Pretty sure this is a MLC or Identity Crisis

[25yearsmlc]

btw

I have never truly understood why my h did what he did.

But we choose to focus going "from this day forward" rather than seeking out answers I doubt exist

or would satisfy me.

Just saying don't spend too much time on all the "WHYs?" of it.

GAL and take care of YOU.

I worked one summer at a children's cancer camp and met 10 y/o Becky. She told me she had asked God:

"Why? Why ME God, why, why, why?? I kept asking 'why',

but finally I said 'I just am' and it's important for me to have fun while I can..."

She did have fun that summer and it was her last.

Learn from this child's wisdom. Life is short. Accept that you may never understand her reasons, let alone come to peace with them.

Accept that what is, is.

Live as well as YOU can.

[tested metal]

Well, the W has been hammering me the last few days saying she is going to meet with a lawyer and file for a D. I can see that things are really going downhill for her because she told me she is now in danger of losing her job because she is "f-ing up."

Through this all I am pretty proud of myself, I have reduced my defensiveness and have validated like crazy. I find myself detaching more because her behavior is getting worse and detaching is getting easier... for now.

I have been working on myself in the areas of losing 5 pounds since my last post, reading and being comforted by the resources that are in this thread, spending more time with my daughter, and reconnecting with old long lost friends.

I truely now believe that my W is going through some crazy stuff that has a lot to do with MLC and there is nothing I can do to help her. I am preparing myself for moving in 2 weeks and now she has announced that she is probably moving too. I am becoming more comfortable with my decisions.

I am most proud of myself today because when I went to separate our cell phone accounts, she ranted at me because she would have to have a $400 deposit for her account (because her credit stinks do to her spending habits). She blamed me for the whole thing because she was not a account manager (which the company would not let us do anyway). Due to it really affecting the livelihood of our daughter and would definately push W away, I opted to keep her on the plan until she can get her credit up, but warned her that if she did not pay her share to me on time, she would be cut off. I validated like crazy while she ranted and did not get defensive. That is a huge step for me.

Hopefully I can continue that tomorrow.

[sleeper]

...cell phone accounts...She blamed me...

Get used to it. You will be blamed for everything. My X even blamed me for the amount her lawyer charged her even though we agreed between ourselves and nothing was contested or went to court.

Here's the "catch 22." If she doesn't get everything she wants or has difficulty she will blame and flame you. If you protect her from the consequences of her actions to avoid her spew or because you feel sorry for her you become a sort of enabler (i.e. doormat). At the same time you must accept that your actions or inaction will have no effect on her choices. She's gonna do what she's gonna do.

My heart goes out to you as the two of you have a child, therefore complete detatchment and going completely dark are impossible (I've been there/done that).

It's like being handcuffed to a madman.

[Walking]

It's like being handcuffed to a madman.

made me lol.

[tested metal]

Well I think the handcuffs are being cut a little more. After I found out that several bills in my name were due immediately or services would be shut off (which she insisted previously to have total control over paying the bills), I informed W that if future services in my name aren't paid on time, they would be cut off, by me. She blew a gasket, then calmly informed me that she found a phone and a phone plan for cheaper, so I can drop her this friday. (Thank God!) She then told me to shut off the satellite, but then recanted when she was infromed of the cost to disconnect early. (I am working on getting that settled to for less of a future headache.) Now I apparently have been divorced via facebook! LOL.

Anywho, I have been calm throughout the ordeal today and am feeling less scared about the possiblity of D, since she clearly needs space to get her head together and I clearly need space to recoup financially, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

Apparently, I have gotten phenomenal at playing the guitar again, as I have been getting complements from everyone.
I also planned a big trip out of town next month with friends that I haven't seen in forever, which the W is curious about. I am set to move at the end of the week and am actually starting to look forward to it. The W can be the OM problem now (atleast until the money dries up). Thank you all for the support and the resources. i almost have all the resources read that have been suggested to me on this thread and I ordered Peter o'Conner's book, which I look forward to reading soon.

