You are making this harder than it already is. At least you recognize that your thinking is messed up.
It's called a "grief induced thought disorder" and for that, you need meds and or therapy. I needed both when my dad died. I just wasn't thinking straight and in some ways you aren't now. Are you on ADs now? I say that as someone who was.
Whatever pain he feels is numbed by alcohol. I believe it exists but does that matter? Probably does matter to you at this point. If he won't bother seeing the kids, how can you blame yourself for any of THAT? You can't...if you still do, you have to confront that or put a stop sign in your head to stop those thought processes b/c they are Not accurate and Not helpful.
There will come a time when you realize that only your happiness is within your control and that HIS happiness or misery is irrelevant to your happiness (okay, I admit that HIS misery might make you feel a tad better at this stage of things. But there will be a time when he simply isn't relevant to your life's happiness.
You do know Your h isn't part of that happiness, the way he is now;
and you did what you had to do for your kids and you.
Keep this simple, Life.
B/C as hard as it is, as difficult as this is and as painful as it feels to you
it is not complicated. Your h left you and the children. If this were YOUR fault, he'd have taken the kids and only left you.
You did what you had to do. End of story.
Don't bother calling him b/c you will not get the reaction you hope for. NO matter what he says, you will get off the phone feeling worse.
Unless he says "OMG I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT...WHAT HAVE I DONE?? I NEED HELP!!"
and you know, he can say those things to you without you calling him to check on the papers.
Also, given your h's history there is no way he'll have a "plan of action" for your L to work with. Your h will only react. He doesn't take action if it's difficult. Have your L call.
If your h tries to blame you, so? Granted, I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face though.
Let him tell himself whatever it is that makes him feel better, (beats having another drink, or does it? whatever.)
Sooo How are your GAL activities going?
Let's have some posts from you that focus on YOU and your new life. Let's not focus on your h for now, okay?
How are the kids? School has started. How are they liking it so far?
