Telemark, yes I definitely think it's a good thing H is spending his "withdrawing" time with our S7. It could be worse - he could be barhopping or searching for OW's.
Psych, awesome post, as always. You are absolutely right. I think I'm not showing neediness because I don't cry, plead, beg, and I believe that I always speak with confidence (even when I'm upset), but I am allowing H to control my happiness. I have a good life despite the stuff going on in my M. Great friends, great kids. Love, love, love my career... so it's time to start focusing on all that again.
And thanks for the support, jb.
Yesterday was good. I took Psych's advice and GAL'ed so I wasn't around to worry about when H was coming home. In fact, he texted me repeatedly to find out what I was doing and when I was coming home. I took my D16 with me and we had a great day doing girly stuff. Shopping for make-up and skin products. Then went for iced coffee and a walk in the afternoon, and a nice dinner in the evening. It was good. We got home shortly before 10pm.
H has been very attentive and sweet for the past few days. He keeps smiling at me and showing more a lot more affection than he has in the past year. It's a little unnerving because as Telemark mentioned, it could just be the whole "go away, come here" dynamic at play. Time will tell.
Anyway, H took the kids up to his Dad's today. It's a 4 hour drive and he was going to drive back today, but he decided to spend the night. He asked me to come with him but his Dad's place is small, and it was certainly a positive that H even asked, so I told him to go and have a nice time without me. I'm going to use the time to get some things done and relax. And I think I need a little alone time.
Yesterday was good. I took Psych's advice and GAL'ed so I wasn't around to worry about when H was coming home. In fact, he texted me repeatedly to find out what I was doing and when I was coming home. I took my D16 with me and we had a great day doing girly stuff. Shopping for make-up and skin products. Then went for iced coffee and a walk in the afternoon, and a nice dinner in the evening. It was good. We got home shortly before 10pm.
E - Fantastic!! Nice job GAL'ing!
Originally Posted By: Endeavour
H has been very attentive and sweet for the past few days. He keeps smiling at me and showing more a lot more affection than he has in the past year. It's a little unnerving because as Telemark mentioned, it could just be the whole "go away, come here" dynamic at play. Time will tell.
Sounds like you're doing at least something that's working. But Telemark's a wise man. Many of us have experience exactly that dynamic before. Enjoy it now, but be prepared for the pull-back.
Oh jb, I am definitely always preparing for a pull-back which probably explains my constant anxiety. I almost think it's worse when things are going well because anticipating another bomb is horribly unnerving too.
Anyway, a few positives to report this morning... but I'm still only cautiously optimistic.
H and I were alone in the house last night (as the kids are still at their Grandfather's). We prepared dinner together and enjoyed it on the patio, but the conversation wasn't the most pleasant as we talked a lot about some family issues that have bothered both of us over the years. Specifically, his sister and her selfish behaviour.
He admitted that he had given up on her recently which is why he rarely spoke to her anymore. But he thanked me for making an effort with her over the years and added that he appreciated that I had done my best to nurture that relationship. We also talked about how some family members seemed to have drifted apart since his mother died, and that it was unfortunate and sad. It felt positive in the sense that H seemed to be attempting to talk more openly about "issues" and feelings, even those that don't pertain directly to our R. And that it was him that brought up the unpleasant conversation.
This morning after breakfast he asked if I would mind if he went fishing before he picked up the kids. The question caught me off caught, and I replied that he didn't need my permission if he wanted to go fishing. He said he knew that but that he had decided to come home yesterday from his Dad's, even though it would have been nice to spend more time with him because he was concerned about me and didn't want me to feel anxious or alone. Again, I was left speechless (a rarity for me). He then told me that he wanted to hear my thoughts about this, and to not worry about expressing myself perfectly.
I said, "Honestly, even when you're here, I feel anxious, but I don't want you to spend time with me out of obligation or guilt. I want you to spend time with me only if it's what you truly want to do." He said that in the past he hasn't wanted to at times, but now he does, but that he understands that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times because it's a process, and because we haven't been close for a long time. Then he asked for a hug.
Hi, sweet E. Just wanted to drop in and see how my crazy train friend was doing. Sounds like things are going as well as they can...cautious optimism is good, but I know what you mean about anxiety about the next bomb. I always picture my sitch as a rollercoaster....we will be going up, up, up for so long, things better than ever before; yet, I know that huge dip is just in front of me and will catch me off guard when I least expect it. And that trip down to the depths is the worst. I suppose in your sitch the crazy train is going along through some beautiful countryside right now, but you never know when the long, dark, curvy, hilly tunnel is just ahead. Yep, I know what you are going through, girlfriend!
