Acting different

[angel61]

HI Confused,

You wrote in my thread so I checked out your thread and I can see that your H acts so much like how mine did. Its a push and pull, a pursuit and distance dance. Thats what I think is happening. I am glad for you that he is acting attentive right now, but please don't get your expectations up. I went through so many cycles, and when my H was being nice and attentive, it would last for around 2 wks to a month and then the coaster would go down again. This MLC thing takes time. You have been GAL'ing, you H is noticing, you have been giving up control, he is peeking out of the tunnel to see what is going on with you. Plus maybe he does think of your upcoming anniversary. My H does act like that when special events are coming up - my birthday, our anniversary - he even threw a nice party for me the first birthday after the bomb, bought me a nice gift, and we even ML! but afterwards, it was back to the same old thing. And the A still went on.....and he goes on with his up and down thing.

Just a few things that I will share with you on how I have been able to make it through the 1 year mark as of now:

1. Detach, detach, detach - essential if you want to have a shot at saving your M. The only way you can get off the coaster. Whether good times or bad times, train yourself not to react, and not to have your happiness depend on him. I think basing on your post to me you got this already. I know this, but to be honest, it is so hard to do, but one can only try and try again.

2. Let him make his decisions - if he wants to leave the M, let it come from him. Many of these MLC'ers are just waiting for the LBS to make the decision so that they will not be blamed for the dissolution of the M. Sometimes I have the feeling that they make life hard for us LBS'ers so that we will be the one to push them off that cliff.... that they will not do it themselves. I read somewhere in this boards that the fate of the marriage in most cases is in the LBS hands, not the WAS. FYI, my H also used to threaten me with D everytime I backslid, or when we had emotional arguments, etc. but the few times (around 3 x) that I actually took him up on it, he backed off. He told me that D was too drastic a step, too many people will be affected (to think he first brought it up).

3. Time is your friend - it took a long time for things to come to this point, it won't be solved in a few months.

This is your journey too, and we learn our lessons too, as we both know that we aso played a big role in what happened. Just like you, my H says I am controlling, and I too admit it. And control is not just what we ask them to say or do, its eveything we do, whether we mean it or not, that influences them to do something. Like saying I love you - it is controlling, because it makes them feel guilty, or frustrated, or pressured because they cannot say the same thing back to us.

About your anniversary: When ours came up, I asked my H is we were going to celebrate it. I put the decision on him, but went along with what he wanted. In our case he said yes, we were going to church then lunch out with D12. I did not give a card or any gift, but D did.

I sort of looked on it as a "family" celebration, not about the two of us. Remember that you won't have your kids if not for this.