Preseason has begun...just trying to make the cut

[♪CS♪]

is this then just a bit of tit for tat?

I also don't to be so "cold"

Are your actions coming from a place of love?

If so... then....

bitterness?

Then...

tell em I love em and beyond that, wouldn't be able to participate.

Remember this?

You already did the first part. And you can keep doing it without saying it again.

And then...

wouldn't mind Starsky's take but he probably gave up on me a long time ago.

He stayed with me for 6 months.

He'll be back

[MadeToSucceed]

Feeling some kind of way tonight. At a friend's house but pretty much just watching tv on the couch. Thinking about her a lot today since she runs in about 45 minutes. Doing everything I can to resist reaching out to her. Just feels uncomfortable. She hasn't run in a race without me wishing her well in 7 years...even during all of this nonsense the past 4 months I've continued to make sure my support has been shown. I know what you're saying though CS.

When I was talking about the bitterness I was referring to her. My actions are coming from love. But what I'm saying is am I potentially missing an opportunity to express that without saying ILY by "verbalizing" my support? That's where my other questions and the bitterness part came from...meaning if I don't contact her will she get more bitter since she sent me that email and I didn't respond? If she performs well do I congratulate her? If she doesn't perform well do I "console" her? Or do I just do nothing regardless? This is what I mean...does my lack of action risk more "bitterness" from her? I know there may be no true answer to some of these questions...just stuff running through my head on a Saturday night.

[westcoastfella]

Believe me, Made, as soon as I read your W's message of contrition, I began wondering the same thing kind of thing for you! In my opinion (you totally don't have to go with this, just throwing out ideas here), replying in itself isn't all that bad. As long as the tone doesn't sound TOO friendly, I think you're fine. In reading your earliest communications with your W, they sound very "nice," A.K.A. "eager to please" -- the kind of tone that secretly says, "I want very much for you to come back. Please be with me! I'll love you better than anyone else, I swear!" This tone is something that I realized that I was adopting in trying to be "super best-friends" with my W. There's a big difference between being "nice" and being "kind" -- a HUGE difference, really.

In summation: If you choose to reply, be kind, but scale back the loving sentiments. I'm betting that she'll notice that they're missing, just as they've been missing in your later text exchanges.

In other news, great job on the career hook-up, my friend! Also, great job in the positive affirmations for yourself. It's easy to feel down in the dumps when the W trashes you and leaves you for someone else. This is something that I'm currently struggling with as well, but if we keep up the positive self-talk, I know we'll make ourselves better than before, brother.

[MadeToSucceed]

My W did not perform well in her major competition. In fact she performed worse than she has in years and others she typically does better than did much better than she did. I watched it live because part of me still wants to support her and express my love. But I still have not reached out to her. I felt for her because I know she's got to be hurting but at the same time, I felt a sense of "guilt" (for lack of a better word) for not "feeling" the same type of pain for her that I would typically feel under "normal" circumstances.

A friend contacted me today and told me she's formally changed her name back to her maiden on fb has even clicked the "unmarried" icon. Trivial, I know, but it's another public affirmation. I was also told she's telling people within the last 24 hours (AFTER her competition) that she had to be woman enough to walk away because I was doing things that would never change...which further reinforces my thoughts that she was sending me a self serving email...it's almost as if now she's trying to rationalize it away even FURTHER...to the extent where she wants to place the blame on me. If she'd truly forgiven me as she says, there'd be no need to continue to hold me at fault.

I feel like I'm in dangerous spot. I'm having tons of emotions running through me. When we're in mediation they're going to ask why we're getting a divorce. Irreconcilable differences is not why. Nothing biblical is why. She filed, not me. I'm feeling as if I'm part of the problem, with the church and society, if I just let it go.

Almost like it reinforces her "I got away with it" mentality. I almost want to be able to say on record: "I don't want to be divorced. I love my wife. I want no part of a divorce. But if that is what she wants, my response is not because of irreconcilable diff but rather adultery. I do not want an extra dime than what I'm entitled but I'm not comfortable essentially pretending/lying about what is taking place."

I feel like on one hand, let God handle her and the situation. On another I feel like I'm part of the problem if I essentially "cover it up." I know that no one can answer this for me and it's a decision I have to make for myself but I'm not in a "good place" and I have been for the past week or so. The last few days have been difficult and unsettling for me and I'm just not sure the direction I want to take.

[♪CS♪]

MTS, it sounds to me like you are going through some of the anger phase.

This is normal. You really do need to let yourself feel all of the different emotions this stuff causes.

The trick is, not acting on them. Just feel them.

Then take time to think things through clearly before taking action.

[MadeToSucceed]

Got two unknown phone calls...I was in class so I assumed it was her...checked my email and here it was:

H,

I left you a voicemail about 10 min ago regarding this as well. I know that you have had your mail forwarded to you, so the the renters checks will be sent to you. I don't know how you want to handle it.. It would probably be best if the check(s) were cashed, and perhaps you can meet up with my friend, or you can have whom ever meet up with them to give the money, so it can be put in my account. I will have the renter contacted, so that future checks will not be made out to you, so that we don't have to run into the inconvenience again. I would appreciate a response so that we can coordinate this in a timely yet civil manner. We can set up a time to discuss it, and or any other thing that needs to be taken care of on skype if you want, or we can communicate thru email. Just let me know something soon, so I know how to proceed. I look forward to hearing from you.