You're doing a great job at DB'ing. I join you in your cautious optimism. People can change; it happens all the time. I am prayerful that is the case with your husband.
Part of me's thinking your letter really knocked him on his heels. I think he's feeling some of that anxiety you're also feeling. I'm hoping he sticks with his IC and ultimately you two will be able to get a good MC and stick with it. Unfortunately, you're probably going to have that anxiety for some time.
I can see how it's hard to shift gears when you've been walking on eggshells for so long.
Keep working on your GAL. I have found it's the best thing to relieve the anxiety. GAL to the point where you feel like you're finding yourself.
Thanks, lc and jb. Your support means a lot. ((()))
Unfortunately, I think my rollercoaster is about to head into another dip. And this is going to be a big one. I think I knew this would happen eventually, but the timing of this one has really caught me off guard, because I didn't think H would be this cruel. Apparently, I was wrong.
He's been trying (sort of) since the last time I posted, but the other day, he disappeared after his counselling appointment for a few hours. (He texts me as to his whereabouts quite frequently so I knew he was purposely out of contact.) That was my first clue that the dip was approaching.
Later that night, he told me his IC didn't think he had dealt with the death of his mother and had just shoved his pain down, and also felt he was stuck in the anger stage of grieving. I listened and offered my support. He started crying so hard, he couldn't catch his breath and said he needed to go to bed.
The next day, he seemed fine for the most part. Only slightly distracted but I expected that much.
My anxiety has dissipated slightly as I've been keeping busy and GAL'ing so I've been doing fairly well at keeping my emotions in check. Well, until last night...
Today is our anniversary. Yesterday, H asked me if I had thought about significance of the day. I said it had crossed my mind and I had wondered if he was going to want it to be acknowledged. (Truthfully, I hadn't really given it that much thought because I knew I'd feel strange about celebrating it myself). He said he thought we should still celebrate but next weekend. Without thinking, I blurted out that I didn't want to celebrate if it was going to be our last. H again said, he thought we should celebrate it even though the last couple years had not been out best. He then asked if I agreed that our M had not been good for years. I said yes.
Then he once again asked me for my list of issues with him. I lost my patience and asked him why he kept wanting to go over this list and if he was just trying to built a case for leaving. He got angry and said he was trying to understand me. I said, I didn't understand what he was doing because he still had not responded to my letter. I said as far as I can tell you could be going to counselling to get up the courage to leave. He said that wasn't the case. I said, "Well when you tell me you don't like and respect me and that you can't see yourself growing old with me NUMEROUS TIMES, and then keep dumping all this negativity on me, what do you expect me to think?" He again reiterated he didn't accept my letter. I said, "Yes, but then you go right back to being distant and dumping more negativity on me. I said not once during all this have you given me a positive response that wasn't preceded by negativity so I really have no idea where you're going with all this, AND then you get angry when I ask you to clarify why you want to go over my LIST again?" Okay, not my best moment and I know I lost it but I felt like I was losing my mind. I'm so tired of our circular conversations. He never really lets me know what he's thinking unless it's completely negative and then suddenly he's really competent at communicating. My frustration got the better of me. Clearly.
Anyway, last night wasn't good. I know that. He admitted he doesn't know why he is the way he is. I'm not sure I can live with this any longer and given his reaction this morning, I have a feeling he is going to bomb drop on our Anniversary.
He was still in bed at noon. He had texted our daughter an hour earlier so I knew he was awake. Apparently, I decided to go down in flames because I texted him to let him know that I knew he was avoiding me. He responded that he couldn't sleep last night. I responded with, "Of course not because you can't handle our anniversary". I know, I know. Bad DB'ing but this is round two of this drama. I did this 10 years ago and I'm not sure he will ever really be able to handle normal relationship problems without withdrawing or vacillating, and that erodes the trust. I take full responsibility for my contributions. However, his lack of communication skills and emotional immaturity (and games) have contributed to my feeling of disconnection in our M. Not that I haven't reacted badly at times but I spend a lot of time trying to control my reactions to his drama and it's getting tiring.
My anxiety is back in full force.
H just walked in. No time to proof-read so please excuse any errors.
It means you are human! And, you are one of the most patient humans I know of! So you lost your cool...hey, it happens. He's lucky you're still around to blow your top in the first place!
