Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[In_Shock]

Hello all,

I've been lurking a while and I have to say, this site is amazing for giving one hope and real practical advice. I hesitated a little before posting because while my sitch is SO much the same as so many of yours, I am one of those in a same sex relationship. Honestly, the issues are for the most part exactly the same - especially emotionally.

My SO dropped the bomb on me June 18, 2011 after 13 years together. Just so you know, there has been no abuse of any sort, no substance abuse (neither of us so much as smokes, no PAs, and I was/am absolutely devastated. I read some of Michelle's book at Barnes and Noble, and purchased it because it made more sense than what I was doing....the typical begging, pleading, crying. Over and over.

It's a fairly complicated story, as all are when trying to break down a relationship of over a decade down into a concise post - but she basically says she is done with me. She wants this relationship to be over. Why? We've had some problems over the years - I had a 4 year period where I got extremely religious and although we stayed together, she tells me she felt abandoned by me -- and has trouble trusting me due to that. I came out of that religious stuff in 2005, but she says the hurt is still there.

Then she says I have been controlling throughout the years - she felt as if she could not have friends. She felt as if I was trying to control her --- and in thinking back, I can see her point. I called a lot, asked her a lot of questions, and I would not always react happily when I found she had been hanging out with people without me. Part of that problem is that I'm actually quite shy, and always wanted to kind of piggy back on her friends instead of having to find my own. I see now what I did. Honestly did not see it at the time. I needed to grow. So that is what I've been doing.

Another part of that was she always told me I never 'listened' to her. I then started asking 'how is your day?" Tell me about this person, that event, etc.... Now I see my effort to show my interest was read as controlling or nosy. My mistake. I own it all.

She had an EA once about 3 months after we adopted our S4. She dropped that when it seemed to get serious -- and told me she was just trying to get the emotional connection from someone who was very much like me. But she stopped it to save her family...

THat is the other problem. She has said I am too intellectual and not emotional enough. (I'm a college professor - it comes with the territory i suppose) so for years I've been working on my emotional growth. She's told me she has seen great changes over the past 4 years. But she doesn't like that I need reassurance. Hey, i want reassurance to make sure our relationship is getting on track. BUT I worked so hard the past four years after S4 was adopted that she many times told me to quit trying so hard to please her. That was what I wanted to do though, so I didn't HEAR her.

Now we are separated but living together because of our son. She seems to be in an EA wiht another woman -- they text for hours and hours every night. It tears my heart out. I want to save my marriage and be a family. Help!!!!

[In_Shock]

Gonna journal a bit and hope you guys will PLEASE give me some input! Well, last night I messed up DBing really bad. I found out (she admitted) she had spent the day Sat and Sun with this other woman she's having EA with. I pretty much asked her if she was thinking of having a relationship with her...she said she liked her a lot....THEN i really broke th rules. I snooped in her texts--- and the word devastated does not begin to cover how horrible I felt when I learned they had kissed for the first time yesterday, that my SO told someone else she would run away with this EA/PA now? in a heartbeat......

I didn't say I snooped --but I did grovel, beg, cry.... please don't break up the family. Please don't go....So today, I've cried all day. My eyes are red - didn't sleep last night literally did NOT sleep. Did I f everything up completely with my carrying on? Can I come back from this? I wish she had felt comfortable talking to me earlier == maybe I could have done more. I'm SO SO crushed.

[In_Shock]

SOOOOOOO down tonight. She is out with the OW. I can't eat, can't sleep. Waiting for my counseling appointment at 7 pm. I got discouraged when looking at forum for surviving the big D. Someone made a remark about the newbies not realizing their SO is NOT coming back....I hope it's just because they are jaded over there. I want hope. I want my family.

I am willing to do the work. I am a bundle of nerves, can't do much except cry. I was ok until I found out about this OW. Now I'm terrified I'll lose her for good. Come on my experienced DBers. Please help!!!!

I hate being on moderation. My thread is buried!!

[In_Shock]

Oh come on!!! HELP DBers. I really need you!

[In_Shock]

I'm having the worst two days I can recall in my life. The pain is so strong it is just all consuming. I can't stop thinking about her being with the OP-- i watch her sit and text the OP for hours at night. I try to be non judgmental - detach lovingly. I am living in hell.