-W

Each week she's been gone she's tried to contact me once a week about something she's thought of that needs to take place....things that could've taken place back when she was here but spending time going to see OM when I was trying to handle it.

I'm still not going to respond. Just going to sign the checks over to her and put them in the mail. I feel like she's just trying to get a response from me to see what I'm thinking or whatever. Not going to give her that power. It's not fair to me and my process of trying to piece my life together.

[westcoastfella]

Made, I have two comments on this.

About your W's negative behavior after the e-mail: The rollercoaster abounds, my friend. I have a strong feeling that she's trying to hold onto as much negative energy about YOU as possible in order to make herself feel better about what she's done. I can't read my W's mind, but from what I've seen and heard, she's been changing it around a lot so that I come out looking like the bad guy. From what I hear, there's a chance that their attempts to cover up their own guilt will fail one day. When it comes to an A, it always has to, especially if they were good people to begin with. Lies to the self only last so long before they wear thin.

About your W's contacts: I get this one plenty. Like I've noted in my thread, my W has contacted me almost once a week for over a month about stuff that doesn't really need to be discussed in detail. I have little doubt that our W's, despite their behavior, are very much curious to know what we're thinking and feeling. That intimate connection to us doesn't just disappear overnight, and the more we hold out, the more it probably draws them back to it.

[MadeToSucceed]

Been still trying to pour over the options on the adultery thing. I do want the truth to be told. Since we are going to mediation and not trial (I'm hoping it never gets that far...honestly would love if it never got to mediation but it doesn't appear that way) I'm talking to my lawyer about options.

I think I am going to be certain that I am not signing off on something for irreconcilable differences. In all honesty, that is for ME and not her. I feel as if I do that, I'm perpetuating a lie. So for me, it's not about me inflicting pain on her but rather me being true to myself and protecting myself. At the end of the day, if it is determined I deserve a disproportionate amount, I have the option to reject that and say I only want the standard 50%. But I do want to be on record that I am not the one that sought this divorce nor am I the one that filed suite.

I have completely abandoned the pursuing because I do fully realize there is nothing I can "do" to change her heart/mind in this. Again, being faith driven, I've left that in God's hands to work and to be honest, I personally feel like He's been trying to get her attention...first through her injury earlier this summer and now through her recent performance. I do not KNOW that to be true because I'm not God but I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought that.

Today has been tough because she went on facebook and changed her name back to her maiden name (even though we aren't divorced) and she unfriended me. I know that probably seems trivial to many of you but it struck at my heart yet again. She's even told people that I did things and wasn't going to change so she had to "be woman enough to walk away." I've been gradually getting better of the past few weeks but the past few days have been rough on me.

[MHL]

She's even told people that I did things and wasn't going to change so she had to "be woman enough to walk away."

Hey MTS,

You should not mind read, so as the disclaimer goes.....

Don't try this at home........

I will do it for you......okay????

Look, she knows she did wrong. There is no way for her to reconcile it. The bullch!t on facebook is more for her than it is for anyone else.

She knows down inside what she did and how wrong it is and the truth of the matter is that no matter what she says is wrong with you, she had her part in it too........that will haunt her......forever. The other thing that will haunt her is her infidelity.......it is something she will carry forward into any relationship she enters into, even if that relationship is with you. It will creep in like a theif in the night......there will always be that shame.

It will burden her forever. The other thing that will haunt her is the fact that you stood for your marriage in the face of her infidelity.......there comes a point in the life of the WAW where she is no longer running from you but rather from the guilt..........your W is an athlete........on her best day she will never out run that GUILT.

Now, that being said, she must have had some valid complaints about you and instead of doing the mature thing and discussing the issues with you, she had an affair. Make sure you have taken a hard look at those things and you do something about them for YOU.

AND

If there is anything else you want to change about YOU, now is the time to make it happen......YOU are the captain of YOUR life.

Here is the thing that you may stand and be proud of......you can say that you did everything you could to save your marriage, what can she say?????

Whatever it is it will be a lie and she knows it.......there is no escaping it.

One day she will grow tired of running against an opponent she can not beat........

THEN

She will have to face what she has done............that is why we leave them alone.......the more we interact with them the longer it will take for her to grow tired of running the race.

I can tell you my XW is figuring that out just in the last week and it has been more than 2 years..........truth is I probably prolonged it with my words and actions.

It was not until I completely "let go" that she had the time and freedom to "live the lie" for a while..........they have to live it to realize that if they cannot convince themselves of the bullch!t they are shoveling probably no one else is either.

Hope this helps.

Cheers

[♪CS♪]

^^^^ So good.

We are the first thing they blame. So when we take ourselves out of the picture. They need to find something else.

Change her name on FB. Then....

Self justify. Oh wait....Then....

You'll see more.

It needs to run it's course. But the quicker we can take away #1. The quicker they will get through the cycle.

Peace man.