I am doing well, having a happy day today. Have any of you ever had blueberry buckle? OMG! I had my first piece today and my world is changed - changed, I tell you
It takes a while but I'm near 11 months of separation and I'm slowly finding my way along the path of my individual journey. I was watching a documentary called Sister Helen about this Benedictine nun who, earlier in life, lost just about everything. She lost her husband and both of her sons. And, although she felt the pain, she etched out a life for herself that mattered to her, that counted and that was important. It was really inspiring. Most of us here have lost a lot, some of us everything that we loved and hoped for. How do you pick up the pieces and find a way to go on? You have to find a way to care enough about yourself to move on.
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Anyway, updating my sitch:
Denver was right. H has gone a little haywire since the D filing. I filed a motion to have it dismissed at the moment. The catalyst was a talk with my older cousin when we were walking the other day.
She's divorced and she waited three years after separation before filing. I don't think I'll be waiting anywhere near that long, but she just told me that she loved her ex-H enough to give him the time he needed to be able to divorce amicably instead of doing it when she knew he response would be emotionally devastating. So, I guess that's what I'm doing.
H's birthday was yesterday. He's 33 now, but still claiming 27. I honestly don't know any other men who do this. Women, yes, but no men. He invited me out to dinner for his b-day and I told him no, thank you. I did spend a half hour with him after work, though, with some co-workers ribbing him and laughing at him, which was good.
All good, right?
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I think your attitude and overall mental health is remarkable. Don't know if I would have the stones to petition to dismiss for the reasons you are doing it.
Didn't you know that 33 is the new 27?
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I think your attitude and overall mental health is remarkable. Don't know if I would have the stones to petition to dismiss for the reasons you are doing it.
Didn't you know that 33 is the new 27?
33 is the new 18! I mean, shoot for the moon, right?
My decision to dismiss wasn't that hard, really. H was devastated. Why cause him that kind of pain when I don't have to? What do I have to lose besides a few hundred dollars?
The fact is, I love him and I want him to have a good life - even if that life is without me. I do have some anger and some bitterness, but those moments are more fleeting than anything else.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I had several long, slow, depressing days. They were not fun. But this is part and parcel of the process, right. Gotta go through the bad to get to the good, that's what I keep telling myself.
I keep battling this fervent desire to go on a crash diet and lose some magical, mythical amount of weight that will make my H and all men find me completely irresistible and fix my world. But...the truth is, I love food too much to do that - and my thin fantasies are just that, fantasies
So, I am continuing to plod along on my healthiness journey and plotting out realistic goals for myself. The truth of the matter is I was already in a marriage where my weight was the sole criteria for my perceived worth and I have to tell you, I don't want to go back there.
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Things with H are status quo. Yep, I still see him every day at work and yep, he still texts me several times a day. Sometimes, I respond, sometimes I don't. It depends on the question. He's also began to compliment me on my appearance and we continue to get along very well, lots of laughing. I always feel like I could be a comedienne when I'm with him. I make him laugh a lot.
But does this make me want to take him back? Nope. I can't forget the dark side of the coin...it's not a pretty picture and not at all what I want for my life or deserve.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
His new girlfriend came into the library. I was sitting with him, getting a signature for a check for the cafe. She came in. His hands started shaking. He got up and stepped away to talk to her. I sat there reeling. Then, I got up and walked away.
He came to my desk with the check. I looked at him and started crying. I have never seen him with another woman, despite the knowledge of the varied "OW". To see him standing there with her, not me, it added a new and greater layer of pain.
It took me several minutes to get myself together. He sat on the end of my desk and dabbed at the tears in the corners of his eyes.
When I could speak, I said: "It's disrespectful to me for her to be coming in here."
H: I didn't know she was coming. I would never do that. I would flaunt that in your face. I wouldn't do that to you.
Me: Regardless, it's very disrespectful for her to come here. This is the place where I work, this is my job. I can't handle that here.
H: I'm sorry.
I sit for another few minutes. Slowly getting myself together.
H: This isn't easy for me. Everybody thinks it's so easy for me and I'm moving on or whatever, but I haven't let go.
Me: It seems like you have. These are your choices.
H: I just can't be with you if I'm going to cheat on you. I just want a thinner woman. I can't be faithful to you at this weight and I don't want to hurt you.
Me: I understand, but it's just disrespectful for her to be here.
And I got up from my desk and went to the restroom until he left.
Now, I am sitting here blinking back tears.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
TG, for whatever reason, I want to kick your H in the shins. Hard!
Quote:
I just can't be with you if I'm going to cheat on you. I just want a thinner woman. I can't be faithful to you at this weight and I don't want to hurt you.
What an f'ing jerk!
Seriously, can I give him a small beatdown for you?
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
The worse part is the feeling that he is right and that I am unacceptable as I am. The worse part is battling the feeling that it really is my fault that he can't be faithful to me because I am unacceptable because of my body.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
