My wife had another independent counseling session yesterday morning, which she discussed with me last night. She said they got on the topic of her childhood, and that my wife realized that going back as far as 2nd grade, she's always been "obsessed", for lack of a better word, with being liked by the "right" people, being part of the "right" social group, and the "right" guys. So she would stuff her true feelings, her opinions on things, her thoughts...she would deny any and everything about herself if she thought it conflicted with what the "right" people/guys wanted. The message she internalized growing up was that she wasn't good enough, that all of her validation and self-worth came from external sources...from other people, and that she found herself at the age of 34 incapable of loving herself because she didn't feel worthy of it. Her whole life before me, she said, has just been a string of boyfriends, one after the other with no down-time in between where she focused on herself and her own growth. She's basically been on a constant search to find someone to make her feel a way that, in my opinion, you can only feel when you love yourself. She also said she still has a "voice" that just feeds her all sorts of self-defeating and self-deprecating thoughts all the time, and that she constantly beats herself up for not being able to just get over some of the painful things she experienced as a child and teenager.
I didn't ask her what she thought that meant for me and her, I just listened to what she had to say, and offered a few compassionate remarks where I thought they were appropriate, but I have to say...I would LOVE to know if she had/has any thoughts on what the ramifications of this new self-knowledge are for "us." I'm smart enough not to ask, not to push, pressure, or "temperature check"... but sometimes this way of living is just so tough. So tiring. I'm keeping it all up, all the GALing, 180's, giving her her space... but even then, sometimes the limbo just feels like it's taking its toll on me. I don't show any of it to her...in fact for the past two months she has seen nothing by a positive attitude from me, nothing but kindness and giving, quiet strength and confidence. I'm trying to remind myself that this is BIG stuff for her. It's surprising to me that she's been in therapy for 7 years and it's just now coming up...but at least it is coming up. I guess maybe she can't even be thinking about "us" right now when this is the type of stuff she's dealing with, but from my own selfish perspective, I'm just so exhausted right now. In my lesser moments I feel like telling her that I just can't do it anymore, and she should move out if she's not ready to offer the smallest amount of committment to piecing things between us back together. Granted, I don't actually think that would be a good thing to do, but sometimes this situation just gets to me so much that escape starts to seem like a viable option... I guess maybe that's a taste of what my wife felt like when she told me she wanted a divorce...
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
