All sorry GreenBlue is all over the place right now. One minute it hurts, one minute I am thrilled, Trying to process all the conflicting emotions.
According to polyamorous literature, what I'm going through is normal for the first couple of times. Especially when you are the one that stayed home. According to those sources it's just part of the jealousy process, and part of letting go for your partners sake.
Now open marriage or not I have a jealousy issue. I did before the marriage hit the rocks, and in previous relationships. I am a jealous (read insecure guy). Don't want to live that way anymore. So maybe I to have been pushing myself through some screwed up therapy. Who knows.
So yeah according to "open" people this is normal, and if the relationship will work should go away if the other partner reassures and makes the one not involved feel loved. Which she has done a good job so far, but these things take time so i see myself needing a little more TLC I imagine we'll go through the same once I start lining up my own dates, but in reverse. I know it'll be harder for her, but fair is fair in an open marriage, and this is the pandora's box that we opened.
So yeah sorry for the post, now I seem to be on a high.
1. Do I want an open marriage? Yes, but I have the jitters. Some will say it really means no, but what I have are feelings of nervousness, supposed to be natural I read, as I face what polyamory folks believe is the inevitable truth that I will never be the "end all, be all" for my wife. Depending on how militant they are some will go as far as to claim that no one person will ever be enough for anybody. ( I know most folks disagree,) not sure of where I stand on that one yet. I also recognized that well I have some unmet needs too. I see some of my single friends, and really envy them sometimes. So I am being pretty open minded on this. I have my fears, but those "should" subside in time if we are doing this right.
2. Do you consider an open m a healthy one? Depends, as my friend says: "as long as everyone involved is having a good time then it's all good". I also found another quote "relationships are hard, open ones are harder." this umm project will probably be the hardest thing we do as a couple. I think ALOT of work is required from the both of us. It also could lead to ALOT of personal work. For myself I want to work on my jealousy, control, and insecurity issues. I think I could learn valuable lessons. She has her own demons, she'll have to work on. She tends to ignore issues until they are in her face. You can't get more in your face than this. As long as we both work hard I think we could have something that is more than healthy. As long as, as they say in the lingo, we remain each others primaries. We should be ok. With that though comes the responsibility of soothing your partner if he or she feels he no longer is the primary, this may also mean cutting back for the sake of your partner if necessary.
3. Will jealousy be an issue? Absolutely, well I finally have a chance to try to work on it. I read an article that asserted that jealousy stems from fears, if I want this to work I need to tackle that one.
Actually alot of your arguments in the past few posts sounded like you were trying to convince yourself that you were okay with an open marriage.
I don't know what you mean by a "jealousy issue" and when you discussed an open M with your W. From what I recall she just didn't know if she liked guys or girls.
You were the one who mentioned an open M. Really sounds like both of you need help right now. The professional kind.
"She has her own demons, she'll have to work on. She tends to ignore issues until they are in her face. You can't get more in your face than this. As long as we both work hard I think we could have something that is more than healthy."
Sounds like you're the one who is starting to ignore the issues and quite frankly I don't see you both working hard at anything except getting sex from others. Doesn't sound healthy to me and I'm not a prude or anything.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"BUT"...she won't work on them. Gee, I bet sex with others will fix her temper tantrums
and the weirdly abusive things she does to you....AND
somehow,
will fix the fact that you put up with it.
GB
at some level down deep....you know you deserve better,
but you really don't know how to get better treatment.
YOU diagnosed your w as being bi-polar and pretty far off the wall, and then
you pretended you don't think all those things. How healthy is THAT?
Then you seemed to blame ALL women or marriage in general,
for what's simply an abusive co-dependent dynamic in an unhealthy marriage.
Don't blame marriage
b/c you feel like you are failing at it;
or you're desparately trying to convince yourself this isn't a bad marriage;
in need of professional help
just a "different, cooler one"...
it's not a cooler marriage.
It's a sad deseparate one with 2 people who both need to grow up and get help.
Be the healthier one; "the leader", and get yourself some c with or without her.
My hunch is that if you go to C, she will want to go at some point b/c she'll
feel "threatened" and insecure, again...
If she threatens to leave you, I guess it must be Thursday...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Currently thinking things through, and as they say in the military "developing the situation".
It's been 3 days since she went on her "date". Don't feel like dropping details. I still go through a mix of emotions. Although I find myself being mostly positive, about all this. It can be quite exciting. The irony is that I no longer get jealous when she goes out with "regular friends". That's because I know that if she was to go do something she would tell me. Twisted logic, but it works.
We've spent the last few days digesting what occurred, trying to separate physical from emotional. In our arrangement emotional monogamy is very important.
I know most folks here don't agree with my decision. I want to clarify that my decision is to TRY the lifestyle, and in many ways have not passed judgement yet.
