Do what I can but still have questions 3

[25yearsmlc]

sw,

did I miss something? Are you saying that he is having an A for sure?

What do you base that on? I am not saying he is or isn't but what changed that makes you feel certain?

As for the kiss he's "taking from you"...man you have to change that Point of View soon. Our POV is our tool for getting through this.

You almost seem to want to view it as negatively as possible or take it as personally as possible. And I know you don't want to see it that way but dang...
You know better and you deserve better and you can do better.

You have to. So he won't kiss you good bye in the morning...his loss. But my take on it is that he's too depressed to muster up enough strength to make nice and act strong when he doesn't feel it...okay...

how is that about you? Hope you can see that It's not.

Yes by all means, take the ativan before the "session" if you aren't able to control your emotions yet. No shame in that.

First, no one in this type of sitch would find it smooth sailing...(I'd be loading up)

Second, you cannot afford to "lose it" in front of your h b/c he'll want to bolt. You must remain in control of your emotions around him. Lose the anger and lose the weeping stuff. No place for that now. (NOT in front of h!)

FG had a great point about how your h sees the home he's returning to at night. IDK what it's like for him, but Let me share something with you.

When my h began working after residency, he often worked later than he had to. That hurt my feelings and I took it personally. I really did.

I used to feel he was choosing to get the admiration of his colleagues over the companionship and admiration of his family.

Sometimes he worked extra for the money (which we didn't need, but he felt otherwise) and sometimes he did colleagues favors by taking their cases and sometimes he wanted the interesting case or maybe he just didn't want to come home...

I'm sure there were times he had good reasons and sometimes he had lousy reasons.

The problem is that I would get upset at him & I would have my arms crossed (figuratively and literally) when he came home. I was silently fuming when he'd come home and want an apology the second he walked thru the door.

I didn't feel I should be loving to him b/c that would reward him for being selfish. I thought I'd be sending him the wrong message...and you know, I was an idiot-- b/c my brilliant plan was failing...and YET---I kept doing it.

One thing that seemed important to me at the time

was that I was sure I was "right" and

therefore, h did not deserve a change in MY behavior...

(Remember how the DB book talks about the "cheeseless tunnels"? That's me! )

I kept at this "right" behavior. I changed none of it --and h changed none of his...so we changed nothing...brilliant!)

What if I had, instead, welcomed him to a warm loving home w/open arms and a loving heart? Might he have WANTED to come home more? What if I placed being happy over being "right"? And that assumes I was right...

(Well, It certainly could not have made things worse...)

Soccerwife, I am not saying what YOU are doing is either of the above

nor am I judging you.

Just letting you know that I've done some bone headed stubborn things
b/c I thought I was right, even when it was clear that my approach was not working. That was stupid.

As for the possible A he might tell you about...you do Not have to react then and there.

Why can't you say you need time to process all this? It comes as a shock needless to say...and it hurts so of course you have a lot to think about.

Leave it at that and get the heck out of the office if you fear you'll "lose it" in front of him.

it's important you maintain and keep it together. You want to make things work and
You cannot make it work if you are operating in fear AND OR
if you fuel his fears/negatives of you.


How's the IC going for you? Are y ou working on the anxiety issues?

You might have a "rescue me" pattern here. If someone doesn't stop you you will just go on and on and not regain control of yourself??

Is it almost a form of bullying or some other form of manipulation?
I'm just wondering.

I think your growth and self improvement will aid you in identifying what is going on and how to regain control of your life, and part of that is regaining control of YOU. Which is something only you can do.

Good luck