New to the forum.

[♪CS♪]

SLC, sorry man.

Damn I am getting sick and tired of reading these. Seen too many now.

Don't worry what she meant by moving on.

Think about what it means for you.

You CHOSE what you do tonight and for the rest of your life.

Peace man.

[Lonely in SLC]

It has been a few days since I last logged in.

Signed paperwork on the house on Friday. Today was the last day we had to move out. The last four days have been hectic trying to pack and move everything. I'll admit, it was enjoyable just being around the XW. No R talk, just working together, talking, and joking. We went to lunch or dinner almost everyday.

The next few days will be interesting. The last few weeks we have seen a lot of eachother due to the house and divorce. No arguements for at least two weeks even though there has been lots of contact.

Now, there really will be no reason to see eachother except for exchanging the kids. I have them this weekend again.

I am hoping that she will want to continue communicating with me, maybe continue eating out once a week? I believe she enjoys going out to eat, especially when I buy, but I don't want to be the one to initiate the contact.

Or will she go dark and stop communicating with me with the exception of the kids? Do I go completely dark and move on? Or do I just stop intiating contact, but go along if she calls or wants to go out to eat?

I'm also worried that depression might hit again. I was feeling good being around her alot, now it might come to an abrupt stop. I guess I will now have more time to work on me I guess. I will keep you updated.

[Lonely in SLC]

So, today was the last day to pack and move. We had lived in the home for 9 years. As I was ready to lock up the door to the house for the last time, I just stood there looking around, remembering all of the good times I had there. A couple of tears came to my eyes.

Then the XW walked in and asked if I was crying. I started to say no, but why lie. I just responded by saying "A lot of good memories here." She walked up to me and said "We will make even better ones" then gave me a quick kiss on the lips. The first one in months.

I am to tired to try to even analyze this. I don't want to get any hopes up, and if anything happens, I believe it is still a long ways away. Just to tired.

Afterwards I took the family to have burgers and fries. We had a great time.

[♪CS♪]

SLC, I just went back and got more caught up on your sitch.

Have to say. This was FAST!!!!

Boy....

Anyways.... Right at the beginning you posted.

1. Divorce
2. She *(AND YOU)* needs time to heal and find herself.
a. She does not know how long this will take, maybe a year or longer.
3. Begin from scratch
a. As friends
b. Later as girlfriend/boyfriend
c. Get married again

So where are you now?

1. Done.

Looks like on to #2.

What does this mean to you?

And like I edited above. YOU need this time as well.

[Lonely in SLC]

My XW came over to my place to drop the kids off Friday night. I love having the kids every weekend. Anyway, she said for awhile to use my internet to check flights to Chile. She has a really sick sister that she wants to go see.

Afterwards we ordered pizza and ate as a family. I don't have a large table so the XW and I sat on the couches next to each other. I got up to go get a drink, and when I returned I sat on a different couch. She told me to "get over here" and motioned to the empty spot that I had vacated on the couch next to her. We continued to talk and have fun as a family.

She finally left around 09:00 in the evening kissing the kids goodbye. I walked her to the car. She looked gorgeous. She caught me eyeing her and asked me to speak. I believed it was the look that she knew what I wanted and was encouraging me to speak my wants out loud. I asked her on a date. She postively responded "Next Weekend".

So, we will see if it happens. If we go, do I go on the date as friends, or do I dare try a hug and kiss. Probably not, I am thinking of taking this slowly. Then again, thinking it is easier to do than doing it. We shall she.

[Lonely in SLC]

The last couple of weeks I have just been posting updates on what is going on with my situation without sharing my feelings. I feel like it might be necessary to sort through what I am feeling now.

The best way to explain my feelings is just a foggy numbness. This might just be a defensive mechanism to stop the pain that I felt in the past. I have stopped crying, and just seem to be living day to day. Maybe I am afraid at this moment to analyze things anymore. Maybe I am just to tired.

I recently bought some cpu games that I never bought during the marriage due to not having enough time and knowing it would bother the wife. Now, I seem to have a lot more time on my hands. They help to pass the time when I am alone. Then again, maybe it is just to help numb the senses for now.

I do believe that it is time to evaluate the situation. I seem to look at things from a lot of angles, but for now lets just put them into two buckets, negative & positive.

Negative - I still cannot believe that I am now divorced. I am still angry and disappointed with myself. I cannot believe how fast everything has been. It was just February when we celebrated both her birthday and Valentines day. I thought this year I had done my best ever to make sure that she enjoyed both. Now......we are divorced.

I also catch myself getting frustrated with my Heavenly Father. I have been taught that nothing is more sacred than the family, and here mine is in ruins. I know that this way of thinking does not help, but it creeps into my mind at times.

Do I have the energy to continue fighting. I feel my relationship with the XW is progressing, but I know that it will still take a lot of time. How much patience can I endure. She still yells at me for the smallest things and seems to be unwilling to change this. I have been patient, but at what point and how do I tell her or show her that this behavior is unacceptable.

I have also noticed other changes that bother me. She seems to be a lot more egotistical. Before she did everything for me and the kids. Now......she seems to love hanging around her best friend. She seems to eager to give me the kids every weekend, not that I mind having them, it is just the attitude of pawning them off on me to hang out with her friend. Hell, before, we could never go out alone because she never trusted anyone to watch the kids.

She will be going to Chile to see a sick sister in about three weeks. Rather than taking one of the kids with her, the boys have not been to see that side of their family since they were 1 years old, she pays $1,700.00 for her friend to go with her.