If you feel like you did or said anything you need to apologize for, then do so. Ask for forgiveness and then let it go. Don't get pulled down into his pity party/stay in bed until noon/game-playing "stuff." Get your groove back. Get back to GAL'ing and taking care of the kids, life in general. Try to work with the anxiety. Meditate if that helps, pray, go for a walk, read a good book, see a mindless movie, go to lunch with a girlfriend, WHATEVER works to get you through the rough moments. Re-evaluate your goals and what seems to be working/not working for you. Make the necessary changes and get back on track.
You've been doing awesome, and you will bounce back from this. As always, I got your back.
I think your frustration just came to a head, was bottled up, and had to come out sometime. Sure - you backslid in the DB'ing, but we all do from time to time. You just have to realize you did it, and if you had it do again, you may have done it differently. Take this as an opportunity to learn.
It actually sounds to me like your H is still reeling from the letter. I think it's possible he may be repeatedly asking for your list because he's trying to get it right. One thing I got from by DB coach is he said we have the freedom to choose the positive or negative spin of any situation. Since we have this freedom, we might as well choose the positive.
Hopefully that makes some sense It's 12:30am here.
Try not to focus on what he's going to do or not going to do. Focus back on yourself. Be the best E you can possibly be. Just like lc4 said - get back to life and GAL. This may go a long way in alleviating the anxiety.
Well, I know you're all going to be so surprised but H dropped the bomb again on our anniversary. Happy Anniversary to me. He's such a peach.
Once again it was the "I can't do this anymore", "I can't see myself growing old with you", "I don't want to hurt you and the kids" blah blah blah...
Oh, and apparently it was also because our anniversary was symbol of the passage of time which made him realize that he couldn't do this anymore. Big turn around from his speech about how it's going to take time for us to feel close again from two nights ago.
Another shocker -- after dropping the bomb, we talked and he asked what I needed and wanted in a man. My LIST again? Seriously? I have read so many stitches on this board and I have never read one that comes close to mine. If anyone has, please direct me to it because I need to read it.
So I gave him my list again about needing a strong man, and a man I could trust and a man with emotional maturity and some depth. Along with some other qualities such as supporting me in my career (which H already does), spending time with me, etc.
H responded that my list didn't seem insurmountable. Then gave me his list and told me what he needed, and somehow the conversation got around to would I actually be willing, and could I meet his needs.
He once again mentioned that he didn't feel like I loved him for the past couple years, and that I had looked down upon him and judged him. That he didn't feel good enough. He said he felt like I had become so much more confident in recent years due to my career, and he believed that one day I'd wake up and realize that I could do better and I'd just leave anyway. He said he thought I was with him because I met him during a time period in my life when I had low self-esteem. (True but I can't say my self-esteem is handling these bomb drops all that well).
I'm wondering if he's just trying to put all the blame on me and play the victim or if he truly feels this way?
Anyway, I haven't told him I loved him during all this (and for at least a year) because I didn't want to pursue as this is our dynamic. He said in the past, he felt like he was always the one to say "I love you" so when I mentioned last year that I needed to hear it more, he admitted he was being stubborn by refusing to say it.
He then said, "I do love you, E" and I replied that I loved him too.
He said that it felt good to hear that I loved him.
What the heck is his problem?
And someone please tell me what this man wants because for the life of me I can't figure it out. I have stood by him. Obviously, I love him, and yet he keeps telling me he's leaving.
Round and round we go.
This morning he went for another walk along the river, and then texted me about how he was thinking about everything we had talked about last night, and how I was so much better at processing things than him. He said he wanted to read that "Hold onto your Nuts" book (which I mentioned I had bought for him during our conversation last night.
I was not in a good place and completely emotionally exhausted so I texted back that I was so tired of living in fear and could he please just go already. That he didn't need to worry about me. That I would be fine eventually.
He texted back that it was horrible that we both didn't feel loved and that it must have been awful to live in fear for so long and could we please talk later because he had some responses so my observations.
I haven't responded because I don't know how much more I can take of this back and forth without completely losing it. I feel like I have nothing left to give. But then I think of my kids because so far they have no idea this is happening and even wished us a Happy Anniversary yesterday.
Anyway, lc4, you are such a sweetheart. Thank-you. ((())) Jb, you are the best. ((()))
I don't know what I'd do without this board because I've chosen to spare my friends this drama. Quite frankly, it's also because I'm embarrassed. However, they're starting to realize something is up. One of my good friends texted me today to ask me why I seemed to distant lately, and added that she's worried about me. I told her we would meet up for coffee soon. I'm really dreading talking about this sitch because everyone thinks my life is so perfect.
It's 12:30am here.