Well, I know you're all going to be so surprised but H dropped the bomb again on our anniversary. Happy Anniversary to me. He's such a peach.
Once again it was the "I can't do this anymore", "I can't see myself growing old with you", "I don't want to hurt you and the kids" blah blah blah...
Oh, and apparently it was also because our anniversary was symbol of the passage of time which made him realize that he couldn't do this anymore. Big turn around from his speech about how it's going to take time for us to feel close again from two nights ago.
Another shocker -- after dropping the bomb, we talked and he asked what I needed and wanted in a man. My LIST again? Seriously? I have read so many stitches on this board and I have never read one that comes close to mine. If anyone has, please direct me to it because I need to read it.
So I gave him my list again about needing a strong man, and a man I could trust and a man with emotional maturity and some depth. Along with some other qualities such as supporting me in my career (which H already does), spending time with me, etc.
H responded that my list didn't seem insurmountable. Then gave me his list and told me what he needed, and somehow the conversation got around to would I actually be willing, and could I meet his needs.
He once again mentioned that he didn't feel like I loved him for the past couple years, and that I had looked down upon him and judged him. That he didn't feel good enough. He said he felt like I had become so much more confident in recent years due to my career, and he believed that one day I'd wake up and realize that I could do better and I'd just leave anyway. He said he thought I was with him because I met him during a time period in my life when I had low self-esteem. (True but I can't say my self-esteem is handling these bomb drops all that well).
I'm wondering if he's just trying to put all the blame on me and play the victim or if he truly feels this way?
Anyway, I haven't told him I loved him during all this (and for at least a year) because I didn't want to pursue as this is our dynamic. He said in the past, he felt like he was always the one to say "I love you" so when I mentioned last year that I needed to hear it more, he admitted he was being stubborn by refusing to say it.
He then said, "I do love you, E" and I replied that I loved him too.
He said that it felt good to hear that I loved him.
What the heck is his problem?
And someone please tell me what this man wants because for the life of me I can't figure it out. I have stood by him. Obviously, I love him, and yet he keeps telling me he's leaving.
Round and round we go.
This morning he went for another walk along the river, and then texted me about how he was thinking about everything we had talked about last night, and how I was so much better at processing things than him. He said he wanted to read that "Hold onto your Nuts" book (which I mentioned I had bought for him during our conversation last night.
I was not in a good place and completely emotionally exhausted so I texted back that I was so tired of living in fear and could he please just go already. That he didn't need to worry about me. That I would be fine eventually.
He texted back that it was horrible that we both didn't feel loved and that it must have been awful to live in fear for so long and could we please talk later because he had some responses so my observations.
I haven't responded because I don't know how much more I can take of this back and forth without completely losing it. I feel like I have nothing left to give. But then I think of my kids because so far they have no idea this is happening and even wished us a Happy Anniversary yesterday.
Anyway, lc4, you are such a sweetheart. Thank-you. ((())) Jb, you are the best. ((()))
I don't know what I'd do without this board because I've chosen to spare my friends this drama. Quite frankly, it's also because I'm embarrassed. However, they're starting to realize something is up. One of my good friends texted me today to ask me why I seemed to distant lately, and added that she's worried about me. I told her we would meet up for coffee soon. I'm really dreading talking about this sitch because everyone thinks my life is so perfect.