She has also started back up with her witchcraft pagan stuff that she gave up before we ever met, and is definitely against "our" religion. I say "our" because she has apparently given that up to.

Positives - We have a good relationship right now that I believe many on this board would be envious of. I remember just a few short months ago how bad it hurt when my W could not even look at me with fear and hatred in her eyes. This is a lot more enjoyable than before.

I don't believe that she has had any PA with anyone despite what I thought earlier. I could be wrong, I just don't feel that I am. If she starts one now, it will hurt, but I guess it would not be considered being unfaithful now that we are divorced.

My Father in Heaven has never let me down. I do still believe that my XW and I will get back together.

Sorry if it seems that I am rambling. I just wanted to explore all of the many feelings that are bottled up. I still feel the numbness as stated earlier.

Any advice right now would be much appreciated. I feel like I don't have any plan of action, just living day to day.

[InAPickle]

SLC" "My Father in Heaven has never let me down. I do still believe that my XW and I will get back together."

Question: Are you going to hold your breath for this?

SCL: "I feel like I don't have any plan of action, just living day to day."

Think long and hard. Think of all the different possible futures with her or without. Living day to day aint gonna do. You'll look back one day and realize you've wasted years living day to day.

Have your read DR? Establish some goals (for you that have nothing to do with her).

Prayers
Pic

[Lonely in SLC]

Thanks Pic,

I have put some thoughts into your post. I'll try to answer your questions as best as I can.

SLC" "My Father in Heaven has never let me down. I do still believe that my XW and I will get back together."

Question: Are you going to hold your breath for this?

I will try to explain my thoughts better when I posted this. I still believe that I will get back together with the XW, but I do not know what God's will is yet.

I do he has two promises for me.

1. I will be a better person through this experience. I can already tell that I am a more patient person, and that I have a lot more empathy towards others with their struggles.

2. Like Job, I will be happy again in the future. How long and wether it will be with my XW, I do not know, I just have to keep remining myself that happiness will come again.

I also know that God likes when people put in the hard work, then, and only then, will his grace carry us the rest of the way.

Regarding my living day to day. I guess we all know that this is a long marathon. I guess I am to the point that I just want to sit down under a nice shaded tree and rest. Maybe it is my depression hitting in, maybe it is good for the body and mind to rest. This I do not know. I know the goal is at the finish line, but it seems very far away still.

Having said this, sometimes you need the support, someone to pick you up and encourage you to move forward to that finish line. Thanks Pic, I guess it is time to work on my goals again.

The one major obstacle regarding one goal is where to go when it comes to relations. I know that I would like to get back with the XW, but what if that does not happen? I know I would like to feel love and to love another woman similar to what I had with the XW.

But here is the dilema. Do I continue to DB, and for how long. Does this mean I can't date. When do I move on.

I hear from others that I need to wait to heal. I just don't know what that means. For the most part, I am happy with myself, especially with some of the new changes that I have experienced recently. Is this what healing means? How will I know what is meant to be healed? Is it moving forward, such as going out on dates with other women? Or do I not go out on a date until I am truly healed?

Again, what does it mean to heal?

If anyone has an answer or opinion to this, I would really like to hear them. I can't believe that I am the only person here that does not know what "to be healed" means?

[InAPickle]

SLC: "But here is the dilema. Do I continue to DB, and for how long. Does this mean I can't date. When do I move on."

This is entirely your decision. Read the end of my signature line.

Look, I too am open to one day reconciling with my XW. But the person she has become is not the one I want to be with. I sure as heck am not going to wait around for her to morph back into the woman I married, you know, the one that "respected" me and placed high value on the M. So I DB without expectations, moving on to live life to the fullest and trying to do my best for my kids.

SLC: "I hear from others that I need to wait to heal. I just don't know what that means."

It just means we've all been wounded mostly emotionally and spiritually. Wounds leave scars, but they do heal, and it does take time. The old adage - "time heals all wounds".

I posted the following poem before on my thread. It may provide insight.

"Ivictus" by William Ernest Henley.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

[Lonely in SLC]

I usually hate poetry, but I copied "Ivictus" by William Ernest Henley in my journal. Thanks for sharing that.

I still have a question regarding the notion "to heal". I understand that we are wounded emotionally and spiritually. I also understand that "time heals all wounds". But what do I do regarding dating.

I believe I am over the obsession of wondering where and/or whom the XW is with. But, if something happens now, it is her right due to us being divorced now.

For the most part I have accepted the situation that I am in. (This was harder to do than you would think). I am now divorced. There are times when I still can't believe this, but more often than not, I know where I am. The pain will still come unexpectedly, but not as frequent as before. I believe this will always happen until we get back together, or I marry someone else. Please respond if you think differently.

But, isn't a part of healing moving on. Should I begin to casually date again. Does this help with the healing process. Does this help with my self-esteem. (I know, I should be happy with myself regardless of what others think of me, but it helps when you feel attractive or liked).

Then again, should I not date for x amount of months because I may or may not be ready. And if I am not ready (on the rebound) could I make some serious mistakes. But then again, how do you know when you are ready? Others might say it is like a bike, if you fall off, you just have to get back on.

The last thing that goes through my mind, even though I should not factor this into my equations, is will dating help or hurt DBing with the XW? Will she become jealous and realize she may loose me? That I will not just put my life on hold waiting for her. Will she become upset and begin dating others? Will she care?

Am I not ready to date because I still think this way? I just don't know.