I've got 54 days to receive a miracle.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Antonia and Seeking. I also wanted to say a very big thank you AJ for the wonderful post above. You and everyone here has helped me so much.

Today is my day off so I thought I would catch everyone up on what has been going through my mind.

Basically, I'm kind of mad at myself for not seeing this coming. I can look back over the years and remember how W has wanted to be like everyone else. Or, she would meet someone and start a friendship and sort of "become" that person as far as their likes or dislikes. Her younger sister is the same way. I wonder when she will "snap." Very very weird. It's almost like she never knew who she was. In 25 years of marriage she has wanted to:

write children's books

be a teacher

be a stay at home mom

join the military

work for the forest service

join the roller derby

be an interior designer

be in sports medicine

work in Africa

be a biologist

Now....she wants to be a teacher again.

I really do think that some people are "pre-destined" for this mess. I think it is some kind of personality or character flaw. And the thing that [censored] is that there isn't a damn thing we can do about it.

I just wish I knew more about MLC sooner and that I could have seen it coming....

Tad

[MHL]

Hey Tad,

I just wanted to say that you did a great job yesterday!!!!

I am sorry it was a tough day but you did what you needed to do.

Bravo!!!!

Tomorrow is Little Friday!!!!

Cheers

[25yearsmlc]

The really good news is that you didn't reach out to her on "the day"--- which means it wasn't a "crap" day!!...it was a day of achievement.

IT was the first day you resisted getting your "fix for the immediate need" and put your long term goal ahead of that... GOOD JOB!!


The not so good news, is that your next post was all about HER, again.

I don't care about her dreams and plans & how they evolved or grew or changed....but btw, I found them more interesting than "weird". I am a L, and a teacher and a performer and I write and I have a pilot's license-so does h.

And who never wanted to work in Africa? H and I applied to the Peace Corps but I chose law school instead, so that's what I did.

Funny, you see this as unstable but obviously, I sure don't. The past 30 years have offered me the opportunities to grow and learn new things. I took as many of those opportunities as I could (within reason). I just figure I'm amazing and versatile & uber fascinating...

Don't see her varied interests as "weird" or that she's about to "snap" or that her sister is... whatever. I mean, what are you talking about there?

Never mind..

I am not sure what the point of all that was except that it was still you spending YOUR PRECIOUS ENERGY and remaining days til a "miracle" has to occur in your marriage "countdown" ---on HER and

what you think happened in the past, and the "why?"s of it all....

Too bad your energy isn't spent on you creating an interesting life for YOU & yours b/c

if she's half as interested in the real world out there, as you just described, then she wants more out of life than someone solely focussed on HER can provide...

Don't focus on HER...still...again...b/c she doesn't sound like the type of woman who wants a guy who 'mirrors' her,

she wants a man who brings something to the table other than HIS needs...

sigh...

So Tad, how are YOUR GAL and 180s going?

What ARE your 180s? (Not talking about HER so much? Focusing on your work and your life??

(SIGH!!! )

Please tell us TWO GAL activites that you have done or are doing.

If you don't have 2 yet... tell us 2 you are going to start, this week.


Look Tad, we tell you this stuff about "the program" b/c

we found that it worked for us. But WE cannot make you do it.

I don't even want to try to "make" someone do what is obviously good for them, if they cannot see it themselves.

If i did wanted to do that, I'd be going door to door talking about God.

YOU have to lift YOUR foot and

put it in front of the next one,

and TAKE A STEP

really soon

[AJM]

I wholeheartedly agree with 25 on this one. But I'll add that I think what you are doing is starting to see things differently. Kind of a post-mortem on the past 26 years. That's not unhealthy, Tad. It's part of the process and you are doing swimmingly.
What we keep trying to tell you is that you are not spending enough time on you (that we can see). Yet.

One question that keeps coming through your mind (most likely) is that of "did I marry the wrong or a flawed person" with the implication being, "can I avoid it in the future".

You need to answer that question. But I'll give you a hint: no.

This isn't about you. Yet. But the day of Tad is fast approaching. I can see it. You'll have to give yourself permission to allow it. To embrace it. To live it. You will. I can see that too.

In the meantime, we keep trying to help you see that later, 10 years from now maybe, you'll look back and wonder why you spent so much time worrying about things you couldn't control. You'll know why and you'll be at peace, but you'll wonder just the same.

It's ok. But remember that 10 years looking back, you have to be good with what your actions and your thoughts and your energy were used for. What you were doing it for. Habit? Addiction? Love? All of the above? Perhaps. And that's ok. But you cannot see what is going to happen nor can you control her actions or her reasons. You don't know the why and likely won't ever. Neither will she if I had to guess. Such is life.

But you will have to answer why you did things. Part of that is understanding your past history and looking for clues. You'll find them, because looking back it is always much easier to connect the dots, even if you're wrong. You will be wrong about some of it, but that's also ok. It's your life to live and your choice how you'll live it.

In my case, I resolved to fight until I no longer could justify fighting. I did that. I have NO regrets. You're the type to also have no regrets and it's hard to let that go.

One piece at a time, you must let things go. Reviewing your history is part of that process. Looking forward in your life, having hopes, dreams, etc that are for YOU is also part of that. That's why we ask, what you want. What you really want. What you want from life first, and then from other areas in that life. Right now, I don't think you really know what you want from life. Honestly. You're in flux and coming out of a lot of shock.