As most of us know, there isn't much pain worse that having the person you loved and shared a life with for a long time seeing someone else -- telling them the things they told you...etc.... It's sickening and my heart hurts. I cry all the time-- which of course is a sign of depression. BUT when she comes home I am upbeat. Smile- how was your day? Good. Etc....

How to stop the pain? I don't know but it is eating me alive.

[ncl]

Hi, Mary. I stumbled across your thread. Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry you have to be here, but you are in good company. Hopefully you will be off moderation soon and some of the veterans (who have WAY better advice than I do!) will come to your rescue. In the meantime, I wanted to give you my support.

I'm so very sorry for what's happened. Is it too late to save your relationship? Of course not! We all make mistakes in trying to get our SO/spouses back. Just recognize what isn't working for you and start trying some of the DB techniques you've read about.

You've made it clear that you are aware of the changes you need to make to improve your relationship. Now it's time to make them! You know what you need to do first...stop the crying, begging, sulking, snooping, etc. Try to focus on keeping yourself healthy. No one wants to be with a red/swollen eyed zombie! Plus, you have that precious child to take care of. So, yes, I know you are at what seems like rock bottom. I know the pain, the devastation, the fear, the anger, the feeling of your heart LITERALLY breaking in your chest, can't sleep, can't eat, etc. But you've got to do your best to embrace these feelings in a positive way so you can work through them. And you need to find some happiness for you right now. Whatever you enjoy doing for you, DO IT.

Next, you need to set some boundaries. It's just downright disrespectful that your SO is texting the OP in front of you! I would calmly and plainly tell her that her communicating with the OP in front of you is hurtful and disrespectful and to please no longer do it. You need to decide what other boundaries you can set to protect your feelings as much as possible.

Keep posting and reading and working on YOU!

All my best, lc4

[~¤DG¤~]

I had this big reply all typed out and then I deleted it.
Grrrr..

So the cliff notes version is this:

You have come to the right place
We are all here to support you
Continue to go to counseling for yourself, and working on yourself.
Feel free to post and journal often. It seems like someone is always around.

I wish I had more time, just know you are not alone.

[Julz]

Welcome. Sorry you are here. The only advice I can give is time and patience - lots of time and patience. Don't expect miracles overnight. Concentrate on you, GAL, and making changes to yourself. She will notice them - but it's going to take time - probably a lot of time! So you need patience - lots of it.

[In_Shock]

thanks so much for the replies. Sure do hope i get off moderation soon!

Well, last night my lack of sleep and lack of food caught up wiht me and I did it again. Messed up. I started the R talk while she was texting. Not sure how I did it -- i didn't mean to. She said "I've given you thirteen years and I am ready to move on - alone or with someone else" I did get my DBing skills back a bit by that point and agreed with her. I said, I understand, but we need to work on becoming friends, and you are my best friend, etc... Then I talked too much. I can't just *BLEEPING* say something and let it go. I talk it to death (one of her long standing complaints I might add).

She almost slept on the couch last night, but ended up coming to bed as usual. I have GOT to get ahold of this R talk. I SO need reassurance, and i SO know that is not what I'm going to get so why the F* do we all do that?

I printed sandi's 37 tips for DBing and carry them in my purse all the time, and read the throughout the day. The feeling I have in the pit of my stomach is awful. I can't stop thinking about them together and the "ILY" texts I read. How in the world is she saying ILY to someone she supposedly only has been in contact with for a few weeks????? I know, I know, don't believe ANYTHING they say...etc....

I know it's going to be a bumpy ride but I keep looking at my S4 and knowing it will be worth it if we can save the only family he's known. I love my family so much, and I only wish I had known earlier that she was so unhappy -- or what to do about it. Or stopped trying so hard. Or tried differently. Or..... I can make myself crazy. I thought we had come through the fire and were strong.

I'm not sure how to pick my feet up every day and GAL. Last night I took S4 to friend's house for dinner and playtime with their kids. I guess anything I do that is not sitting here obsessing about them together is GAL -- but all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die. I'm sure many of you know that feeling. It is through my core and I can barely move sometimes. WHY do we allow anyone to have this much control over our emotions???????????

[In_Shock]

Yes, I'm trying hard to concentrate on myself. I have all the symptoms of a major depressive episode. Can't eat/sleep/find pleasure in anything/slow movements/crying at the drop of a hat and even at work/obsessing/feeling like I am dying.

Do some of us really make it? I need to go read some success stories.