Despite the fact that none of my posts since the 27th have shown up (I hope everything is okay with the site?) I shall continue to journal.
Today was up and down...
Sunday I was a wreck and asked H not to come home for the night, twarting his plans on hanging out with me that night. I got worried but cautious texts from him this morning. Things like "I hope nothing but the best for you." Etc. In the texting he revealed that he didn't pack a lunch for himself at work. I was going into the city with the kids on errands anyway so I took it as an opportunity... knowing I should expect anything in return. That's okay.
I bought him a fast food lunch and planned to drop it off at work for him... no pushing, no pursual. Just a quick favor. He surprised me by inviting me and the kids into work (an empty suite he was renovating) to have lunch with him. Having not seen him all weekend I was nervous but determined to keep acting "as if".
He was teary... full of civil conversation... lots of hugs and kisses.
Fast forward to tonight.. he comes home for supper. I made pancakes and bacon. He is moody and untalkative. I'm not sure how to act around him. Right now he is on the main computer (I'm on the couch on the laptop) and he's multitasking... doing business for another charity gig that's happening tomorrow and talking to K on MSNchat.
The urge to walk up and look over his shoulder and see what he is saying to her (and he's been talking to her for the past half hour) is oooooooverwhelming. I'm holding myself back. No snooping. Not anymore. I'm acting "as if" I don't care. Good thing I've got things to do... keep my mind on my own affairs.
I took something to settle my stomach. Having him home excites me and terrifies me at the same time. I feel sick.
Well, he stayed until about midnight with me last night.. watching movies and talking with K on the computer. At about midnight I couldn't stay awake anymore and I folded out the hideabed. He gave me a short kiss goodnight and said that K was having a tough time and that she wasn't doing too good tonight so he was going to spend the night at her place and help her out.
Yeah.... well... whatever, I guess.
Then he paused before he left and said "I'm still not sure about us... not sure where we are... I've got to think about it. There are some days I think we can make this work and some days I think I should get my own apartment.. but I know we can't afford that." Then he was gone.
I didn't know whether or not to take that as encouragement or as him letting me down gently. Then I had to remind myself to stop thinking that I can figure out what he means. All I can work on is myself right now.
I'm sad of course... I wish my H was in bed with me, cuddling me as we fall asleep... but in a way I'm glad he's gone. I can let all my breath out and put the strong "as if" front down for a little bit. I tell you... it's a relief to cry a little bit and let some of it out. It's also a relief to fall asleep to a quiet room without hearing him typing away to K on the computer. And it's a relief to wake up in the morning and not have to try and hide my morning stomach (my "nervous tummy" has become a morning ritual.. :S) and disturb him with it.. it's much harder to DB first thing in the morning when I feel physically ill.
When it's all added up... I'm sad... but I'm glad when he doesn't spend the night at home. It's a relief to my system. Isn't that crazy? :S
It started to rain as he was driving away and he texted me "If the basement starts to flood again, msg me right away! I insist!"
I had just prepared my spirit for spending a night alone... I didn't want to ask him to come back. I responded "No.. it's ok. You go help 'K' out... be the hero you like being. I'll hold down the home front and I'll be just fine."
Quoth he "Thanks for supper and for hanging out with me."
Quoth I "Anytime."
Quoth he ":)"
What a rollercoaster yesterday was! He was up, he was down, he was in, he was out. And I'm adapting to it.
Everyday he's gone hurts but it's starting to hurt less.
I just read through your entire situation. I have a couple of thoughts. These are just my thoughts - keep in mind you should do what works for you.
It sounds like you are giving your H implicit permission to hang out with 'K'. It's one thing to overlook him hanging out with 'K', but it's an entirely different situation to give him outright permission to do it.
Is there any chance you H (or someone else for that matter) would watch the kids at some point where you could do your own thing to GAL? Speaking of GAL'ing, is there anything you could do that would put an extra 'spring' in your step, while getting you out of the house? Think of something maybe "out of the box", something you've always wanted to try. You could even occasionally just take a walk around the block, get some fresh air. You could visit a museum. Go see a movie by yourself. I think IaP suggested going out for coffee with a friend. I think you get the picture.
Another thing dbmod pointed out to me early in my situation - there is a difference between acting "as if" and pretending. When you act "as if", you are acting as if you expect a certain result. There's an example in DR on this.
Hang in there! You're in a good place. We're behind you here and pulling for you.
Hi Jbnati - I've been following your story. You are very inspiring.
I have been making more steps towards GALing. Tonight I went out for coffee with a friend and then she came over for a movie. She doesn't know what's going on with H and me (indeed, in fact, I don't even know) but she's one of the few people I have told about the depression. Having gone through depression herself, and in fact still taking the medication for it, it's nice to talk to a sympathetic ear. We chatted about how much the side effects suck.
Tomorrow night I'm stepping out with a different friend and we're going to a life drawing class... I'm going to sketch live nude models.. I haven't done that since college.
Then mid month September I've booked myself to attend an open house for Belly Dancing. The art form has always intrigued me and I feel the push at the small of my back (My inner voice yelling GAL!)to finally give it a try. I've never danced before so this will be totally new.
Community band practice will start at the end of September again. That will keep me out, active and engaging with people.
Originally Posted By: jbnati
Another thing dbmod pointed out to me early in my situation - there is a difference between acting "as if" and pretending. When you act "as if", you are acting as if you expect a certain result. There's an example in DR on this.
