Night five alone. I went out to my art class... which was canceled. Boo. So my friend and I went out for coffee instead. I texted him to let him know.
Got back home at 10:30pm. He asked me how my evening was without looking at me... then he started getting his shoes and coat on.
I honestly thought (stupid expectations!) that because he had spent four nights away that perhaps he'd stay with me tonight. My disappointment got the better of me and I backslid...
I started to cry and instantly he got more remote and withdrawn. And because I was tearing up, avoiding a relationship talk was just about entirely unavoidable... He started asking relationship questions and I started giving him relationship answers. I even... (grooooan... I'm so mad at myself) asked him to "Please stay tonight."
Of course he didn't. I knew as I was asking that he wouldn't... and yet my emotions took control of my mouth and I asked anyway. Stupid, stupid...
So... we had another relationship talked which ended up with the usual gems from him...
"I don't love you." "I don't feel the same way about you that you do about me." "I feel so bad that my honesty hurts you." "I don't have a home." "I don't feel comfortable around you." "Quit trying so hard to be my friend." "All I want to do is be your friend... nothing more." "You mean as much to me, having known you for 16 years, as K does to me, having known her 2 months. All my friends are on an even plateau... all of them, and that includes you."
Sigh... etc.... etc....
My resolve was gone and I wept. None of it was yelled... mostly crying on my end and frustration on his. We ended with a hug and I wished him well. Then he left. He'll be back tomorrow to watch the kids while I work.. then I'll be back home around 10pm.. about the same time tonight.
Had a good cry after he left and then came to the forum. I'm going to call my IC (which I'm on a waiting list for) and ask how soon before I can start... I really need to talk to someone about this.
Oh my gosh... help me. I've bombed myself and lost my DB momentum. What should I do now? I just feel so defeated... I'm just about ready to take off my wedding ring myself... I'm feeling sad.. worn out... pessimistic... and cursing words like love and hope for all the pain they bring about.
