really? no... reaaalllyy...?

[25yearsmlc]

This legal decision makes sense to me KD.

Like you said (and I trust you put logical-legal thought into this--I mean, is it possible that you COULD be worse off with a judge??? Ask your L...)

But if the worst that can happen legally, is what she wants to have happen,
then you'd be nuts to not see a L...

Don't skimp on the legal costs only to have that haunt you later, or cost you time with your kids. What's that worth to you?

I'd rather Have a judge "screw you over" so you can be mad at him/her -instead of being mad at yourself or your w.

So-Did you decide to go to your d's b-day?

My thoughts were all over the place on this with me mostly leaning to you doing what's best for d8 and she wants you there so, show up, etc....

but if you can't handle being around w's family without having a scene, that decides it. Kind of trumps all the other arguments...(except you'll have to get a grip on that)

Regardless of that issue, let me make one comment that's relevant to something you fear that might not be true and imo should not matter.

The w's family's opinion...first off, you will likely never know who said what to whom, about whether you were "screwing" her in the d -

which your w wants to keep lawyers out of...(odd for someone who fears she's getting screwed in the div...)

second, if the family's view of you were something you could affect or control, that's one thing. But it's not and you can't. Or so I think.

If the family believes you are a purple lizard lesbian lover, would that bother you?


Or would you shrug it off b/c you know their "data" isn't real?

I think At some point you would shrug it off b/c after all, it's silly and irrelevant, and the data they have is NOT accurate. It'd be like you caring what a street person says about you when they're high and insane...Not relevant to your life.

OTOH--True, you will see these folks at events in the future so you want to get along. But how does seeing them now affect that?

FWIW I've got several siblings who are divorced. Eventually they ALL learned to get along at these occasions at least in front of the rest of us. None of them had "amicable" divorces, whatever that means..isn't it always the one who wants the divorce who says "amicable"?

But last month I attended the wedding of my niece-- (my brother and his 1st w)who divorced 25 years ago. I had only seen my former sil twice in all that time. It was an angry marriage and a sad bitter divorce...but their d was always strangely well behaved ("strangely"- b/c her parents were big time pot smokers and drinkers, who fought like crazy...)

Niece is getting her PhD and is in great physical and spiritual shape, picked a lovely young man to marry, they are active in their church and do a lot of missionary work. Amazing young couple. They're truly in love too.
WTH? I was nervous about seeing my ex sil b/c she had a serious temper and there used to be big scenes with her after a few dozen drinks..

Shockingly, my brother and his ex w were friendly to each other! They were proud and, honest to God downright warm with each other! I thought they'd end up sleeping together that weekend. (they didn't - but still).

I toasted my brother and his ex, I said "you put your own agendas and pain aside to put her needs first...You did right by her, and so look at her. She's proof that parents can divorce and still put their children first. You showed up for your d, and it shows."

It can be done. My brother went to every soccer game she had and they both drove from the east coast to Arizona for national championships and she got a college scholarship, went to Europe to play and her parents were there for her. They showed up for her. You can do the same, someday.

Hang in there...but one question, what's with the ring wearing?

Are you saying you are wearing it b/c now the L's will slow things down or Are you holding onto the hope for a recon yourself, or is this for some other reason?

Just asking.