no reason to spend time with them. I took my daughters to my aunt's house two years ago. This year is my year and I'm taking them to my cousin's house in Wisconsin.
We've even talked about renting a hotel room and enjoying a meal at the hotel and swimming.
Christmas. So far I have gone to the old house both of the last two years in the morning. I want the girls to be able to enjoy waking up in their house and opening presents.
The house is for sale though and if she sells and moves to a new place I don't plan on continuing because the link will be gone. At that point, my house will be more of a home to them than any new place she buys.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
The problem is that neither of us have any family nearby except my grandma and she lives in a nursing home. So going to relatives is out. I want my D to have good memories of the holidays which my 21 year old son says he doesn't really have. I divorced his dad when he was 2.
Just emailed a huge list of houses I want to look at to my realtor. One of them is a huge house with an inlaw apartment. I have a friend who currently hates her living situation but her and her husband can't afford anything better at this time. They have two cute little girls, one who is the same age as my youngest. We've joked about me getting a two family house so her and her family could rent half. I don't know if that would be crazy or not.
I have a question. I want to move on really, I hate feeling the way I do sometimes. But I worry that I will and a year or two from now my exh will want to try again but I will have moved on. Is it possible to move forward and yet keep a door open? If so how do you do that? Or do you just forget about trying to do that and just worry about healing and let the chips fall where they may?
You can't live your life hoping that he will want to try again. The relationships that I know of on here that worked out were where the LBS truly moved on. One guy was even selling his house and going to move to a new state. He had dropped the rope and was building a life for himself. The divorce wasn't finalized yet. Just a few days before they were to go to court to finalize the divorce, she wanted to stop the process and see if they could work things out.
So few of us are at that point before the divorce becomes final. We are doing everything that we can think of to bring them back. The key though seems to just let them go. Work on you and building a new life. If they then express a desire to come back, well you can decide then. But don't start this as a facade, it has to be genuine.
Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
If you read the Michelle Wiener Davis stuff, you'll see that studies show that within five years 75 percent of the walk away spouses wished they'd just stuck it out. The finances are hard. They are lonely -- the great fun-filled life they imagined they'd have didn't materialize.
I also read a book "I Do Again" written by this couple in Texas. They had a seemingly perfect life. Twin girls. Big house. Successful careers. Yet, the wife wasn't happy and felt guilty and started an emotional affair that became a physical affair. She blindsided the husband by asking for and pushing through a divorce.
Two years later she realized she didn't love the affair partner and wanted her husband back. He was having none of it for a long time, but finally the two reconciled after he was in a serious car accident and they remarried five years after the D.
I carry those stories around in my head now and when I'm lonely I can't shake them. I have this feeling that "she'll be back."
Sometimes, if nothing is happening that gives me peace. But that's dangerous because I'll get a text or an email showing how little feeling she has left for me and it'll send me into a downward spiral. I worry that I'll be on my deathbed waiting for her to admit she was wrong.
Lots of people on here indicate that they are DONE with their exes. That they would never take them back. I don't know if I'll ever be DONE. Deep down, I don't think I'm done with any of the five significant relationships I've had. I have feelings for all of them.
Still, each day I try to move on. I'm closing no doors in my life -- other than being open to career changes that would move me away from my daughters. I won't do that.
If someone great walks into my life, I'm going to go for it. Some say you have to wait a while -- at least a year seems to be the popular theory. That seems silly. Life can change, improve, every day. I'm not going to put a time line on healing. You are either better or working towards it.
So two years from now, you may be in the middle of a very happy relationship when the ex- shows up. Or you may be free and open to trying again. Who knows. Just don't wait around hoping for that to happen.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I am working on a new life. I'm looking at houses and just got a lead for a new job. I spend time with friends when possible and take care of my health and my girls. I am trying to be at least friends with my exh though I also don't know how realistic that is either. He had faults, like never talking to me about anthing,but until he said he wanted out I thought we had an okay marriage. Boring but that I thought was normal after 20 years together. He never said he was unhappy. I complained a lot however and he got the brunt of it. I just wish he had said something so maybe I would have taken a look at myself and changed things earlier. Now I realize the only person who can make me happy is me. I remind myself of that regularly. I guess I should just put it in God's hand. If I'm meant to be with someone else that will happen. If I'm not meant to be with someone at all that is what will be. I don't want to trick him into coming back though. If it were to happen I would want it to be because any changes I decide to make made me an attractive person to him again. At the same time I need to decide what I want in myself and any possible future relationship with anyone else. I don't want to be waiting for him but I don't necessarily want to close that as a door of possibilities. I was just wondering if I should in order to be able to move on in my life. I felt like I would be completely done with him once the D was final but I guess I still love the man and at some level always will.
