Do what I can but still have questions 4

[25yearsmlc]

Forgiving my h was the biggest challenge for me in piecing. I knew I wanted to but had not seen it as a child and this was the first time I had been so deeply wronged for so long and in more than one way. Plus the kids were wounded.

You say you have "completely" forgiven your h and IF that is true so fast

I'd be impressed-- but mostly I'd be skeptical. You might be over simplifying forgiveness, which means letting go of the past. If you do that you won't be nearly so depressed as you are now.

IMO, You won't know you have forgiven him til you have been back together awhile-- and not tossed it i his face or held back from him or protectively acted or held it over his head, etc. That just takes work and time and grace. I had no role models.

also you both sound as if you are in major depressions so for me that means forgiveness hasn't fully occurred in either of you--and part of your work will also be to forgive yourself. Harder than it sounds.

The part of piecing and knowing if I wanted h back wasn't merely b/c of who I was or who he was

but my knowing whether h was going to bolt again or act unstable or if he'd be the rock he had always been for me, which I want and need. I didn't know if I trusted his new self being the old self...meaning had the MLCer in him really gone? That's not an easy question to answer b/c they don't see all their actions as having been "wrong" at all. They often feel they did what they "needed" to do and are sorry IF we got hurt...

h was better than that, eventually. I wasn't interested in half measures mainly b/c they do not work! Not punitive or vindictive or me making him pay at all. Just not going to do it half way...all or nothing once piecing is chosen. For ME/MY sitch.

Don't sell yourself short. Or assume you know what you will need a year from now.

Except you need tools for communicating and conflict resolution in a healthier way. You both do.

Retrovaille is like a workshop for married couples who are in crisis but it's not something where you each have to get up in front of people and share or "grieve" or disclose.

You'll hear from other couples who worked through things that will usually make your problems pale in comparison (like losing a child to drugs, then having an affair that results in an unplanned child, etc) and yet these couples are together- there - sharing with you, as success stories...you cannot help but be hopeful after hearing them.

You'll get tools for future discussions with your spouse and a follow up program I hope you'll make time for. There's a sliding scale fee that covers costs. Though it was started by the Catholic Church in Quebec, you do not have to be Catholic (my h isn't) and there was no church doctrine taught or even mentioned that I can think of. They don't preach but they do talk about a relationship w/ "God" , so if you are atheists you might be uncomfortable. There were couples there with only one partner wanting the m to work. They'll interview each spouse privately (on the phone) to make sure they know the scoop and that no 3rd parties are still involved. If your h says he'll go do not discuss it with him beyond bare facts til you get there.

As simple as it sounds and is, h and I were pleasantly surprised at how effective it was. We have been to other marriage retreats and personal growth workshops and this was among the best.

Hope this helps.