Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Hi, AC!

Do feelings ever become educated?

Ha, ha, ha! No.

But you are right, the thoughts that trigger those feelings, and my response to the feelings are better targets for my efforts. It's just that it's not easy...like trying to think clearly when a 5 year old is having a temper tantrum right in your ear.

I think that you are doing very well with your changes. I wouldn't play it down just because they don't feel as dramatic anymore. Maybe that means they are sticking?

I never really thought of it that way. But maybe a change, once it has become a consistent part of a new behavioral repetoire, no longer feels like a change.

I just sometimes get afraid that I am losing "momentum." Does that make sense?

It is interesting that you perceive that your wife is nervous, but at the same time enjoying the new improved Psych. Do you think that her nervousness is solely based in a fear of your behavior?

I take her cautious re-approaching of me as her being nervous. By nervous I mean that she is liking the changes, but is afraid to rely on them, to expect that they will be there. I have a long history of working my butt off to convince her that things will be better, only to slump back into my old habits once the heat was off. I think she is afraid that if she lets her guard down she will be disappointed, or, worse yet, will be on the receiving end of one of my "meltdowns." I think she is very cautious and guarded, and probably experiences fear every time she feels herself start to trust, and open back up to me. At least, this is what it looks like to me - we will have a wonderful night, and the next morning she will be cool. The affection (touch is definitely my LL) is not there for long once the sex is over. The same pattern happens when W opens up to me (slightly) in conversation. She closes up pretty quickly after.

Is it possible that in making your changes and confronting yourself in the way that you have, is changing a dynamic in the relationship that takes you both out of the 'comfort' cycle (I think its entirely possible to be 'comfortable with a certain degree of discomfort or acrimony)?

Again, this is another way of looking at things I had not considered. Many people make themselves very comfortable with abject misery. This is why people avoid getting out of bad jobs, delay making positive life changes and <sigh> cling onto dysfunctional patterns in relationships. It happens all the time. It probably is part of what is happening with me.

You have your own personal strengths that help you to make your changes more persistent - do you feel like you're using those strengths to your advantage?

I am aware of a few personal strengths that I have - my intellect and analytical ability being chief among them. If I have any strengths in the area of interpersonal relationships, I have not become aware of them. Most of the differences in social ability I have noticed in myself are impairments. I often feel like an alien among humans. But it is possible that I have some things that could be helping me make these changes work. I will have to think about that.

I think it is interesting you want to 'soak up' the affection from your W and yet you recognize that in doing so you may use it all up. It's kind of a 'precious resource' paradigm that you seem to have formed.

Not so much "precious resource." More that I perceive W as being ready to give only so much right now. She has been hurt a lot, and each time she opens up a little, she withdraws again. And if I try to move in looking for more, I come across as needy and demanding, and that closes her up even further. Right now, she needs space. I think she has to meet a welcoming environment when she is ready to open up, but one that accepts when she does not feel comfortable trusting that much. If I treat any time she opens up to me as an opportunity to cling to her again (as I have done for a long time), I will be discouraging the very thing I want.

I'd like to propose that you try some kind of realistic self-affirming thinking every day or so for a week, and see if that maybe makes your W's affection look a little different to you. Not less valuable - but maybe it becomes easier for you to accept what she has to offer at the moment without that feeling of needing to 'soak it up.' Maybe it even becomes a little sweeter because you see it as something she chooses to give you?

Thank you, I think I'll take you up on that. Will have to record progress in this along with my regular postings.

I said it before, whether you know it or not, you have a very firm grasp on cognitive therapy.