Still no call back from w. I know this is the first week of school for her. She's usually crazy busy for the 1st 3 wks or so. So you know the most likely reasons for her not calling yet. Plus, she may feel fear of conflict the way you fear it (instead of assuming your fears mean she abuses you, accept the possibility that it's simply fear of confrontation or fear of facing a tough tough topic...
I worked with criminally abusive defendants (didn't ask for those cases but once you have a case that goes to appeals and you win, you tend to "attract" more of them. Make sense?) Anyhow, that's why I have a strong reaction to the word "abuse" when you are mainly referring to controlling manipulative behaviors and frankly you describe some of your own...with her. The jealousy of her time could be seen (wrongly I think) as you sabotaging her career. Just an example.
Understood 25, but we can agree to disagree on this. I don't disagree with you in regards to it being controlling, manipulative behaviors. I understand and have compassion for her sh!tty childhood and controlling me due to fear. I just also know that it left me not feeling good enough, feeling ugly. Feeling scared of her. I know I wasn't perfect in our marriage either.
Every year we would have our annual fight during the beginning of school. I would miss spending time with her, and we would fight about it. See how she could view this^^^? IT's just insecurity on both sides. And lacking tools for dealing with that and conflict. She certainly had no role model and learned nothing about conflict resolution or dealing with fear and pain from her mom.
Agree completely. I don't think I learned to either.
I remember last year, I was on a shoot in San Francisco, I was coming home early and she was disappointed. She said it had been nice not having me home so she could focus on school. I was hurt that she wasn't excited to see me. IF this were to happen today in a r, do you think you could see this as the opportunity it was? The opportunity for growth and insight b/c she is giving you valuable info here. Rather than focusing on how you felt disappointed she wasn't welcoming you, can you see the value of HER feelings and do you think today, you'd change your approach to her so she wouldn't feel glad when you are gone?
Yes I do. I realized it when we were still together. I grew extremely jealous of her going to OA all the time. But I put my selfishness aside and sure enough she started spending more time with me and less time in OA. However she then told me that she was using me to run away from the stuff she was facing in OA.
I wish I would have been able to express my feelings clearly. Hindsight is 20/20. Either way, I'm sure she will look at this time as a positive to not being married to me anymore.
Sorry - I know I shouldn't think that way. I shouldn't assume I know why she hasn't gotten back to me. you DO know why. She's busy in school AND she probably has the same fears of calling you that you had when you saw her number. Do you see how you are giving yourself plausible reasons for avoidance, but giving her none?
You are right here. I'm not showing her grace at all. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I'm just mad that I'm stupidly waiting for her call back. Every day that goes by, I'm like "really.. you couldn't have just taken 5 minutes to call me back". But I'm reminded how long it took me to send my email, to call her back. It's not about her, It's about controlling me. My reactions, my feelings, learning to be patient, learning to have faith. Val, get a grip. You are making this worse than it is and you are trying hard to make her "wrong". Keep reminding yourself of how long it took you to seen the email and call her back and be fairer to her.
Right again. That's what I meant from that ^^^. That I needed to stop thinking about her, think about me and be patient and have faith that she will get back to me when she's ready.
I'm sitting in so many emotions any more. I try not to think about w, but it's there all the time. Not just our m, but trying to deal with my lack of self-worth and the emotional abuse wounds, her not calling you back is NOT "abuse". Geez Val, it's just not.
I didn't mean to say that was abuse. Only that I'm dealing with how she made me feel worthless (and I let it happen). How everything she does now still makes me feel that way.. whether that's her projecting it, or me perceiving it.
If it is, it's no different than how long you took to call her back. And you struggled with that , (was that "abuse"?)
You almost took a much longer time to call her back. Maybe you waited to call til you thought she wasn't going to answer. Maybe that crossed her mind and she thinks you were playing games, "abusing" her...come on Val....
I know. We both have said multiple times to each other that assumptions kill us.. but I don't know what else to do. It's like a vicious cycle that won't end.
no more victimhood for THIS type of thing. IT's sweating the small stuff and I do mean small. So what if she hasn't called you back? Seriously. No biggie. Put it out of your mind and do not characterize it as anything but her not calling you back yet. [/color]
Right again. I am sweating the small stuff. I just don't know what to do with my feelings about her admitting to purposely avoiding me.
dealing with terminally ill family members, dealing with friendships. All seem to connect to m or w some how. that IS a lot to deal with. But they are not all related except you want support from your w and instead you dealing with a pending divorce. The timing stinks.
Right. Yes it does. Urgh. So tough. I know it's good stuff.. I am just expressing my inner 5 year old right now.
very good to recognize this. And not act on it. That's key b/c we all have the little kid in us who wants to get taken care of when we are sick
even if we don't eat Chicken & Stars soup anymore.
I notice my 14 y/o has emotional clarity with this that I wish we never lost as adults. When she is sick or a bit down, She lays down next to me and asks for hot chocolate even in 90'F weather just so she knows she's got me there caring.
We all want this. The measure of progress we've made as well adjusted adults is how we cope with not getting it.
Life shows us often, that we sometimes can't have it. Our parents are gone or they never were the type to give us what we needed (like your w's mother had some big deficits as a mother. I wonder if your w ever got what she needed from her mom. No wonder she was overweight.
I wonder if your w now needs to explore her sexual orientation to make sure that her weight gain/loss isn't a factor there. Her mother probably projected that belief onto her big time, and now your w wonders if there was some validity to it. I get that.
I don't know 25. That would make sense to me. Thanks for pushing me to stop thinking about me. I needed it.
Still think I'm making that awesome progress?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
