She's STILL running away!!!!

[Reallyover]

I have a tendency to get jump on this site and post raw emotion. Not sure if that’s good or not. I will always love my wife. I do not like what she is right now. I am rebuilding myself and her incessant kicking to the head is becoming beyond frustrating. Fixing 30 years of my own personal misery is difficult enough. Ignoring my own issues in the presence of my kids so I can be the best father possible is hard enough.

I empathize with her. I don’t know exactly what she’s going through but I don’t like to see her in pain. Maybe my raw thoughts are a way of detaching. I want nothing more to help her and she vilifies me at every opportunity based on crap she makes up in her head.

I have pretty much always been cynical. I have recently made the conscious choice to view things from a positive perspective while minimizing negative thoughts. It has really helped me. This being that has inhabited my W is doing the equivalent of spitting in my face. Maybe I need to redouble my resolve.

She has my intentions and thoughts so screwed up in her head its ridiculous. She told me yesterday that I keep shifting my positions on things. I don’t. She told me one day I want the D and the next I don’t, etc. I have never said I agreed with the D. I have accepted its happening but do not agree…been as clear about this as humanly possible.

I am going to write a letter to her clearly explaining my thoughts. Not sure I’ll send it to her. Should I post it here for a critique?

Good suggestion Val. I will try that approach. BTW..she is definitely creating her own fuel. I have not given her much ammo over the last 2 months. She is carrying tremendous guilt IMHO.

W told me yesterday that she doesn’t know what’s wrong with her. I had to throw my 2cents in of course….I told her that she is full of hate and anger towards me and that it is destroying her because she is not a hateful person. At some point the hate needs to dissipate.

She came in today after I returned from an interview and seemed irritated that I didn’t sit down in a yoga pose and divulge every detail of it. I told her that “yesterday she was repulsed by my voice and my face and today she wants to sit down for a chat. I’m not a mind reader. Never have been.” No response from her.

[LearningPatience]

RO, writing a letter that helps you figure out your thoughts is a great idea, AS LONG AS
YOU

NEVER

SEND IT

I hope the extra emphasis here sinks in

[Truegritter]

I empathize with her.

You can say this.

Living it is another matter.

Vent here I don't mean to discourage you.

It's good. It REALLY is.

But

You are not fooling anyone who has been here long enough to know that what you feel is real and you DO feel it.

Please don't nod your head and say ok. I know.

Feel it.

And conquer it.

Don't avoid it.

Once you look at it for what it is you can no longer be in fear of it.

Really I did not mean to make you feel admonished for sharing your thoughts here. Only to think.

This process requires a bunch of failure and correction before we learn a different path.

[Reallyover]

LP, I anticipated a response similar to this. I do have a question though….Why? My W is absolutely tormented. My intentions, thoughts, feelings, and desires are completely jumbled in her head. I know she probably doesn’t care about them right now, maybe won’t for a long time if ever. Isn’t clarity more productive than absolute confusion?

It is very frustrating to me to have her walking around with inaccurate interpretations of where I’m at personally. What good comes of that? I think communicating my feelings with absolute clarity would make me feel better too. I don’t want to look back on this calamity years down the road and feel that my lack of clarity led to the destruction of our family.

I know that a letter may seem as a bit of a “pursuit”. In some way it may push her away. I personally don’t see how she could be farther away from me than she is right now. She absolutely hates me because of things she has construed or misread in her head.

I know actions speak louder than words. I am acting as I think I should. I feel better about myself and still have work to do….a lot of it. I am being the best I can be given the circumstances.

I know anything I say or write or do is going to be met with skepticism. I know she probably won’t believe it. Maybe she will believe some of it. Maybe the words will help validate some of the actions she has witnessed over the past two months. Maybe it will help alleviate her tension if it diffuses a thought she has about me. That is her choice.

Still not saying I’m doing it, but these are my thoughts.

TG, I am trying to deal with and change a lot of my feelings. I have been bitter for a long time. Trying to view positives but my instincts are still negative. I appreciate the perspective.

