MLC-Separating-need hwlp with my response

[AntoniaB]

I'm so sorry you are in this place, but you are in the best place you can imagine as far as finding people who will help you and really understand what you're going through.

I really picked up on how hurt you sound--the feeling of sucker punched, feeling like you have to vomit, just that "sick" feeling you're getting over a lot of this. I really went through that too. I tried to remain cordial and interact with my XH once he moved out and found that I was getting that visceral feeling in my stomach when all I saw was his name on an incoming email message or a text message. I grew to dread the contact because it always hurt. It didn't matter if he was being kind or mean or whatever, just his distance and lack of understanding for my pain was excruciating.

I did eventually go dark for several months in that I never contacted him but only responded if I had to when he contacted me, and then I went TOTALLY dark for 5 months when I blocked him entirely and had contact only with an intermediary. I am in contact again with him now a tiny bit, but that's only because it has been over a year and I have a level of some detachment I didn't have before.

You're still early in this, and I think it sounds like you're leaning towards "dark" but worried about how he'll perceive it.

I guess my best advice is to say that in the end, the most important person here is you and your sanity and your ability to function. And if you have a terrible time living like a normal person with trying to fit what he wants--this friendship idea--then you have to protect yourself.

I think there is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you're about to "lessen contact" or whatever you want to call it and just simply say that it's too painful for you to do anything otherwise. That you love him, that you wish it didn't have to be this way, but that you have to do what gets you through the day.

It is going to be very tough to be without him this weekend. My XH and I lived together for 23 years and I had never lived one day alone before that, so yeah, I know exactly what you're going to go through. But if you have been on a rollercoaster with his ups and downs, it will actually feel like a bit of a relief--it's just that a whole host of other issues will creep in.

Just keep posting your way through it. There are so many who will help.