Thank you! I needed to read that. I think I've been just pretending. I'm going to chew on the application of "as if" a little more tonight.
Came back home with my friend from coffee... I thought perhaps H was going to watch a movie with us but when we got in the house I saw that his shoes were already on. The charity gig he and his friends did this afternoon has an evening afterparty and he's going to attend.
Naturally there is no way he's coming home tonight. He'll spend the night at K's house. If I didn't have the food set aside I wouldn't have bother but I did... so I packaged up a lunch for him for work tomorrow. I want to continue being kind and loving without being... y'know... full of love. Told him to have a good time. Then my friend and I watched a good zombie movie, "The Night of the Living Dead", the 90s remake.
I sent friend home early after only one movie because with H not here again tonight, I fully intend on taking advantage of it and going to bed early. I'm remembering what it was like to be separated before and it took me awhile... but I learned to use his absence to my advantage... and if I can get a better night's sleep on the nights that he's gone then by George, I'm going to do it.
Tomorrow I'm getting a cavity filled (okay, I know that's not exactly GALing but at least it's something I don't do very often. ) and taking the kid's to a friend's house for a playdate. Then H has agreed to come home for supper and watch the kids so I can go out and draw from live models. That will be neat. I don't know if H intends on spending the night or not but I'm fast learning to have no expectations.
Lucky, Good for you. It sounds like you are staring to line some things up now to GAL. Good healthy things. I think you'll find after time, it will start to gather momentum.
Keep posting here. I've found this is good place to journal for a lot of people, myself included. I stopped writing in a written journal, as I felt I was duplicating efforts. You will find one day you will post, and all of the sudden your post magically appears in your thread immediately. You'll know you're off moderation at that point.
"Gone were the nights that we always spent together.. he is constantly messaging and texting them... and one girl in particular he has gotten really close to. They speak (text) throughout the day and more often than not, all evening."
This is exactly what was happening at first with my WAS. She was constantly (still is) texting-- supposedly several people, but then it came out it was one close 'friend'. I totally identify with your 'being in a puddle on the floor." If it weren't for my S4 I wouldn't rise up from the puddle ever. Putting one foot in front of the other is for him and him only right now. The pain is SO raw. (bomb June 18 -- OP confirmed 8-28) * I don't know how to do a signature
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
You will find one day you will post, and all of the sudden your post magically appears in your thread immediately. You'll know you're off moderation at that point.
Hooray! So the sit and wait period of posting does end at some point. That's good.
He feels uncomfortable around me (that's a given.. he called K's house his "sanctuary".. :S.... makes me look at my part in this... where my responsibility lays in all this. His home, with his family who loves him should be his sanctuary.. and yet it's anything but. I feel like I've failed as a wife.) and I feel uncomfortable around him. I'm using this to find some solace in the nights alone. Those are nights where I don't have to feel strong if I'm just not up to it.
He's coming home tonight and I won't have anytime to chat or I'll be late for my art class. Wish me luck when I come back tonight.. he's spent four night's at K's house (still swearing that K is just a friend) and I suspect he might spend the night at home with me... altho' I won't be surprised if he doesn't. Boy.. is there enough push and pull within me or what?
Night five alone. I went out to my art class... which was canceled. Boo. So my friend and I went out for coffee instead. I texted him to let him know.
Got back home at 10:30pm. He asked me how my evening was without looking at me... then he started getting his shoes and coat on.
I honestly thought (stupid expectations!) that because he had spent four nights away that perhaps he'd stay with me tonight. My disappointment got the better of me and I backslid...
I started to cry and instantly he got more remote and withdrawn. And because I was tearing up, avoiding a relationship talk was just about entirely unavoidable... He started asking relationship questions and I started giving him relationship answers. I even... (grooooan... I'm so mad at myself) asked him to "Please stay tonight."
Of course he didn't. I knew as I was asking that he wouldn't... and yet my emotions took control of my mouth and I asked anyway. Stupid, stupid...
So... we had another relationship talked which ended up with the usual gems from him...
"I don't love you." "I don't feel the same way about you that you do about me." "I feel so bad that my honesty hurts you." "I don't have a home." "I don't feel comfortable around you." "Quit trying so hard to be my friend." "All I want to do is be your friend... nothing more." "You mean as much to me, having known you for 16 years, as K does to me, having known her 2 months. All my friends are on an even plateau... all of them, and that includes you."
Sigh... etc.... etc....
My resolve was gone and I wept. None of it was yelled... mostly crying on my end and frustration on his. We ended with a hug and I wished him well. Then he left. He'll be back tomorrow to watch the kids while I work.. then I'll be back home around 10pm.. about the same time tonight.
Had a good cry after he left and then came to the forum. I'm going to call my IC (which I'm on a waiting list for) and ask how soon before I can start... I really need to talk to someone about this.
Oh my gosh... help me. I've bombed myself and lost my DB momentum. What should I do now? I just feel so defeated... I'm just about ready to take off my wedding ring myself... I'm feeling sad.. worn out... pessimistic... and cursing words like love and hope for all the pain they bring about.
Tonight I went out for coffee with a friend and then she came over for a movie. She doesn't know what's going on with H and me (indeed, in fact, I don't even know) but she's one of the few people I have told about the depression. Having gone through depression herself, and in fact still taking the medication for it, it's nice to talk to a sympathetic ear. We chatted about how much the side effects suck. 
I needed to read that. I think I've been just pretending. I'm going to chew on the application of "as if" a little more tonight.