Devastated Pt 3 - WAH and OW

[Julz]

I know it's the typical script for a WAS but what if it is true? Not just him rewriting history. Why drag me along with him through life bringing kids into the world and making so many plans together. What if he thought well I've made my bed now I have to lie in it. Then something better comes along and he saw it as his escape. He couldn't leave before because he had a fear of being alone ( he moved from his parents to live with me).

[a girl]

Julz - Don't let his current insanity make you doubt what you guys had. It's not true. It's so typical for a WAS that it's almost a script.

I'm not saying he doesn't have a fear of being alone - I think he does. I'm just saying that he's not being honest, now, about how he felt then.

[Julz]

I know no one - not even him - has the answers - but I just really want to know how someone makes plans for the future - weeks, and then even days before they walk out on someone? What the hell went through his mind?

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Julz]Ahh thanks. Yeah the last year or so I really wanted to show him how much I appreciate him and love him so wanted to give him some gifts that weren't the usual. Valentines Day 2010 he got the massage vouchers, his birthday (July 2010) the personalised plates, then for our wedding anniversary I got some gourmet rocky road and a teddy bear with a great poem delivered to his work. This year for valentines day I cooked a 3 course meal to die for (he agreed it was great!). I thought I was being a loving and good wife. Him leaving really showed me how little he thought of me and how little the things I did for him were appreciated. [/quote

hmm, not true Julz. You have come to know his love language was physical affection and sex whereas Your love languages were acts of service like making him those meals and giving nice gifts I suspect.

what he did by leaving, was wrong and his not seeing the kids much is incomprehensible. But you can't revise things so much that you forget your role in things or you'll fail to learn the lesson here that will protect you in the future.

IF you reconcile, you will need to own that issue and "owning" means not just admitting it but fixing it...and

if you are with some OM someday, you will need to work on that anyhow...

Hope this makes sense. It's not a 2 x 4. Just a reminder of how you got here. It wasn't all him.

Today HE is responsible for his actions, and you are for yours.

The past...you both own.

[25yearsmlc]

I know no one - not even him - has the answers - but I just really want to know how someone makes plans for the future - weeks, and then even days before they walk out on someone? What the hell went through his mind?

my biggest regret when I look back at the years of MLC and piecing, was how much time I spent thinking and obsessing about H and what HE was thinking/doing/feeling, or HAD BEEN thinking/feeling/doing and was planning/worrying/wondering/pondering...

INSTEAD I COULD HAVE BEEN GAL THAT MUCH SOONER...which is what made Me happier faster

and if anything I did woke my h up, it was ME GAL and moving forward.

Julz, you have not had a lot of time to process this. But when you get sick & tired of feeling sick and tired

you'll want to "do anything" you can to feel better. And that's when you will, I hope, choose to GAL and move forward.

Moving forward does not equal giving up.

But you are spinning your wheels too much and it's very unhelpful. Keeps you stuck in your pain and not getting anywhere anyhow.

Back to basics...what GAL can you do today, to create some peace or happiness in your life?

[westcoastfella]

I'm with you on this, Julz. Over the past couple of months, I have been torn when thinking about what my W has said to justify her leaving. "I know that I shouldn't believe what she's saying given what I've read about 're-writing the marital history,'" I've thought, "but then again...what if it's true?" There may indeed be kernels of truth in what they say, especially if they are things that were acknowledged as problems before.

Two ways I have learned to deal with this:

1. From what I understand, you really can't trust anything a WAS says. Maybe it's true, and maybe it's not. It's possible that THEY don't even know their own truth. So I would take ANYTHING your H says with a healthy handful of salt. Even if what he is saying has some degree of truth, it still NEVER justifies an affair. That choice is on him, not you. There are much healthier and more selfless ways of fixing marital problems, and an affair is not one of them.

2. I guess this is the purpose of detaching from the other person. A lot of us one-downs spend so much time believing that our S's view of us must be the absolute truth that we lose a lot of ourselves and our own view in the process. In detaching, we will begin to develope our own view of both ourselves and the marital history. Maybe we've made some mistakes as partners, but we don't want to sell ourselves short when we've done a lot of great things, too. Those great things are probably being ignored by our S's as they go along their roads of shame -- thinking about the good things in the marriage might get them to realize that what they're doing is terribly wrong, and that would mess up the whole fantasy they've got going, wouldn't it?

[In_Shock]

good post 25. I needed that one also. I am still reeling after finding for sure about OW on Sunday -- (this is Thursday) but you are so right. GAL instead of wondering where my wayward spouse is.

It is so difficult Julz. I have read your whole sitch and my heart goes out to you. I am sending peaceful thoughts to you. Do anything nice for yourself today. One thing I did differently tonight was made dinner. Usually I've not been eating but I wanted to be doing something different when she comes home (still not here now...) so I cooked and put on Jazz and lit candles throughout the house.

[Julz]

Thanks guys. Just was having a hard time yesterday. Today is better - but I did find the Valentine's day card he gave me this year and shed a tear.

My GAL activity today is the kids school concert - but I have to spend 3 hours sitting with him (assuming he wants to sit with me - he did email to ask if he was meeting us there or at my house (so sad that he's calling our house my house already).

[Julz]

School concert went well. We were crossing the road when we saw H drive in - so we waited for him. We had to bring a chair or blanket and as I still have all our camping chairs I put all four in my car. I asked him if he wanted a chair and he said no, and went back to his car to grab a rug. So we ended up sitting there - me and the kids on chairs and him in front on the rug. Not much chance for conversation. He commented it was cool, surprised it wasn't raining. He bought a sausage on bread each for me the kids (then later I bought one more each for us - asked him if he wanted one but he didn't). Concert finished we went out to the cars (he helped carry the chairs for me), loaded the kids stuff into his car and they were off. He did look tired - but hey it's Friday. Kids will be home Sunday afternoon.

[Julz]

Ahhh Just cleaned up my beside cupboard - found my birthday card from him last year, wedding anniversary card, also valentine's day card from this year. They actually don't make me cry. They are lovely cards that he's lovingly picked out for me, as I lovingly picked his out. It reminds me that we were once deeply in love and planned to spend the rest of our life together. Reminds me of the good days.