Do what I can but still have questions 3

[soccerwife]

25, he has said that there is no A of any kind and I believe him, but so many people have been fooled and I certainly have doubts. For instance, he is planning another weekend at "parties" for this weekend; leaving me with the kids the entire holiday weekend. He did the same only two weeks ago. And, I would really love to know who he is texting for hrs at a time.

I would like to prepare myself for the worst if possible, but, of course, expect nothing.

About the goodbye kiss ritual, we literally have not missed a goodbye in 14 yrs, and I think that is why I take it personally. I have been thinking about the moment he places that last straw on the camel's back for months. No amount of preparing made me deal with it any differently, that is why I am so fearful of the A talk, God forbid it happen.

It turns out that I did allow him to be walk out without saying goodbye "properly" and the pain subsided in about 20 minutes and I was more fine with it than I thought I would be. I know it is his loss and that hopefully as soon as tomorrow morning, he is going to regret it. He did send a half-a'd apology in a txt this afternoon.

In regards to the IC, I think the meds are helping me smooth out the depression/anxiety. I don't like any of the side effects, but I will deal with them for now. I probably need to increase the dose of the anti-depression meds.

I don't know exactly what a "rescue me" pattern is, but just from the name, I am guessing you are right. I feel like I need someone to tell me that I am needed or important, show me some type of affection, be willing to go out of their way to help me in order to get past each new insult. I can regain control of myself without others but it seems to take a lot longer.

I have known for sometime that it probably wasn't healthy to be so dependent on others. I am not sure what that all stems from either. I don't think it is bullying or manipulation, I think it is low self esteem/depression, but I don't know for sure.

It could be that as a child I had NOBODY to share my emotions with. I was raised by my father who I love but didn't spend time with me and a step mother who was unloving and jealous of me. So when I met H and realized the benefits of leaning on someone, I took it to the other extreme.

I am certainly doing my best to make home a place H wants to be. I continue to AAI and do nice things for him; making his favorite meals, bragging him up in front of kids, listening ad nauseam if he decides to share his day, and touching him, like rubbing his feet, when he is in a good mood.