[Reallyover]

I know the prior post may seem a bit argumentative. It's not meant to be. I am trying to figure out why a lot of my thoughts/gut feelings are not the best option for a lot of things. I'm a "gut guy" by nature. Maybe that's why my W is running like Forrest Gump.

[Truegritter]

My intentions, thoughts, feelings, and desires are completely jumbled in her head.

And you know this how? I know what she says and reacts to you but you know what we say around here believe none of what they say and half of what they do.

You are the bad guy right now. I know that is hard to except and you want to fight it and defend YOURSELF.

To her that IS what you are doing. As long as you are defending, explaining, justifying...

Really any sentence that contains me, my, I will be met with opposite view from her.

It is very frustrating to me to have her walking around with inaccurate interpretations of where I’m at personally.

I understand this feeling but really the only thing you can do is show her that you still beleive in your M. That you are committed to it.

Everything else is up to her. You can't control her or her thoughts however wrong YOU think they may be.

I want you to read what you posted up there and see how many times you used the words my, me, and I.

Followed by what you hope to control, communicate or accomplish.

It is good to have goals Really.

They must be things you control. Goals for you.

So what are your goals?

[Reallyover]

Thanks TG. I’d love to be able to control other people’s thoughts (scary thought)….especially hers right now. I know it’s not possible though. I do think we can influence them. It seems clearly defining my thoughts in writing is a better way to express my commitment to our M than trying to do so when she has the ability to react negatively during a conversation by screaming at me. A letter gives me the ability to get it all out there. It also gives her something to reference in the future that is not rewritten in her head.

I don’t know…I’m a “logical” thinker trying to figure out an illogical mess.

I’m working on myself foremost. I control myself only. Maybe that explains the I, me and mines…..

I don’t believe a lot of what she says but her words do make me think she doesn’t really understand what I feel. How can she possible say or think that I want this D? I know her head is screwed up but this is the type of BS that makes me think clarity is needed.

I think my big picture goals are simple:

Be the best Dad I can
Learn to express my feelings and be vulnerable
Be happy
Re-establish a meaningful career
Save my marriage
Be the best husband I can to my W or some woman in the future

[Truegritter]

Those are big picture.

Maybe be a little more specific.

What have you always wanted to do that you haven't done?

Me? When this happened I took horse riding lessons because I always wanted to learn to do that.

What things can you do to re-establish a meaningful career?

[Reallyover]

*Be the best Dad I can-spend quality time with them not just exist in their presence; hug them and tell them I love them; help them learn, and grow; share as many experiences with them as I can; teach them self respect and respect for others; teach them to chase their dreams

*Learn to express my feelings and be vulnerable-say things that I feel don’t just keep them to myself; share my fears; tell people I love that I do and show them

*Be happy-look for the positives in every situation; minimize my negative thoughts; enjoy other people’s joy especially my sons; live for today but plan for tomorrow; do things that I enjoy

*Re-establish a meaningful career-continue searching for a good job but start putting a real effort into my business

*Save my marriage-Do the above to the best of my ability

*Be the best husband I can to my W or some woman in the future-More of the above to the best of my ability

[Reallyover]

W just came into my room….not for a good reason . She is distraught. Can’t stand to be in the house. Wants to leave and thinks I’m basically evil for not letting her do so with the kids. Am I?

Tells me a ridiculous amount of times that she needs separation. I tell her to go. She won’t without the kids. Says she has legal rights and that I am trying to control the situation. I calmly tell her I am trying to do what’s best for the kids.

We do live together and I know it’s very difficult for her even though I have been cool as a little Fonzie 98+% of the time. She works out of the house which is an issue for her. I have an office off site I offered to her and she says it doesn’t help because “I’m there too”. I leave the house 3-4 nights a week to give her space and time with kids. She typically leaves the other nights (we do sleep at home). We just spent the last two weeks apart. I have taken several other vacations and trips to give her space. We see each other very little. WTH? Is this a manifestation of her guilt? That’s my best guess.

Anyway, we talk in circles for several minutes. I remained calm, her not so much. She was not yelling but clearly agitated.

She was crying and went into her room. I heard her kicking and punching in the bed like she was losing it……

She just came in and said she was “going for a drive”. I asked if she was ok and she said yes. Man I feel bad for her.