Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[AntoniaB]

My mom is really upset over this and especially over my not wanting to be snide or snarky back to him. She blurted out "look, if you want to forgive him you can, but I don't have to. I had to watch what he did to you two times."

I said, "I realize it was tough for you, but I was the one who LIVED it, and I'm telling you that holding on to feeling anger towards him or the feeling of "it's not fair what he did to me" is keeping me VERY stuck in the past. She said "if you don't want to hold a grudge, fine, but I can hold one if I want."

Sheesh.

I replied just now. I said "apology accepted" and then the line about how things happen for a reason and I'm happy with the person I'm becoming. It makes ME feel good to say that I can see that side of this, that silver lining, out of such darkness. So I said that. Then I actually just walked away from it and said that I was sorry to hear his friend was unseated as principal and to hear who was in charge, and then acknowledged that he probably would have a very tough year. Then I said "you know, if it gets really bad, you could always ask for a transfer, or acknowledge that your time to teach on this earth has run its course, quit, and become a deckhand on a fishing boat now that you are right at the bay. It might be the most liberating thing you could ever do for your mind." I ended with have a nice day.

I'll explain the last part. For years, his one dream unrealized was to work on a boat. To do something with his hands. He used to read a lot of books about explorers or fishermen (and he does fish) and he LOVED stuff like The Deadliest Catch.

We were so enmeshed and I was so afraid I'd lose him or his security of the teacher pay, I guess, that I never encouraged this dream. I encouraged the side of him that played by the rules and stayed in a place he wasn't happy/fulfilled.

So I flipped the script again and said what was in my heart, look, you don't have to stay where you aren't happy. Do something else. You're living at the beach now; it's easier than ever.

Bottom line? The OW is not any different than I was in terms of keeping him in a box. It's a different box, but it's a still a box. AND, he's keeping himself in one too.

I'm in a very different place from him. Sure I have terrible pain and still feel at times it isn't fair. But I woudn't have this confidence or self-reliance and love for myself if he'd stuck around me in his MLC state any longer than he did.

I am better off without him when he's in this terrible state, which he may be for the rest of his life. So I'm just going to wave from my happy place.