Thanks, lc and jb. Your support means a lot. ((()))
Unfortunately, I think my rollercoaster is about to head into another dip. And this is going to be a big one. I think I knew this would happen eventually, but the timing of this one has really caught me off guard, because I didn't think H would be this cruel. Apparently, I was wrong.
He's been trying (sort of) since the last time I posted, but the other day, he disappeared after his counselling appointment for a few hours. (He texts me as to his whereabouts quite frequently so I knew he was purposely out of contact.) That was my first clue that the dip was approaching.
Later that night, he told me his IC didn't think he had dealt with the death of his mother and had just shoved his pain down, and also felt he was stuck in the anger stage of grieving. I listened and offered my support. He started crying so hard, he couldn't catch his breath and said he needed to go to bed.
The next day, he seemed fine for the most part. Only slightly distracted but I expected that much.
My anxiety has dissipated slightly as I've been keeping busy and GAL'ing so I've been doing fairly well at keeping my emotions in check. Well, until last night...
Today is our anniversary. Yesterday, H asked me if I had thought about significance of the day. I said it had crossed my mind and I had wondered if he was going to want it to be acknowledged. (Truthfully, I hadn't really given it that much thought because I knew I'd feel strange about celebrating it myself). He said he thought we should still celebrate but next weekend. Without thinking, I blurted out that I didn't want to celebrate if it was going to be our last. H again said, he thought we should celebrate it even though the last couple years had not been out best. He then asked if I agreed that our M had not been good for years. I said yes.
Then he once again asked me for my list of issues with him. I lost my patience and asked him why he kept wanting to go over this list and if he was just trying to built a case for leaving. He got angry and said he was trying to understand me. I said, I didn't understand what he was doing because he still had not responded to my letter. I said as far as I can tell you could be going to counselling to get up the courage to leave. He said that wasn't the case. I said, "Well when you tell me you don't like and respect me and that you can't see yourself growing old with me NUMEROUS TIMES, and then keep dumping all this negativity on me, what do you expect me to think?" He again reiterated he didn't accept my letter. I said, "Yes, but then you go right back to being distant and dumping more negativity on me. I said not once during all this have you given me a positive response that wasn't preceded by negativity so I really have no idea where you're going with all this, AND then you get angry when I ask you to clarify why you want to go over my LIST again?" Okay, not my best moment and I know I lost it but I felt like I was losing my mind. I'm so tired of our circular conversations. He never really lets me know what he's thinking unless it's completely negative and then suddenly he's really competent at communicating. My frustration got the better of me. Clearly.
Anyway, last night wasn't good. I know that. He admitted he doesn't know why he is the way he is. I'm not sure I can live with this any longer and given his reaction this morning, I have a feeling he is going to bomb drop on our Anniversary.
He was still in bed at noon. He had texted our daughter an hour earlier so I knew he was awake. Apparently, I decided to go down in flames because I texted him to let him know that I knew he was avoiding me. He responded that he couldn't sleep last night. I responded with, "Of course not because you can't handle our anniversary". I know, I know. Bad DB'ing but this is round two of this drama. I did this 10 years ago and I'm not sure he will ever really be able to handle normal relationship problems without withdrawing or vacillating, and that erodes the trust. I take full responsibility for my contributions. However, his lack of communication skills and emotional immaturity (and games) have contributed to my feeling of disconnection in our M. Not that I haven't reacted badly at times but I spend a lot of time trying to control my reactions to his drama and it's getting tiring.
My anxiety is back in full force.
H just walked in. No time to proof-read so please excuse any errors.
