"Just wondering, when only the LBS is the one going through self discovery and the marriage ends up repaired, the WAS may never actually figure out what went on? Does a DB'er ever tell the WAS what they went through to save the M? If they don't ever fully appreciate how the LBS felt or how things changed, aren't they more likely to repeat their own mistakes?"
The marriage doesn't get repaired and (my word is "restored" for a marriage that is truly repaired) or restored without the WAS realizing some things. ANd yes they would be more likely to repeat their own mistakes and the LBSer will repeat THEIRS if neither does a lot of growing and work.
So the question is more "how do we do the work needed to repair the M" and in that work is the growth and getting the tools for conflict resolution and whatever other issue they had that lead to the sep, in their arsenal. WIthout those tools, the m won't really be repaired. Sort of a chicken or the egg argument. Does that help?
One would hope that in repairing the M that the story comes out. It should be one of the things that brings you closer together. It is like an old friend that did something to you in the past.. and you finally sit down and discuss it and put it behind you. Agreed--although you will never see the stories identically. I accept that. We have different "lens" through which we see the world and we each have our own points of view. There has to be some common ground on the big stuff and some way of believing there won't be a repeat of the...crap.
But don't forget-- the LBSer usually played a part in the problems and to me, the biggest obstacle to a restored m in which the WAS would like to return, is
1) the LBSer won't let go of their pain and feeling of being wronged; no matter what the WAS does or says; or
2) the WAS does not believe the LBSer will let go of it.
The WAS fears, right or wrong, that the LBSer will throw it in their face during fights or hold it over their head like the sword of Damacles.
What trips people up is that most of the time people just can't let go of something. The "work" in front of you is mind-boggling. This is why being prepared is so important. Where you are.. what you are doing now.. is the easy part by far.
Yes it is. PIECING is when you both say you want to work things out and you start to look at what that is going to mean...
that's where the work that was so hard, was for ME. Hard as it was to get through the first stages of DBing,
what made Piecing so hard for me was the realization that after all the self improvement I had done, I was no longer the same woman I had been and h was a different man.
Took some time to decide IF h was the man I wanted in my life AND then
if he could do the repair work I needed...and as of now, I find that though he and I are in a good place, his r's with our older d is still damaged.
They are working on it and h is doing his best now. But his realization of how hurt she was, by him, was the hardest thing I have seen him experience short of his mother's death.
WE went to Retrovaille and I recommend it for anyone in Piecing, who has had enough time to know what they need to work on. We were in Piecing a year before we went to Retrovaille. Some couples need to attend sooner b/c they may do or say something too damaging at a fragile time in the m.
Bottom line is you both need tools you lacked before. Get them somewhere somehow.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
