I'm still here

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling---

I'm feeling down tonight. Texted with H a little bit, of course I initiated because he won't. I want to know what it is we should do about our M since every time I ask he ignores me.
He says he ignores me because it hurts to talk to me. That he can't do this anymore, and he can't give me what I want or need.

I don't understand how the last time I saw him was when he left my C office and said he would see me soon. Then...nothing. I don't understand what happened! No argument or disagreement or anything. He just...stopped talking to me.
I told him if it's over for him to tell me so I don't hold out hope anymore. He said quit holding out hope. So I ask him, so you want to D then? And he doesn't answer.

He still is very much acting like a victim. He said he gave me everything he had and it wasn't good enough for me and now that he's gone suddenly it's good enough? He said if he were still here I never would have went through this transformation for me. I validated his feelings and was honest. I probably wouldn't have tried as hard as I had if he were here.

I asked him to consider marriage counseling. I doubt he will.

I am so close to throwing in the towel. Why am I doing this to myself? I kept telling myself that he isn't worth my tears.....he isn't worth my tears...yet I'm crying them anyway.

Once again, I know he did the right thing by leaving the woman that I was, but he is making a big mistake if he stays away forever.
I know it would take a lot of work and a lot of faith, but we could get through this. We could. If he wanted to. I can't make him want to.

Why can't I let go????