Some aspects are very appealing, like getting rid of the secrecy, the increased intimacy with your partner, even knowing that at the end of the day they came home to you. (oh and the sex too).
Some aspects are very scary, like feeling inadequate, or like you may Lose your partner, or even not be #1 in their life.
In a way it's the ultimate test in differentiation.
Here I thought I was going to make this a short one. For the next week or two I feel like i need to keep my posts to a minimum. Need some proper time to digest events before posting, I also don't plan to comment much on other folks threads. If I'm a regular poster on your thread I'll keep reading and rooting for you, just feel weird giving advice since well my goals are different now.
Haven't talked about her "date" in weeks, she hasn't shown interest in doing it again. Actually these two weeks have been pretty nice, very little fighting if any. Lots of affection, even some unexpected I love you's.
Been hesitant to post since I'm super trying not to read anything into it. Just trying to enjoy what seems to be a return to marital bliss.
How long this will last I don't know, I feel confident I have the tools to handle it well if things go south again.
...Haven't talked about her "date" in weeks, she hasn't shown interest in doing it again.
...Actually these two weeks have been pretty nice, very little fighting if any. Lots of affection, even some unexpected I love you's.
....Been hesitant to post since I'm super trying not to read anything into it. Just trying to enjoy what seems to be a return to marital bliss.
...How long this will last I don't know, I feel confident I have the tools to handle it well if things go south again.
A few thoughts to share.
First, your W has been having an MLC and bisexual experimentation was part of it. If you are really, really lucky, she will gotten her experimentation out of her system, or if not so lucky you might be able to talk her into getting some counseling help to talk over any unresolved feelings she has toward bisexuality.
Second, if I were in your shoes, I would try to let go of the past and not dwell on it. Most of what I have read (never personally experienced) about surviving an affair is that you forgive your spouse and move on with your life together. So not talking about her "date" or sexual encounter is probably the right thing to do. Focus on the two of you.
Third, as one reformed NG to another, it is a constant struggle to remain focused on GAL. You need to focus on your quest for GAL and enjoy her company. Some of your comments seem to imply looking to her as the source of your happiness. While without my wife and her love and lovemaking, I would not be as happy as I am now, it is not the focus of my seeking happiness.
You need to remind yourself that you are a fully functionally and exceptional man, who deserves the love of a good woman, but can be happy without it. You need to focus on you, and the things that you do to make you happy and complete.
Again, if I were in your shoes, I would think thoughts like "how long will this last.." instead I would provide her with unconditional love in her love languages, expect her to show you that she loves you in your languages of love, try to grow your relationship by sharing special moments and experiences.
I really wish you and your wife luck. From where you have been and where you are now, you have accomplished a lot.
One of the things that you might want to do is try to explore with her what her fears are, as they may be what have been driving her MLC. I would also try to figure out someway that she can accomplish something that she is proud of, whether it is getting a job, learning a skill, or some physical accomplishment.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
YAH Thanks for the followup. Yeah not sure where she stands, trying not to even think about it. We have been having a really good time together. We can see a future together, and that's nice. I've found that the best way to deal with some issues is to let her solve them, I guess the knight in shining armor routine does more harm than good. If she asks for help I provide it, if not I leave it alone.
We had one incident that may have gone sour, but we both handled it well, no screaming, or shouting, we were both angry, but we realized it and did our best to try to calm down and patch things up.
It seems like things keep getting better and better.
YAH ...not sure where she stands, trying not to even think about it.
...We have been having a really good time together. We can see a future together, and that's nice.
...I've found that the best way to deal with some issues is to let her solve them, I guess the knight in shining armor routine does more harm than good. If she asks for help I provide it, if not I leave it alone.
We had one incident that may have gone sour, but we both handled it well, no screaming, or shouting, we were both angry, but we realized it and did our best to try to calm down and patch things up.
It seems like things keep getting better and better.
Focusing on a positive approach and attitude, focusing on the present and the future are definately the ways that a GAL-achieving, non-NG, "integrated-man" lives his life. Good for you. And as you say, you are both having a "good time together. That is great.
Your job as a man and husband is not to be her father, but to be her husband, lover, and protect her from harm, but not from herself and her working through her issues to gain maturity. You are very wise in your approach.
As to one incident, that is what marriage is all about. On my vacation I had an "incident" with my wife where she tried to pick a fight with me over my attempting to initiate sex after a week. I did not get sucked into a fight, and apologized to her for the "wrong" she said I had done, then explained to her that I was in real pain (from shin splints) as to "why" I had been in a grumpy mood. The next two days she we touching me and then after that we ML two days in a row, which for my wife is unheard of. She realized she had messed up and felt bad about it. Marriage is about two people interacting with each other as Schnarch in PM says it can also bring out the best in each of you if you just work hard enough at it.
I am so glad that you feel things just keep getting better and better. Remmber to work on your GAL as it is a big part of who you now are and what you have left behind.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
