Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[AntoniaB]

Thanks Beatrice. Inner child is a complete wreck right now, yes. I slept maybe 2 hours last night. I realized that over the past several days I've had almost no sleep and lost 4 pounds as I've forgotten to eat.

I feel in many ways like I am going through the same level of trauma now as the "bomb drop" impact, although it has been entirely of my own making. The contact with him, the kindness to him...I didn't know that would lead to his "apology", of course, but it did, and that set off my response which was intended to help me to move on from the attachment to him. I have discovered for some time now that when I write things that are "difficult" to write/get out, that later they become manifested. So I try not to walk away from it if I get a gut feeling to say something a certain way because later I always see the wisdom in it.

It's kind of the whole acting "as if" idea but in words, I guess.

I feel like I have either ended my codependent attachment to him or at least made a big start in that, and there was no one who was going to do that for me and I don't think time was just going to take care of it--maybe for some it does, but for me, who was HUGELY codependent on him, no way. I had to tear myself away.

Everything around me feels different, the house and yard, especially. It wasn't just last night, it's now too. I feel like Alice. I stepped on the other side of the looking glass. It's like a mirror world. It's not hostile or anything, it just is. But he isn't here. It's just me.

So yeah, the inner child is pretty scared of that, but I have to follow through.

I have had a terrible time trying to write my book. Note to all: writing a 75-100k word analytical book of literary criticism is darn near impossible when you are in emotional turmoil as a result of your marriage ending ;-) I don't suggest it.

I think part of what led me to this point was the realization that my link to him was impeding me from doing what I need to do in my "new" life, and I felt threatened, and so I severed myself from the attachment.

You know we think that their rejection of us is the hardest thing we ever have to face, but knowing when to walk away and acting on that feeling might actually require more courage.