Do what I can but still have questions 3

[soccerwife]

25, there is so much of your last post that I just don't know how to respond to, I guess I haven't thought about it.

Yes, I didn't tell him the truth about not wanting him to leave for the entire weekend because I guess I know he doesn't want to be here around me anyway and asking him to stay would just make him angry. The way you would respond to him is EXACTLY what I wanted to say, but sarcastic AND snoty, but I knew it would ruin the nice conversation we had.

I think it will be better to just allow him to go without letting him know how I feel and then I will greet him happily when he gets home so that the homecoming is better than the party. I will just ignore the crappy mood altogether and that will make the recovery from the weekend much smoother.

About MC, the counselor requested that H come the next time, so I came home and said that MC wants him there but I personally would rather he didn't go, especially if he didn't want to. After our argument, he sent me a txt that "I can go again I think if you want me to." Unfortunately, I forgot my DBing and txt him back that it would make me happy if he went. When I realized what I said was counterproductive, I txt him again the phone number of the MC and told him to make an appointment if he likes, put the ball in his court. I WILL NOT ask him if he scheduled an appt, I will just wait for him to approach me.

The way he said it sounded to me like he is willing to try, but you can't get emotion through a txt so I need to prepare for anything. I know that he thinks he wants out, he has pretty much said as much. But in the last few days he has said things like he doesn't know why what I want is more important than what he wants (I think he is basically conceeding that I am going to get what I want AGAIN). He is placing the "blame" that he is "required" to work on the M on me rather than owning the fact that he made the choice. I can play that game too, and thanks to DB, I am one step ahead of him... letting him set up the appt if he wants to go.

What do I want now? I want to have a better M than I had even in the beginning. I want to grow old together and I really want a 60th wedding anniversary. Right now, I get absolutely nothing from this M except pain. But that wasn't so even a year ago.

If we didn't have kids, would I be here now fighting for this M? I don't like to think in what if's because it is just so hard to tell but We likely would never have married. We would have went to separate colleges and probably would have split up while still dating. I HATE the thought of that. We have talked about that before and H feels the same way. Our kids, especially S13, need 2 parents all the time.

So, even if we do make it through this difficult time, what do we do during the next transition when the kids are gone? Another frightening thought. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I know that I DO love him very much and he DOES still love me, he is just confused.

I have a lot more thinking to do.