As an aside, I do recognize that my W is replaying when she was 18 yrs. old as I was informed this weekend by MIL that she is acting the exact same way, dressing the exact same way, and doing the same things......interesting..., but any way onward and forward to working on me!!!

[tested metal]

Heys! Just journaling so I don't blow on W. Even though i know it doesn't matter if it really is MLC or WAS because i have to treat it the same way, I am wondering if W's parents selling the family farm, when we were together for the 1st year, might be a trigger. She really had a hard time with it and I can see it symbolizing her losing her childhood. I am sure I am reading too much into it, but humor me, because I am at that stage right now.
I am working on GALing, by not responding to texts, unless they are important or involve the daughter. The real Galing will start next week after I move out. (Please see previous posts before commenting on the moving out, trust me it is better for me at this time financialy and emotionally.)

Today when I came home I smelled OM's cologne on my daughter (AGGGGHHH!!!) This is very hard to deal with and keep my mouth shut. I don't like the idea of W exposing A to daughter although she is only 1 yrs. old, but not much I can do, unless I file and start the whole process, which is what she wants me to do. I suppose daughter is physically safe, but am worried about her having "uncles" in her life. This probably will happen even if we got a D, so it seems out of my control either way.

I guess he "whys" really don't matter all that much, but I am trying to understand what is going on with W, so i can empathize and probably make it easier for me to deal with.

I am a man of great faith and sometimes wonder if i strayed from God's path by getting married (I was in a seminary), but then I believe that my beautiful daughter must be in God's plan, therefore I was supposed to be married and if marraige is supposed to last a lifetime and i am pro-marriage, then I am still trying to follow God's plan and that hopefully things will work out in the end. If they don't, I believe God will have greater things in store for me, but this test must run it's course first. It is a test for me and my W. If she fails, she will probably be miserable for a very long time. If I fail, I could also be miserable with the what ifs. So I am now going to put my faith in God's hands to guide me with this delimma.

God grant me the strength to control what I can control,
To let go of the things that are out of my control,
and have the Wisdom to know the difference.

[tested metal]

I started moving today and my friends could not have been more helpful. Moving today is really bringing this situation into reality for me today. It is hitting me like a frieght train. Luckily, all our friends are very supportive of me as even though i have not told them about W's affair, they all know what is going on because she is flaunting it all over town. She is burning her friends fast.

The place I am moving too is pretty nice with a great backyard for daughter. By tomorrow the move will be complete and going dark will hopefully help me feel better. I know things will get better and I need to go through this, but man it is tough.

[sleeper]

Take care of you and your D. For a time, you may be all she has. I chose an apt on the ground floor with a common playground off the patio. You're a good father, scared.

[tested metal]

Well day 2 of living apart is going ok. Just learned that the W stuck me with a disconnect bill for her phone that is gonna kill me financially. After talking to her about it, which she said i told her I said I would cover it (which i most certainly did not), i informed her that she must communicate with me via phone not text because my plan does not support all the texting. She then texted me to ask if I could give her instructions on how to burn DVD's on her computer.

Boy,this going dark is going to be fun....

Tonight I will be happy fixing up my new digs and having a beer. Lots to do (installing closet fixtures and unpacking) which should complete my week.

I can't visit my friends this month due to the new financial handcuff, but I will make sure to do something special and cost effective for me during that time.

[tested metal]

Week 1 of separation is going ok. I am a little miffed that W has basically let the OM move into the apartment, thus now exposing my D to the affair. She has basically taken down all pictures of me, but left the perserved bouquet from our wedding up. Weird.

I have been trying to work on me this week, which included setting up my new digs (the old record player came out and I got to groove to some tunes while unpacking), spending some high quality time with my D, and watching some football.

The W called me last night to ask how D was and what she did all day yesterday, saying that she missed her. I should have just let the vociemail pick it up, but thought that it might be about D's care for tomorrow. I think in the future I will just start screening her calls, so i have more time to work on me and I can stop the pattern of her always expecting me to come running whenever she pleases.