Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[AntoniaB]

I guess I feel differently about what I've said, especially the first line. I feel like I just made myself the center of my universe and put myself first and not him. I guess you could say I just legitimized his own feelings or came off like I agreed with him. But maybe on some level I do.

If you remove OW's influence on this situation, I would never have made any changes to myself. I didn't change at all when he and I were separated for four months. Any "changes" I made were superficial and didn't stick. I didn't become a different/better person.

It had to take that kind of fracture of the marriage to push me to where I had to change to survive. And NOW I love who I am. That affair was the most devastating AND best thing that ever happened to me.

If I acknowledge that, then I feel like my anger towards him really starts to lift. When that happens, I feel the greatest motivation to GAL fully and forgive myself and him.

If I don't acknowledge that, then I feel like I stay stuck in the past and in my pain and unable to move on.

I guess what I'm saying is that even the OLD him of the good parts of the marriage could not work in a relationship with the NEW me. I'd just keep trying to make him see the good side of things, which I did when he confided about work issues to me, and he'd just keep being a cynic and a complainer with no ambition, passions, or drive. His whole family is like this, and the friends that defected to his side still live like they're 20, in college, with no goals, no drive, no wish but to just party it up when they don't work because they all hate their jobs and have no hobbies or interests, who don't really do any good for others.

With his leaving, all that is gone. I'm better off without him.

I guess it's time for me to leave the board? Ha ha. I just don't think I want to bust this divorce anymore. Does that make me selfish? I guess I just don't want the old marriage anymore either because I can really see clearly that despite all the good times, I wasn't authentically me while in it.

It would be nice if he would encounter a big change like me--and learn to look at himself really closely. I think he's far from it now, but I do pray that he can get to this place. And if that were to happen, years down the road, then sure, maybe we'd have a chance. But for now, I think I'm ready to really let go of him, and right or wrong, my note to him reflected that.