Could you have seen it coming? Again, a hint: no. Will you keep trying to figure it out for a while? Most likely, but don't spend too much time on the why and focus on the what and your future as a man. The rest will fall into place whether or not you want it to

Be at peace and enjoy the little friday and the weekend my friend.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks MHL, 25 and AJ.

25, I agree that it is great for people to want to do so many things with their lives. I just brought it up because she took a children's writing course and then dropped it. She took an interior design course and spend hundreds of dollars and then dropped it. She joined a forest service club and then dropped it. She became President of an environmental group at ASU and then resigned. I also agree that I am spending too much time "wondering." As for my GAL activities.....not much except working my tail off. I was invited to a baseball game with some people at my work coming up in a few weeks. I just might go.

MHL and AJ, thank you for the kind words. You guys are an inpiration. BTW - AJ, I saw a license plate today that simply said "AJM." You sure you're not visiting Arizona?

Here is an update and I would like some advice as to what I should do.

W is still checking my FB page. I never deleted or blocked her like we talked about on here a few weeks ago because of what MHL said about possibly sending the "wrong message." I want to avoid doing that.

My anniversary was yesterday. Last night, a female friend that has given me a ton of advice and support posted on my page:

Friend: "Well?"

(She was asking if I had sent the letter that I wrote to my wife. Because I told her that I wasn't sure if I was going to.)

This morning I responded with:

"I decided not to. I have my reasons. Plus, my position has been clearly stated. She knows where I stand."

So.....this afternoon, I get this email from w:

"You decided not to.....what?"

That is all it said. Now my question is: do I tell her that I was going to send her a letter or what? Do I even respond?

Any help on this one?

Tad

[♪CS♪]

If any response at all. I think most appropriate would be...

"huh?"

BTW. Is this friend of yours on FB friends with her as well?

Regardless.

Keep this kind of this OFF FB.

Did you actually want her to see it?

[25yearsmlc]

Tad
think for yourself a minute now...you know this one...(Hear the Jeaopardy Theme music now...la la dee, la la dee, la da da dee dee de dee de la la dee, la la dee, la dee da dee da de dee dee da da dee!...) Times up!... Sorry if I buthered those "lyrics" but here we go...


You do not tell her...(If you tell her about the letter, then you may as well have sent it!) You DO recall all the reasons that was a bad bad idea right?? Don't backslide...read the "rules" again and again...

FB--

Why are you posting this on your WALL? Send this stuff to your friend via a private message, for future reference.

This is an unecessary "problem" b/c it's all self inflicted and easily prevented. And tell your friend to be a little more discreet too...sheesh

So you either ignore her question or you make a joke.

You "decided NOT to:

1) get the sex change after all, or

2) rob a bank b/c money is tight,

3) to run for President b/c you already have plans for next year and don't want to move to the White House with that huge loss of privacy and papparazzi all around, (but geez, think of the savings on the commute!) That's tough to give up...

4) then act like you really don't even recall what your friend was talking about ---unless it's the TV show you two were discussing Not watching in favor of some other one...and blah blah blah (NOT her business anyhow..)


Under no circumstances would/should you tell her. Period. End of discussion...really

So now...

Let's move on to your next topic...YOUR GAL efforts...

Tad yes, by all means go to the game. "Just might go"....well, Why wouldn't you? Is there some secret danger in having fun?
Do The tickets cost $1000?? Do You secretly hate the team?? The sport??? What's the big deal Tad? Come on now...

this isn't even "putting yourself out there", it's just saying yes to an invite...

Hey Tad, let's Start saying "YES" to the universe!!

I challenge you to Accept ALL invites for the next 6 months (at least 90 days??)

and see what happens Tad. Say YES! to the universe, Tad...

A year from now you will be in a very different (and happier!) place than you are now.

You might just be surprised at how welcoming a place the universe is.

[25yearsmlc]

What CS said...I had not seen it when I posted.

so Tad, you are clear on this, right? Good...

[AntoniaB]

I agree with 25years and CS about the FB thing. Get that stuff off the wall for good from this point on and either don't respond or make a joke. If you say "huh" she'll probably explain it which will make you think she REALLY must want to know about your letter and you'll cave and tell her.

I love the idea of making a joke out of it. Shows you haven't lost your sense of humor in a rough time and that there is some mystery about you.....

Nothing good can come of telling her.

Here's what MIGHT happen:

Tad: "I was going to send you a letter on our anniv. but I chose not to."

W: "What was in the letter?"

Tad: "Just stating that I really wanted to work things out and that I wanted to remember our anniversary."

W: "I told you I was done."

You don't want that. You don't need that.

And go to the game. Go to anything you get asked to go to. Believe me, it helps take your mind off things when you start socializing with people regularly. It's kind of hard to dwell on the pain when people are all around you talking about their own issues, being silly, laughing, whatever. Back when I was in your time frame I used to go visit family and say "can someone just talk about crap going on in their life so I know it's not just me who has issues to deal with?"

[tadpole1025]

To answer the question, no I do not want her to see it and no W and friend are not friends. My friend is a little "dense" in the FB department.

I think if I do respond, I'll make a joke out of it, but I am not responding until tomorrow. If I respond at all.....

Tad